Not wanting DP to go out

[pillowtlki]

So I am fully expecting to be told IBU :( but please be kind I'm a very anxious person!

DP is a teacher and finishes school next week. He finishes at midday and I have been anxious about it. I'll try and be as clear as possible so will bullet point:

1. the morning after we go on holiday long haul to a honeymoon destination, takes 18 hours of travel.

2. when he went on a school night out before he threw up until 5pm the next day

3. he will be out with students. This always happens, his students are 16-18 and they always are in the same club because we live in a small town. This makes me uncomfortable and I think it's weird.

4. I've been struggling to trust him fully since he broke my trust a few months ago by lying to me/hiding something (not cheating)

So I've asked him to go to the pub/whatever he wants when they finish at midday but come home around dinner time. That's a good 6 hours of time.

I asked nicely explaining my anxiety and explaining how excited I am for our holiday (I've really needed it as been quite depressed and struggling lately). I thought he understood. Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

Am I being that unreasonable?

BTW he has been out clubbing, on holiday etc with friends since the incident that broke my trust and I never tried to stop him/get upset!

Either get insured on tbe car or book a taxi. If hes not up/fit/ready leave without him and give him notice to quit while you're away

I don't think this is about you being anxious, actually it sounds like you're being sensible!

As a RESPONSIBLE ADULT he should have come to the same conclusion himself.

Get insured on the car (you can get temporary insurance) and drive regardless of whether he's there and ready or not.
I've been on all-nighters before long flights, at least you can pass out - 18hrs is a long time on a plane. I don't have an issue with it except for him to be too tired / over the limit to drive.
Your anxiety, your problem.
He's an idiot though for speaking about your relationship the way he does.

How old is this prick fgs. Out drinking for 12 hours in the same place as his students, is dickish and unprofessional. Especially to a degree of still vomitting nearly 24 hours later!

To then get defensive and nasty with you for calling him for letting the side down and risking your holiday is even worse.

You deserve better than this. He doesn't sound like a good match for you at all. You deserve a lot more than this.

He wont even let you drive!!

This will only get worse if hes already treating you so awfully. He doesn't seem to give you any thought.

I would take your holiday and call it the last.

Living with someone like this is a significant cause of anxiety. Get away and get well, enjoy your holiday for you, whether he gets his arse in gear or not, do it independently of him.

You might find hed be barred from the flight if hes still heavily burdened with alcohol still (which he would be based on the previous sesh).

How far do you live from the airport? Would the taxi ride cost too much?

You are treating a grown man like a teenage son by telling him to be home at a particular time. He may just go out and drink more to spite this.

If it doesn’t cost too much, get a taxi to the airport and go by yourself. If it is a relaxing holiday then you certainly can go by yourself. Enjoy books in the sun, go swimming, watch crappy movies at night and eat far too much. Sounds perfect to me

If he doesn’t make it on the holiday reconsider marrying him

Against the grain, as the usual mumsnet response is “what a prick, leave him, etc etc” but I think YABU.

Your anxiety is not an excuse to tell him if/when/how long he can go out for. He doesn’t sound like he speaks to you very kindly, but if you’re creating a parent/rebellious teenager dynamic in your relationship by telling him what he can do, I think it’s probably inevitable that you’ll have angry outbursts in arguments.

You’re an adult - prep for your holiday however you want.
He’s an adult - he can prep for his holiday however he wants.

Live and let live.

Can you remind him that after the last time of him vomitting until 5pm, he won't be allowed on the plane & be fit to travel.

After the holiday, I would seriously rethink your relationship tbh. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Your relationship could be the reason for your anxiety.

Why the hell did you book a holiday for the day after? Why not the next day.

Spot on Derbee

I say forget the holiday with him and go alone. Forget him to while you are at it. If he can say these things to you while arguing as in this relationship he doesn't care about then there has to be some truth to it on his part. You deserve so much better.

after saying what he did... i would as a poster suggested be going the night before to stay at a hotel next to the airport and if hes not there at boarding time, i would go alone... he doesnt care about you, your feelings or the relationship... then you should be thinking more about how to make your self happy... without him

and btw when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time!!!!

He is being horrible.

Oh he wants to go out like a teenager the night before that’s up to him.

As long as you do t do his packing or let him drive you to the airport. And if he isn’t ready to go the morning after, go alone. Fuck him.

Why the hell did you book a holiday for the day after? Why not the next day

This ^^

You know his form - why not give him a free day and book to go away the following day .

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship

You're engaged to be married to someone who says this to you...?

You're meant to be in love, and in like work people you ask (and accept) to spend the rest of your life with.

You can do better than this, OP.

In the meantime, go by yourself, have a lovely relaxing time, and leave him to it.

I assume that the flight date was jointly agreed. Don't know why OP is getting flack for that.

OP, definitely travel the night before, stay in a local hotel and meet him at the airport. He will be over the limit and you will be putting yourself in danger if you get in a car with him.

Have a great holiday.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship*

This is the main point. End of story.

Organise another way to get to the airport, and go without him. He will probably just book another flight and only be a day or two behind you. If you go without him he might actually learn that you won't put up with his crap.

Agree with 'exitstrategist'.
On another note, I don't care how small the town is, you shouldn't be ending up on a 'night out' in the same place as the students. Every school I have worked in that would be a disciplinary.

Tonight he said no, he's going out for the whole day, doesn't care about me, my feelings and doesn't particularly care for our relationship (he says things like this in arguments all the time).

This is your answer

Get rid of this horrible man. He is vile

The holiday is a red herring - I hope you can work out how to get to the airport on time without being driven by someone who is over the limit - but the rest of your life is way more important than a 2 week holiday

@Lawnmowingsucks has nailed it

How on earth can he drive nest morning? He will be over the limit.

You are being very controlling! You can't ask him not to go out. He's an adult. If he wants to go and get drunk wit his students that's entirely his call. If he's hungover the next day he will be fine the day after.

Did you book it on the first day of his hols deliberately hoping he wouldn’t go out at all?

He doesn’t sound very nice OP