DH vomited on the bed!

[Spiceupyourlife]

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

He’s a Doctor? Seriously, that’s a worry.

I mean it’s been 3/4 times in 2 years so he has MASSIVLEY improved and I really can’t stress enough how good of a man he is apart from this.

I know that’s something women say... but I’ve dater serious losers and I call it as I see it. He has the patience of a saint, a huge heart and is loyal as a dog. Does housework, emotionally supports me and is the nicest person - BUT that doesn’t make this ok- it just makes me think twice about giving up on him

@Bookworm4

He’s not working tomorrow. He never has and never would drink anywhere near working - he’s religious about that. He also won’t drive even if he’s had one. Again all of that makes it harder for me to be like ‘you have a huge problem’ - he just thinks he’s got a few days off and drank too much watching cricket

Usual process is he stays in bed all day in the foetal position until I come home and talk to him

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd make it quite clear in the morning that he's cleaning up while you're out, if he wants to keep both his wife and home.

he feels awful and then ‘totally quits’ for a while until it inevitably happens again 🙄

You need to make it clear you need to see more than talk from him this time. Tell him you're putting the TTC on hold until you see action. Counselling for the depression, alcohol/ addiction support, something. He can't just carry on as he was.

I personally wouldn’t wake him up. Can you shove pillows all around his trunk to stop him lying on his back?

I’d like to add, that the “drinking problem” is actually his way of dealing with his depression. Does he do any exercise at all? He needs help with his depression as it sounds like he has bouts of it and his drinking is a way of escaping it. Speaking from experience here (not me).

His crying and apologies are also his depression talking - there’s a massive amount of guilt that comes with it. He isn’t doing this to hurt you.

He needs to see a dr to get a psychologist to talk to. ASAP. Exercise as much as possible until he gets an appointment.

You’re being brave and patient. Good on you.

As regards the vomit, just think of it as food, that’s all it is. Maybe you could see someone about that too? May help ease your anxieties.

@Venus

Thank you 😭

It’s so hard as he’s FINE for months on end and then out of nowhere we have a night like tonight.

I just don’t know what to do. How to get up tomorrow and deal with this. I know it’s not important but for context I’m in my mid twenties - I’m new to marriage let alone this!

My ex partner was an alcoholic, we had once been out, come home & gone to bed. He lurched out of bed & threw up all down the side of my brand new bed & all over the carpet. I just went & got the bucket, scrubbing brush & detergent, gave them him & told him I didn't want to hear from him until it was all cleared up. I went downstairs & left him to it, I didn't give him an ounce of sympathy, didn't speak to him for three days. He didn't do it again. The only way to deal with anyone who gets in to that kind of mess is tough love.

@Nat6999

I get that and USUALLY I would be the same but DH is a sensitive soul (usually a fabulous trait which I adore) that mixed with his depression just makes me very wary of coming down ‘too’ hard on him

I tend to wait until he’s emotionally stable/ resilient again and THEN tell him exactly what I think. If I do it when he’s like this he’ll just crumble

OP
This is grown man and you’re talking about him like he’s a little boy; he’s not; he’s an alcoholic with MH issues. I’m mystified why you married him. You can’t save him; if he was a sensitive soul he would care about his wife and stop being a selfish twat.

Firstly I would:

1. Empty your bladder. Pee in a bucket if the toilet is too close to the situation upstairs.
2. Try to sleep.
3. Go to work tomorrow and leave him to clean up the mess.
4. Make it clear that this is unacceptable and you are not prepared to put up with it.
5. Stop ttc for now.

This is absolutely not “normal”.

Honestly? I would let him have both barrels tomorrow. You've tried doing it nicely and he doesn't take you seriously. Once he realises you can and will leave unless he sorts himself out, he has no incentive and the transgressions will become more regular. He needs therapy, AA and a serious commitment to change his life. He also needs a massive kick up the arse to get him there.

Honestly? Sensitive soul my arse. When DH got blind drunk, threw up massively & very messily (which I had to clear up - the alternative was him spreading it around the house in his drunken state, no thanks) - I waited until he was just barely sober enough to listen, i.e. still really hungover, & told him in explicit & gory detail exactly what he'd done the previous night. And what I'd had to do to sort him out. People call my DH a sensitive soul, too, but by God I gave him both barrels & he was mortified. If your DH has any decency, he will be, too.

