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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH vomited on the bed!

198 replies

Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:11

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:14
  • I don’t actually find it easier to cope when somebody is poorly, I just empathise that they can’t help it so feel sorry for them. I still panic massively but suppose hide it better.
OP posts:
RubbingHimSourly · 15/07/2019 00:16

It sounds like he needs professional help to get off the booze. If he has any respect for you, he'll take it.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 15/07/2019 00:19

it’s not normal to get so drunk you vomit*
You’ve said no to this many times now. Why is not important enough to him for him to know his limits and stop?

There is a much deeper reason for this, I feel.

blue25 · 15/07/2019 00:19

That isn't normal behaviour & I would also be incredibly upset by it. His drinking is a problem & he needs to seek help.

Sorry you're going though this. I have a similar vomit issue & would probably be hysterical right now in your shoes.

thaegumathteth · 15/07/2019 00:20

I think he needs to get help if he has a drinking problem but it’s hard to say is this just a stupid decision or a slippery slope?

Also you need help for your own sake - have you considered how you’ll cope with morning sickness / baby puke / tummy bugs etc?

PickAChew · 15/07/2019 00:20

I think your DM needs help too, ffs, if she thinks that's normal!

Stop TTC, for now. He's not ready to be a father and you don't want him to be your child's father in this state.

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:21

I mean he’s got ‘drunk drunk’ maybe 3/4 times in 2 years so says ‘it’s not a problem’ and I get that many people probably do get drunk and throw up reguarly but to me it’s not normal - in consious of inflicting my own tea total standards onto the situation.

OP posts:
SolsticeBabyMaybe · 15/07/2019 00:22

YANBU to be upset. The idea of someone choking on their vomit in their sleep really scares me, too. My partner doesn't have alcohol issues but once drank too much and threw up and I pretty much sat there all night watching him sleep out of fear!!!

I'd check on him every so often as he sounds like he's in a state and unfortunately not able to look after himself.

But after this, he absolutely has to look again at his drinking.

Lots and lots of sympathy for this awful experience you are going through, especially as someone with OCD.

I don't agree with your mum that it's normal, by the way.

Bookworm4 · 15/07/2019 00:24

Tbh I think you both need help; he gets depressed watching cricket and drinks himself into oblivion and you married him and want kids with him? You are lying on the floor avoiding vomit and waiting for bleach ‘to work’, this just all sounds awful and certainly not a life to add a child too.

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:24

I’m so glad it’s not just me 😭!!

I’m honestly so upset right now - been to check on him and he’s on his side but hiccuping viciously in his sleep- I can hear awful sloshing noises when he does so have left the bucket next to him. How do I handle this tomorrow?

I had a gut feeling tonight that I want to stop TTC but might already be too late 😣

In fairness - in EVERY other respect he is wonderful. Absoloutley the best guy!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 15/07/2019 00:25

OP
in EVERY other respect he is wonderful. Absoloutley the best guy!
He really isn’t, wake up.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 15/07/2019 00:28

If he's hiccuping and gargling I'd really wake him up...

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:28

The thing is I’ve made such huge steps forward - in terms of my OCD I’m doing REALLY well and have been consistently for a while.

If you saw our regular lives you’d NEVER think this was all going on under the surface 95% of the time we are high functioning professionals with a great relationship BUT right now I’m laid on my living room floor trying not to wet myself and hoping he doesn’t choke in his sleep 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:28

@SolsticeBabyMaybe
Should I? He was sick the last time I woke him

OP posts:
musicposy · 15/07/2019 00:29

I'm sure the bleach will have worked by now - I always assumed it was immediate but google seems to say 10 mins - you'll be fine to have a wee. Put the t shirt/ jumper you're wearing over your nose if it you're worried about smell - then you just smell yourself/ your clothes which is much more familiar and comforting.

I'd go to work tomorrow to the nice clean office and leave him to it. Personally if it was my DH I'd tell him in no uncertain terms/ leave a note saying everything must be spick and span by the time I get home, hangover or no hangover.

Once those things are done and it's all calmed down, you need to address this with your DH. It's selfish of him to get to this state; he needs to reign it in. You laid your cards on the table early on, he has to stick with that if he wants to keep you.

Oh, and don't have children with him, not just yet. Get this sorted first and be 100% certain you are not going to get frequent repeats. Dealing with this and a baby would be 100 x worse.

When you do have unwell children of your own, you'll find it much easier than dealing with your DH. There's a world of difference between a vulnerable ill little one whom you would protect with your life and an OH who by his own selfishness and stupidity is putting you through this. So try not to worry about that. Just make sure you are actually married to a responsible adult before you take that leap.

Hope you get it all sorted.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 15/07/2019 00:29

Definitely wake him up that sounds dangerous....

Tomorrow you take the day to rest and focus on feeling better yourself after this awful night.

Then he has to admit his problem is out of control again.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 15/07/2019 00:31

Yes you should wake him up. If he's going to be sick he should do so while awake, not while asleep as that's dangerous.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 15/07/2019 00:33

Very sorry you are going through this :(

AwdBovril · 15/07/2019 00:34

My DH is emetophobic, I think. He completely can't cope with anyone being sick, even just thinking about it really freaks him out & he can start to gag. However, he's managed to cope (just about) when DD has been ill a few times. To be fair, I have an iron stomach so I deal with most of it. But he's pretty good, considering. People can learn coping strategies, especially when it's their own child.

However. The main issue, in your case, is your DH's continued drinking. You were clear with him from the start. He needs to make a choice. Again, I've been there, with DH. I told him in no uncertain terms that, having watched my father regularly sit all evening, every evening with a glass in his hand for my entire childhood, I wasn't going to tolerate it from him as well. This was after a particularly heavy session... he quit completely for a year, & drinks only lightly these days.

Are you sure you are ready to TTC with him? Is he ready? It doesn't sound like you're both in the same place, mentally or emotionally speaking.

SemperIdem · 15/07/2019 00:35

I really like a drink and I can tell you know that drinking so much that you vomit, never mind drink so much that you’re at risk of choking on your own vomit is not normal.

It isn’t you “not getting it” because you’re tee total, it’s him having a large scale problem with alcohol.

AwdBovril · 15/07/2019 00:41

Please do make sure that he isn't on his back, at the very least. A friend of mine found someone dead in bed, having choked on vomit while drunk. It doesn't matter how angry or upset you are with him right now.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:42

Thank you so much for the replies

I woke him and he wasn’t sick this time. When he was awake he still hiccuped but the sloshing noise was gone.

He thinks he’s ok and part of me thinks that as he’s a Dr he’s probabky right (usually is) but I can’t sleep! I’m worried about him and can hear him hiccuping away- can’t put my ear plugs in incase he chokes or has to shout for me ...etc.

Honestly just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Petitprince · 15/07/2019 00:43

Can you go to your mum's and leave him to it? This is absolutely not normal and nothing to do with you. He sounds like a selfish idiot. Poor you OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2019 00:43

You would be crazy to have a child with this man. PLEASE don't get pregnant.

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:44

I just don’t know how to deal with this tomorrow.

Usual process is he stays in bed all day in the foetal position until I come home and talk to him- he feels awful and then ‘totally quits’ for a while until it inevitably happens again 🙄

OP posts: