Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Hes being an ass

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

No wonder you feel anxious and depressed and you need a holiday. I'd be going on holiday solo. I don't know if I'd even want to invest time in a relationship with someone who says such things. My marriage is a bumpy one, yet my husband has never said such things. This is a big deal, OP. The writing is so clearly on the wall.

If I were you , I’d book an airport hotel ,and go up to LHR tonight ( we recently stayed at the Premier Inn at T4 , if your flight leaves from there it’s a covered walk to check in )

Go without him , move on with your life and leave the selfish git behind

I’m pretty sure if you were with a decent person your anxiety would magically disappear.
He sounds horrible, dump him, don’t marry him.

He sounds like another teenager op. Surely he should realise its not a great idea to go out until silly o clock the day before the holiday. I wouldn't have to ask my dh not to go, it would have occurred to him on his own because he's an adult not a manchild. Ridiculous.

He doesn't seem very nice to you generally. Don't marry him.

I don't think I would ever tell my partner how long he is allowed to be out on a works night out, or any other event for that matter, he's a grown man.

Have you missed a flight before due to him being hungover ?

If you are trying to control how long he is out for, maybe that's why he is saying he's determined to stay out all day and night.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

Were these his actual word or is this what you have interpreted from what he said ?

If these were his actual words, then I would be questioning our engagement, if he doesn't care about your engagement what's the point !!!

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

What an absolutely awful prick.

OP - good men do not behave this way

I don’t think he has responded very nicely to you but equally I think you are unreasonable. He is an adult and shouldn’t have someone dictating to him what he can and can’t do

The holiday is a complete non-issue.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

That's a massive one. I can see the red flags from here. He has told you outright that he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about your feelings; and he doesn't care about your relationship - and he's proved this to you at least once recently when he lied to you. You are bottom of his priority list.

It doesn't matter if you go on holiday with him or not, as long as you don't let someone still over the limit drive you and risk innocent peoples lives. But you'll be going on a "honeymoon" type holiday with someone who doesn't respect you, doesn't love you and has shown you quite clearly what they think of you. Marrying into that will be a nightmare. He won't change.

I’m with everyone else, go without him if he’s not ready/in a fit state to drive! Two weeks in the Maldives alone? As long as it’s a private island, you’ll be fine. The staff have been lovely at the ones I’ve visited so if nothing else you can talk to them but I’ve seem plenty of people there on their own

Please don't marry this man...it will end in tears!

He will be a million times worse when you get pregnant. Make you feel like absolute shit!

I'd definitely book into an airport hotel, and he can turn up if he wants to - but go by yourself, with a good selection of books etc. Have a great time and think hard about whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who won't listen to your views. (And the socialising where students are likely to be is weird - most teachers I know go to lengths to avoid places their students might be when socialising.)

Let him do what he wants but don’t pack his stuff for him let him do it himself, feeling rough or not. And if he can’t get his arse in gear to be ready in time go on the holiday on your own and have a serious think because that’s disgusting behaviour. My partner use to be like that and that was due to drink and drugs and I can sympathise with you because it’s horrible and he should make you feel this way. Tell him to fuck off out of it’s a priority over getting ready for a much needed holiday and his stuff will be in the wardrobe waiting for him to pack whatever time he rolls in at. Hope you’re okay

I teach in a college. I have been out for drinks at the end of term with my access classes before but they are all 19+ (the eldest one was 66!). Not clubbing for hours, just a couple of drinks in a pub to say goodbye and wish them well.

Going clubbing with 16-18 year olds is bizarre and sounds sleazy, I’m surprised this isn’t frowned upon in his school.

YANBU at all either, you have a long haul trip to consider and he’s being a child.

YANBU in not wanting him to go out on the piss, but YABU to stay in a relationship with someone who cares so little for your feelings and is so irresponsible.

Go on holiday, on your own if he's still snoring off the booze, and reconsider if this is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The holiday is a red herring, you are not in a good relationship op.

He sounds immature and really not husband material at all. He should be deciding how he what time he needs to leave to ensure he is well enough to travel the next day. You shouldn't have to be doing this! He is not 15 but a grown adult man that is a teacher (scary thought)

Why would you want to marry this man-child?
You have potentially decades and decades of this, on repeat. No to mention how hellish this would be with children in the mix.

No, I am sorry op, I wouldn't just be calling off the holiday (or going with a friend/alone) I would be calling time on this relationship. It is doomed from start to finish. You will look back on it as a lucky escape.

I agree with fem whole heartedly. Wait until you are pregnant with this man and stuck with him forever, then you will really know what a terrible mistake you have made.

DONT DO IT!!

If you do end up with him in the long run you’re going to have to sort out your holidays..
I don’t know how much you enjoy his activity hols but you don’t sound really keen. If he likes to be active your ‘honeymoon’ holiday will be purgatory for him. I’ve been with my DP for 30 years and after one day on an island, no matter how beautiful, he’d be climbing the walls with boredom....and probably drunk as a skunk as that would be all he had to do.
Incompatibility is a hard thing to live with if you don’t compromise. You’d both cope better if you could agree on one 2week holiday that you’ll both enjoy. If you can’t do that then you’re going to spend 4 weeks of every year resenting each other’s choice of holiday.
Added to all the other stuff i’d advise a very serious think for both of you before you plan the wedding......

I'll tell you what you should do. Pack. Book a taxi (or however else you get to the airport) and go. He is not a child. You obviously need this holiday - if he misses the flights he can sort himself out, or stay at home getting drunk with his buddies, while you have a holiday to remember. You really need to make a stand.

You are being very controlling!

FFS... She's clearly very concerned, given past experience. Sometimes in this place it seems that nobody can disagree with anything anyone else is doing without this ridiculously overused word being bandied around willy-nilly...

Also this crap about not being allowed on the plane is total bollocks. He may well be hungover, but it's pretty bloody unlikely he'll be so shit faced by lunchtime the next day that he'll be staggering about and behaving disruptively to the extent that boarding would be denied. Where do people get this rubbish from??

YANBU to be worried, but accept he's going out and have a think about whether you really want this nonsense to continue, particularly if he openly states he doesn't give a stuff about the relationship.

I know where your anxiety is coming from. You've saddled yourself with an uncaring, selfish manchild.

Sorry, struggling to get past the last comments.
Bullet points:

• Boundary crossover with partying with the 16 year olds who presumably will be staying on.
• Making this decision without even working through it with you or addressing any worries.
• Comments about not particularly caring about your feelings or marriage.

I would not want to be going to the bother of getting ready to go away with him. I am not in your marriage and I don’t know either of you or how you argue (we can all say hurtful things) but I’d be asking him what he is getting from this relationship, and where those comments come from.

I would be feeling anxious if I had to deal with this man child.
He has made it very clear Op that he is going to do what he wants, so if I was you I would make my position equally clear and tell him that you are going to check into airport hotel tonight and you are going to the Maldives regardless.

Who booked the holiday so close to his last day in school?

I'd definitely book into an airport hotel, and he can turn up if he wants to - but go by yourself, with a good selection of books etc

^ This