DH vomited on the bed!

[Spiceupyourlife]

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

You have married a functioning alcoholic, the man you met (the depressive drinker) is the man he is today and will continue to be until he gets professional help and acknowledges he has a problem, and even then you have an upward battle keeping him on the straight and narrow for the rest of your life.

Under no circumstances have children with this man, he will not cope.

Your decision as to what you do, in the cold light of day you may decide that this is no life for you, and you would not be wrong.

Her DH is a kind and good man who is struggling with MH problems. There’s no evidence that he’s abusive
This attitude is how woman stay in abusive relationships. He’s not kind at all; he’s a self centred alcoholic; his behaviour IS abusive. OP is convinced she can change him because he’s sensitive; pathetic.

How are you doing op?

Apart from the drinking and vomiting I would not want to be with someone who got depressed and drank themselves into a stupor while thinking of a lost loved one. It would suggest to me that the lost loved one meant more to him than I do as he has no respect for my wishes.

“Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine.“

I’m focusing on this because I am taken aback at this thread. Why are so many of you advising the OP that she shouldn’t have children with her husband because he got drunk and threw up?

I’m petrified of people throwing up too and I have to say being in a relationship with a total idiot made my phobia and anxiety so much worse. My ex dh did stop drinking for me though, not because it made him sick but because he used to piss himself 🤢, I was also petrified he would be sick so my anxiety was so sky high. My phobia got worse after having kids and having to cope with bugs. Since leaving him my phobia isn’t half as bad as I only have to deal with me and the dc’s (who are now older), when they are ill I have no choice but to deal with it. My anxiety in general is much better since dh left.

Do not have kids with this man unless you are 100% sure he will stop drinking completely, your anxiety will be through the roof.

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭

But this is your life. You picked a man with mental health issues and a drinking problem so bad he makes himself vomit to be your life partner.

BUT you don't have to stay with him. One bad choice doesn't have to equal a lifetime of bad choices by sticking with him and making him the father of your child(ren) in the future.

Do you really want this to be your reality for the next 10/20/30 years?

I know a bloke who would vomit after 4 or 5 pints. I’m not saying anything about his behaviour, just that 4-5 pints several times a year wouldn’t be considered an alcohol problem by most people. You are tee total and vomit phobic, so those points make a difference here, but they don’t make him an alcoholic. How much gets him leathered?

He is an alcoholic and you are in a co-dependent relationship with him. Look up acoholics and enablers. The pattern was established with your parents and you are now repeating it.

He needs to stop drinking, completely and forever. This will not be an easy journey and you need to be completely clear about what it will be like for both of you.

I would also suggest that you do therapy to understand the part you are playing in this relationship and how not to continue this pattern.

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD with this man. In fact, run a million miles. He's even got you minimising the issue. Make sure he gets help and find out about co-alcoholism yourself or this is only going to get worse

There is so much misinformation and justifications about alcohol that is no wonder it has become a health problem in most first world countries. You don't need to drink alcohol everyday to be an alcoholic, you can go weeks, months and even years without touching a drop and still be an alcoholic. If you can't control how much you drink or worry you shouldn't be drinking an extra wine, simply, you have a problem with alcohol.

OP, your husband is an alcoholic with the depressive state that comes with it. Alcohol IS a depressive, active alcoholics always have MH issues because the underlying issue (not drinking) has not been resolved. Until your husband understands that he's an alcoholic even if he only falls back from the wagon once a year, he won't ask for help. Same as you. Until you stop making excuses for your H and realise he has a serious health problem, you won't be able to confront it and will keep enabling him.

For those of you who say the OP husband is not abusive, I'm sorry to say but you know little about alcohol. Abuse and alcoholics go hand in hand together, it's the nature of the beast.

No it's not normal to drink until you vomit. However understandable given that he is mourning a close friend and suffering from depression.

It is also not normal to have a panic attack because a tiny bit of vomit splashed on the duvet and to be lying on the floor outside the bathroom not able to have a pee in case the bleach hasn't worked!

In truth you both have problems that require some sort of intervention

BTW if you are planning to have children you need to prepare yourself for episodes of vomiting. There were numerous times when dc were little that they projectile vomited all over me, the bed, the floor, every bloody where! I'd have been useless to them whilst they were ill if I'd have been having a panic attack on the bathroom floor!

If he was an alcoholic he’d be doing this every day.

That is not correct, @VenusTiger.
Some alcoholics drink every day. Some on regular occasions. Some ad hoc, controlling the urge rigidly until they cannot hack it any more (or are triggered, see OP's example about the cricket/memories of a deceased loved one).

Nobody is qualified to offer a mental health diagnosis over an internet forum. You have no idea if OP's husband is depressed: that is for his own GP/referred MH professional to assess.

OP - I hope you can persuade your husband to access professional help for his drinking problem, & that he can uncover the motivations that are causing him to binge so destructively like this.

"So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start "

No, but it's his life & you knew that from the start.

