Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Don't get in the car with him if he's been drinking the night before. He will be over the limit still.

We're engaged - so this is causing me to have serious doubts about tying myself to him.

It was also a celebration holiday as I just got a new job.

We tend to go to pretty honeymoon-style destinations in general. I was dying for this as we have two 2 week holidays a year and the first one he picks and is always activity based with lots to do and moving hotels a lot. This one is pure relaxation with a lot of diving and snorkelling. I was dying to just sit and relax with a book. It's absolutely not a place to go on your own and there is 0 chance of meeting people to get on with if I was alone.

I just was really looking forward to it. A part of my request does come from a place of anxiety in general, I'm not sure why, but I really thought if I explained my anxiety and he saw it came from a genuine place (not a controlling one) he'd understand. When I asked him weeks ago he said he did. This time no.

Other people always miss these nights out for family commitments/holidays. He has serious FOMO.

Do you have a reason to think that he won't be capable of getting to the airport on time if he goes out the night before?

It's pretty common for teachers to have last day of term drinks and then go on holiday the next day. They usually seem to manage it just fine, so especially as you say you're anxious anyway, I think you're probably overreacting.

You can't expect your dh to let your anxiety to control him to the extent that he can't do a perfectly normal thing in going out with his colleagues at the end of the year.

I hadn't even thought of him being over the limit. What time are you leaving the house op??

I suggest you leave him to it, pack your cases, let him pack his own, say nothing when he comes back, if he throws up leave him to sort it, get a taxi to the airport and go on your own if necessary.

Place-marking to see if the colossal bell end makes it to the airport

You sound incompatible in so many ways. Be brave, go on your own, take daytrips and mix with the locals. Do not get into the car with him. Please take my advice

It was ridiculous to book the holiday for the day after the end of term as you know his drinking habits. He will be over the limit to drive for sure the next day. More importantly is the way he speaks to you. He doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want to spend my life with.

Thing is he doesn't ever drink excessively- it's only with school colleagues and I'm pretty sure they mix drinks and he's a bit of a lightweight

We leave the house at 10am so not too early (we need the car for our return flight)

We're going to Maldives, no locals about on the island 😂

absolutely not a place to go on your own

Well to me it looks like you have 2 choices.

Risk it and accept in the back of your mind that there's a good chance you wont be going when you are booked to go and be ready to fork out for flights the day after/not go at all or you can do as a PP has said and book into a hotel at the airport, pack a good book or 3 and be ready to go alone and he can join you on time or when he's sobered up. This way you'll have more control in your mind.

He sounds like a very unkind man though, not someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with imo.

Good luck.

I think you should book and airport hotel and travel down the day before

He won't be safe to drive at 10am if he's planning a late night drinking
He sounds horrible and not like someone who's engaged to the person they want to marry, I'd be having a very serious think about this relationship going forward, his words during an argument are completely unacceptable

It's odd that he can't see a problem with this. I'd be having doubts about the relationship.

I'm sorry to say that I think this is a scenario where you'll just have to see what happens... But if he does end up ruining the holiday because of it then please kick him to the curb.

Are you sure he’s a teacher and not a student, This is very immature behaviour and he certainly won’t be fit for the long journey.

He will still be over the limit at 10am. Would he listen to reason if you mention that?

I would get insured on the car, you can do it temporarily - it doesn't sound like he is going to be safe to drive and you deserve the holiday.

I'd also seriously consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you, your feelings or your relationship, you need to raise your bar a bit, you're worth more than this!

I absolutely promise you the Maldives are just as stunning and it’s even easier to read a book in peace when you go solo.

It might not be where you go alone, but to say it’s not the sort of place to go alone is just wrong. For many people, including me, it is.

If not for the holiday I'd leave him to it but I'd be an anxious mess waiting and worrying with that the next day and his previous form. My DP has a chronic condition which caused him to feel very very sick on our last flight and honestly it was so stressful and horrible to watch and he couldn't help it!

Get a breathalyzer off Amazon at least. Out until the wee hours drinking for hours, car at 10am? Nope.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

I'd be going alone if he wasn't fit. Cocktails, book, diving. Sounds awesome.

I have been to the Maldives on a work trip btw and very much still enjoyed it alone. Cocktails and a few good books/ spa treatments and I was grand

Curious to know what he lied about and why you are feeling uncomfortable with him clubbing with his young students.
Has he got a porn issue?

@cokecola wow, where did that come from?

You sound unreasonable fo staying with him. Dont ever marry him. He is a manchild and he is untrustworthy and treats you like dirt.
Let him go the night out. And you get on the plane yourself the next day. To enjoy the trip.

Your better off being happy alone then to be miserable together.

I've been to the Maldives alone. It was gorgeous. Just read books, slept, wandered around.

I'd book an airport hotel and he can meet you there the next morning if he's on time.

He sounds like a dick.

As for this

He's also the driver as I'm not insured on the car

Whyever the hell not? You’re getting married and you’re not allowed to drive his car? Fuck that shite!