DH vomited on the bed!

[Spiceupyourlife]

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

I just don’t think being sick is the worst thing possible.

I don't think it's the being sick that's the problem on it's own, though. Most people I know have vomited from alcohol at some point or another - it happens. You don't eat enough or it's too hot or you're under the weather to begin with - vomiting after a drinking session as a one-off isn't really indicative of anything other than you've overdone it.

But reading more into OP's posts is what makes me answer the way I have. When they met, she says he had a drinking problem and was diagnosed with depression. Alcohol itself is a depressive so the two problems are most likely interlinked. The depression makes him want to drink, but the alcohol won't be making him feel any better (it'll make him feel worse, in fact) which will lead to worse mood swings and probably more drinking.

As someone who struggled with depression for several years, TTC at this point would be a really bad idea. He needs to get himself help and get himself well again. For his sake, as well as OP's.

I just wanted to put out there about your dm 'normal' comment that from how it reads to me she said this to calm you down. Doesn't necessarily mean that she believes this actually is normal. I think she was just saying to make you feel better at that moment. If you thought it wasnt such a big deal maybe you'd be less distressed.
That's the way it read to me.

I agree, dont conceive right now. He needs help. Cynical me wonders if he thinks now you're married he can crack on with his drinking again and once you have a child it will again be harder to leave.
Some people wouldn't have a problem with this but the point is that you do. You spelt it out to him so were very clear.
If he does it again I'd get him to leave while he sorts himself out.
Very unfair when you've got stuff on at work.

I get rid, focus on yourself.

Why are so many of you advising the OP that she shouldn’t have children with her husband because he got drunk and threw up?
Because this apparently one off incident is merely the extreme end of a pattern. If he needs to drink himself to oblivion to cope with his stressful, (and life critical), job he is a danger to himself and others and becoming responsible for children is not a good idea.

Sorry but completely disagree with DM, it is not normal for grown adults to vomit from drinking too much alcohol! This is not normal. If my do did this I would be unbelievably upset and angry.

He is not an inexperienced teen who made a mistake.

Yanbu and I'm sorry you are experiencing such panic from his lack of consideration.

He needs professional help. If it were just yesterday, ok, I suspect a few people had way too much, but he's self medicating for depression which is different to normal drinking a bit too much (many of us have over done it on occasion but we are not alcoholics). It's frequency and reliance on alcohol that is the key thing and your gp can sign post services to help, I suspect getting to the root cause is key, then hopefully he can regulate alcohol or quit by himself with your support. Please don't have kids until this is addressed, they are incredibly stressful creatures, you need to get him stable first.

We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

Did those making excuses for the OP, miss the fact that she saw he had a problem before they got married, his drinking increased, he promised to stop and instead got so drunk he vomited?

Last nigh I couldn’t stop thinking about a thread I read about a year ago which was BASICALLY the exact same thing only genders reversed, OP had come home from party with DH having had too many (also previously struggled with alcohol) and vomited all over kitchen floor. Her DH called her disgusting and threatened to leave her and EVERYONE commented that he was an unsupportive abusive dick and she could do better.

Did that OP’s husband ask her to stop drinking before This? Did he voice concern about her drinking, before this incident? Did sh3 promise to stop drinking before this?

You know what, OP. No one here can help you, because you’re only going to listen to those that help you make excuses for him. You’ve already made up your mind, you just wanted confirmation from the rest of us. Good luck for the future. You’re going to need it.

Tbh I hate drunken men and tend towards being harsh but I think you are getting a lot of overreaction here.
Yes it is foul and disgusting and unacceptable. BUT he has got really drunk 3 times in two years! It's not exactly every weekend and quite honestly if he is as wonderful as you say he is in other respects then quite honestly I would think you would be mad to Ltb! Good men don't grow on trees. Yep unpopular opinion I'm guessing!

I would leave him to sleep it off so he is more approachable. Plus you can put your thoughts together.
Then I would sit down and say that it cannot go on like this and both of you need to do some work before TTC.
He needs to get help for his depression while you will work on your OCD a bit too.
Give yourself a deadline. Say we have 6 months to work on us and have no incidents and then in 6 months we will sit down again and discuss progress and TTC.

I am a drinker. It's not normal to get that drunk, however, I get that many people try to deal with their pain like that. Only times I threw up after drinking after my teenage years were when I had a bad reaction (can't drink wine filtered certain way).

Also. And this is an important bit.
Tell him he could have died. It's truth. Tell him how scared you were and how bad it all was for your OCD issue too. But emphasize that he could have died.

Just to remind posters OP said this person is a Dr. I would expect any professional to conduct themselves better than this.
How could anyone have respect for this way of life.
This might explain a few things my Dr has done recently.

There is just no excuse

Also explain that even thought these episodes are not happening often, it would be SO dangerous with a baby.

The OP has stated he doesn't drink before working - he books the day off. He won't drink and drive. He doesn't exactly sound like a risk at work to me.
He clearly needs to stop drinking like this though.

@mussolini9

Apologies that I don’t understand alcoholism as I’ve not had to experience it. I have though, lived through several years of manic depression (again, not me) and I suffered the effects. When I read OPs post, it screamed at me, at how similar it was... prof stressful job, drinking to a stupor at random, crying, apologetic etc. I have NOT offered mental health advice, I have simply reiterated the OP, in that he IS depressed and needs help ASAP.... even if he is both depressed and an alcoholic, which ever is causing the other, his mental state of mind needs addressing first... imo..

OP....I've not read all of the posts and I just feel the main crux of the issue is being danced around; that being that your new husband is in fact an alcoholic. He's largely a functional alcoholic and often in what's referred to as a 'dry drunk' for many periods of time....but don't mistake that in any shape or form as being sober, it isn't. A trigger comes along and serious relapse occurrs.

It can be very embarrassing for professional people to admit this reality; but there you have it. Alcoholism (if you attended an AA meeting) doesn't care who you are, social standing etc. Denial takes many forms, even with family members not wanting to admit to themselves that their loved one is an alcoholic. But what you'll come to realise is that denying the problem just wastes precious time and presents an additional hurdle to the struggle of overcoming the psychological addiction. The litmus test if you like, is that the alcohol is sadly in control of him; he is not in control of the alcohol and hasn't been for a long time. Crutch drinking, drinking alone, struggling with cravings ....this is all alcoholism. The only solution (and not one sufferers want to hear) is lifelong supported sobriety.
Don't waste another day. Try AA and or try an Allen Carr EasyWay seminar I'd suggest. Good luck 💐

As regards the 'promising not to drink if married' - I know from my own family that that's possible. My father was 35 when he met my mother (30). He was a really heavy drinker, several of his family were alcoholics. He asked her to marry three weeks after they met, she said she would if he stayed completely off drink for a year. If someone else told me that I'd say "Yeah, of course he'll stop drinking" Well, he did, and he never got drunk again. When we children were older he'd go for a pint in the evening, but it was only ever one pint.

If you want something badly enough you will give up drinking. The OP's husband doesn't believe his drinking will make her leave, he feels it's safe to have 'little lapses' now and again when he has an excuse. As excuses go 'watching cricket' is the most paper-thin one I've ever heard.

@Orlandointhewilderness yes, this was my point... I don’t understand why so many ppl say “leave him” - he’s ill. They are married and she promised to stand by him... if that means leaving after she’s tried then at least she tried.
Honestly, I could write a book on this. Depression is no joke and I believe firmly that having a go at him or leaving him would be a terrible mistake. He needs professional help and he can be helped.

You say in your OP that he “had” a drinking problem. Please understand that he HAS a drinking problem and he always will. His relationship with alcohol will always have to be managed. It is not a question of how much he drinks or how often (although obviously that plays a part). It is more complicated than that and has to do with his overall relationship with alcohol and the knock-on effects on his relationship with others, most importantly you.

I can see that it’s difficult to know what to do. I would suggest that you spend some time reading up on alcoholism and co-dependency, understanding the role you are playing in this relationship and the impact of your parents relationship on your approach to this. Get some therapy while you figure out next steps.

I would also say please please please don’t have kids with this man until he has dealt with his mental health and alcohol problems - quite how you will judge that is difficult to say but it would involve you having some extremely firm boundaries in place. However I’m old and ugly enough to know that with some co-dependents getting pregnant is exactly what can end up happening at this point, sadly.

They are married and she promised to stand by him

He promised not to drink. Why is only her promise important?

They don't have children yet, so it's still possible for her to leave. He's not doing anything to get help with his problem Doctors have all sorts of resources in place to support them when they have drink or drugs problems.

Read @MrsGrammaticus post several times. She really does have it right.

Just to remind posters OP said this person is a Dr. I would expect any professional to conduct themselves better than this.

Doctors have as many personal failings as anyone else. My experience with alcoholism was my marriage to my exH. We were married 10 years, he was a doctor and an alcoholic.

DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend ....so this is kind of another example of family members denying realty. It's embarrassing for MIL when asked in the supermarket how the family's doing to say "Well, SIL is struggling with alcohol dependency........" people would rather "smooth & avoid" or bury their heads in the sand than face the pain of reality. But be in no doubt, it's just a matter of time before it rears its ugly head again; a work crisis a small row...whatever. Do face into it together OP. AA publish a small leaflet called "Who me?" which can ring true with many people. Everyone imagines an alcoholic to be a person lying under the park bench with a bottle of cider next to them. Not so. Alcoholics can be charmers, making high level decisions, attending university, treating patients, sitting exams, caring for kids....anyone. But they're all living handcuffed by the disease and they know it.
AA is an eye opener. Anyone can go. You get a cup of tea, you can just sit and listen. If he listens to other peoples stories, I guarantee there will be echoes of his own situation. He will hear about people who have lost everything and recovered. Don't ignore and let those people be you. He can't help the disease, but he can determine what he does about it.

A doctor....excellent. Well here you have it. My alcoholic daughter is a medical student. Difference is she absolutely knows she is an addict and is working very hard to battle this dependency with all of us standing behind her. I don't give a shit about the shame....I just care about her getting well and living her life again.
Professionally speaking, an alcohol problem on a medical record is difficult because he will have to potentially consent to spot testing under GMC guidelines I think. In your DH's position I'd try an Allen Carr 1 day one to one seminar....it has a high success rate and would be discreet. Another option would be a full on 28 day, 12 step recovery plan at somewhere like The Priory....a long holiday if you like.
AA mentoring is excellent too for managing the ongoing support. I'm trying to assist my DD with getting this sorted right now. Pride and embarrassment play no role in fixing this OP.

@pictish
I just don’t think being sick is the worst thing possible.

Please take my word for it this isn't about being sick.
This upsets me and triggers me to talk about but I'll try to help you understand.
It's about feeling the pit of your stomach drop and the sick anxiety when he says he's going out, or he comes home with a bottle of spirits, because you have seen the signs coming for days/weeks (morose, depressed, grumpy for eg) and you don't know if this will be the night that he gets drunk to oblivion. You know it's coming - it might not be this night but you know it will happen. So you can't sleep, you lie in bed listening for the door or listening for the lurching noises as he moves around the house. You wait to hear him stumble, the retching noises, the bangs as he knocks things over.
You have to get up even if you're co-sleeping with a 3 month old and you know it will wake them, because you have to make sure he doesn't choke/vomit on a priceless rug/on your baby's hand knitted cardigan that your mum knitted. (I still have that cardigan - can't bring myself to throw it away but couldn't ever get the jack daniels vomit stain out)
It doesn't matter if this happens every month or every year. You know it's coming and you know it's going to wreck your sleep, make you cry, damage your home. You know he's going to be stinking and moody all day regardless of whether you had plans with the kids, whether he had to go to work, or you needed him to drive you somewhere. You know he will deflect and minimise OR weep and self flagellate so that you can't be too cross with him (because he's sensitive!!)
You know he'll waste money you don't have and you'll have to juggle bills that month and you'll have to take your child out all day even if it's pouring with rain and you're broke because you can't have them around him when he's hungover and sleeping on the sofa until 5pm
And the worst thing is that you know he actually needs to do this. Because his mental health isn't good and he won't seek actual treatment and what he needs to do to get back on an even keel is obliterate himself for 24 hours. You don't understand it but you know he's going to do it because for some unexplained reason it makes him feel better for a while.

That's why I advise anyone with a depressive binge drinking partner not to have kids and to run a fucking mile. It ruined years of my life and I'm not ever going to be over it. Like I said - I watched stranger things and hopper got messy drunk and I had an anxiety attack. I've had to leave social events when a man in my social group has started to get drunk like that. In fact there is one man who triggers me every time I see him because I've seen him messy drunk on one occasion. I find myself warily assessing him every time I see him.
Not to mention when my child goes to see their father I am always on alert. Will he get drunk? I'm listening to his voice on the phone highly alert to the tell tale sounds of alcohol which I know so well. It's a fucking awful, miserable existence.

He's largely a functional alcoholic and often in what's referred to as a 'dry drunk' for many periods of time....but don't mistake that in any shape or form as being sober, it isn't. A trigger comes along and serious relapse occurrs.
It can be very embarrassing for professional people to admit this reality; but there you have it. Alcoholism (if you attended an AA meeting) doesn't care who you are, social standing etc. Denial takes many forms, even with family members not wanting to admit to themselves that their loved one is an alcoholic. But what you'll come to realise is that denying the problem just wastes precious time and presents an additional hurdle to the struggle of overcoming the psychological addiction. The litmus test if you like, is that the alcohol is sadly in control of him; he is not in control of the alcohol and hasn't been for a long time. Crutch drinking, drinking alone, struggling with cravings ....this is all alcoholism. The only solution (and not one sufferers want to hear) is lifelong supported sobriety

^^ Please OP, read the above post from MrsGrammaticus a thousand times.