Why you would think that he's father material just beggars belief.

I think people are being a bit OTT calling him an alcoholic. OP says he’s only drank 3 times in 2 years? A alcoholic tends to drink every day so hardly the same is it? He may just have issues handling alcohol and knowing when to stop. Hopefully he’s feeling very sorry for himself and embarrassed that he got so drunk he almost chocked to death on his own vomit. Yes he needs to change and stop being a twat but I don’t think he needs to sign up to AA.

The difference is that the poster accepts, acknowledges and has been getting help for her OCD issues, while her husband has not.

While her husband was catatonically drunk, she was controlling her anxiety and dealing with the vomit. Please don't say both of them need help because the only one needing urgent help is her husband.

" He may just have issues handling alcohol and knowing when to stop."

Is that not an alcoholic then?

I don't think he necessarily has a drinking problem. I do think he has a problem with managing his depression and needs help for that. It's the depression that is triggering the drinking, which then will make him feel more depressed. And he needs to see his own GP for that. Maybe some private grief counselling and maybe some ADs to help him in the short term.

To help with the sick smell you need to tell him to wait until everything is dry, the chuck a fuckton of bicarbonate of soda on everything. It will neutralise the vomit smell. Until every is dry tip some in a bowl and leave it dotted around the house.

Also he will he tearfull and full of remorse today. Any big conversation will end in tears. Do it in a few days. Mumsnet is full of those types that think a small sherry at Christmas is borderline alcoholic. In the real world, or at least the one I know, people do drink. They do occasionally use alcohol when they are down or depressed. Or to celebrate. Occasionally they drink too much, throw up and make a twat of themselves. It doesn't matter if they are a doctor or a binman, it happens. Only you and your dh know if he genuinely has a problem with alcohol, or if he is depressed and turning to drink.

I would address the depression (or at least the depressed behaviour, we aren't doctors and no one online can diagnose depression or someone being an alcoholic) first. Then see where you are.

@pictish because most of us think a child deserves much much more than living in a house with one parent ‘laid on my living room floor trying not to wet myself and hoping he doesn’t choke in his sleep’ and the other parent drunk to the point of choking on their vomit upstairs.

I work with alcoholics.
It's always someone else's or something else's fault why they've fallen off the wagon. It's much easier to blame other people/things than accept its your fault.

Please believe me when I say it will only get worse. It is not dickhead with his mates social drinking (not great with kids on the horizon, but more predictable), it’s depression drinking. Over time, imperceptibly, it will creep on and get worse. And worse and worse.

Unless he acknowledges he has a proper problem that he needs professional help for, I’d advise you to get out now.

Honestly. I’m not being all dramatically LTB. I’ve seen one of my closest friends come out the other side of this nearly 20 years and 2 kids later. He is a doctor, a very clever man and kept up a very fine outward image. Behind closed doors it was a destructive, damaging mess. The last 10 years have been heartbreaking for her. Please do not put you and your future children through that.

A alcoholic tends to drink every day so hardly the same is it?

NO, an alcoholic doesn't drink every day, tt can be months or years between a drink. It's not how often you drink that makes you an alcoholic, it's not being able to say "I've had enough thanks" after 2-3 drinks.

Just woke up freezing on the floor he’s obviously been up as the living room door was open. (Hence me freezing 😡)

He’s cleaned up everything I didn’t last night and opened all of the windows - he’s now asleep again.

Reading these comments has really helped - to clarify though last night is the first time he’s EVER drank so much he vomited (whilst we’ve been together) but I think before me it may have been more common.

He’s not abusive, not anywhere near. If anything I’d just describe him as a big pathetic when he has these episodes.
Last nigh I couldn’t stop thinking about a thread I read about a year ago which was BASICALLY the exact same thing only genders reversed, OP had come home from party with DH having had too many (also previously struggled with alcohol) and vomited all over kitchen floor. Her DH called her disgusting and threatened to leave her and EVERYONE commented that he was an unsupportive abusive dick and she could do better.

Hence why I was very hesitant about appropriate response from me this morning.
Feel like I’m treading on eggshells now. He’s asleep again upstairs and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve only had 2 hours sleep and can’t face the office as think I’ll break down in tears and tell them everything - gonna WFH

I'm teetotal, like you, so it's maybe a bit unfair for us to judge, OP. But I'm going to anyway. It definitely isn't normal or good for people to drink so much that they are incapable of looking after themselves, and are vomiting. My husband likes a drink, but in 15 years I've never known him to be in that state, though he probably did it in the past when he was young. Saying that other people do it so it's ok is a very childish thing to say. In my view, the binge drinking culture that has developed in the last few years is worrying, and the FB jokes ("Is it wine o'clock yet?" etc.) are not funny, normalising something that is definitely going to have an impact on peoples health in later life. I'd agree with Aquamarine1029, please don't get pregnant with this man.

Do I go up there wake him and basically tell him he’s an arse?

Or wait it out and just start working and leave him to surface/ mention it