If you want to be with someone like this that's entirely up to you but PLEASE stop TTC. Don't force a child in to living with an addict, it's cruel.

I’m sorry but some of you clearly haven’t lived through manic depression- OP, do not have a go at him. He is depressed. He need psychological support.
If he was an alcoholic he’d be doing this every day. Some depression comes and goes in bouts and this is clearly, from what you’ve said, is what is happening here.
Don’t give up on him, certainly not yet. He is ill, but he is not doing this on purpose. Depression owns you, you’re not rational. He wants to escape it by drinking. Please get him help with his depression.

DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

Utter crap. Most adult males don’t get drunk to point of vomiting over their bed. Your mother needs to stop that nonsense. Is she keen to keep the two if you together because he’s a doctor or something? I’d be telling my daughter that it’s no way for a grown man to behave and to seriously reconsider whether or not you should have a child with a man who acts like this.

He may have depression but he’s also using the ‘missing people’ and depression as an excuse to drink himself stupid. And for the love Gaia, stop talking about him as if he’s some sort of helpless, sensitive little flower. If he’s tough enough to make it through doctor training, he’s not made of fecking China!

He has a drink problem. He may only fall of the wagon three or four times a year, but he STILL has a problem. If you have a baby to him, then the stress of parenthood and the ‘fact’ that his dead friends/relatives can’t see his baby, will be the next excuse he will use to drink, then it will be because the baby cry’s too much, the house isn’t as tidy as he wants, etc. You and your future baby deserve bettter than this.

I’ve been in SHIT relationships - realised it and left. I’m honestly not one of those women who make excuses in fact my friends consider me the ‘Paris Geller’ of The group- honest and sometimes a bit brutal - definitely not too reserved to tell him off.

It’s just he’s really lovely 95% of the time. He actually is the biggest sweet heart but then he does this every 6/8 months and feels like back to square one.

I KNOW that this is wrong and it’s shit of him to do it but also don’t expect perfection from anyone. God knows I’ve had my moments and he’s been lovely. Early in our relationship I freaked out (commitment) dumped him and slept with my ex...he was unreasonably understanding and hadn’t mentioned it once in the last two years

I guess I’m just weighing up in my head whether tonight is bad enough to outweigh all the good

If he was an alcoholic he’d be doing this every day. Nonsense. Alcohol abuse isn’t as simple as that. Some people drink every day and you’d never know it, because they’re able to function, on the surface, as if they’re sober, because they’ve been drinking for so many years. Others don’t drink during the week but get steaming drunk every weekend and aren’t able to go without over the weekend. That’s alcoholism too. There are many different ways people ‘manage’ their alcoholism.

I can’t help but notice you’re side stepping the PP’s comments about this aspect but for gods sake do not bring a child into this. You might choose to keep living like this but do not bring a baby who has no choice, into the situation.

@S1naidSucks

No I honestly do just think she thinks that (my parents aren’t ebglish and my dad/relatives all drank heavily in their youth - my dad had alcohol poisoning twice 🙈)

My mum has never drank but it has been ‘normalised’ to her I suppose

Put it this way, OP, would you be happy for your future child to witness his father drinking himself into a vomit inducing stupor? What would you say to your child if she/he saw this behaviour. What impact do you think this will have on them? Do you think it’ll give them a healthy view of alcohol? What then do you do if your child drinks like this, because it’s considered ‘normal’ by granny and accepted by mum? Will you think that’s ok, because it only every six months?

@DCICarolJordan

I said earlier up that My gut tells me to stop TTC now - fully intend to

Ah the old misconception that Alcoholcs have to drink every day,not true.

I am an Alcoholic,been sober over 16years,I attend AA,lots of us have been binge drinkers,over time the binges get closer together and last longer.Still an Alcoholic,anybody who drinks when they are drunk has a serious problem.

Is he depressed because he drinks or does he drink because he is depressed.

He needs to address his drinking problem,that is for certain.

X post.

No I honestly do just think she thinks that (my parents aren’t ebglish and my dad/relatives all drank heavily in their youth - my dad had alcohol poisoning twice 🙈)

My mum has never drank but it has been ‘normalised’ to her I suppose

Well it looks like you’re following in her footsteps. Don’t try to make excuses and say this is different, because you’re going to bring a child into such a similar situation.

Fgs please stop ttc.

Imagine having a night like this while nursing a teething baby or generally being on knees with child-related exhaustion.

I mean this with kindness op , please WAKE UP.