DH vomited on the bed!

[Spiceupyourlife]

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

I think you're over reacting. By the sounds of it, he's been sick this one time through drinking in 2 years. We've all been there. It's not like he's doing this every week.

Honestly @Spiceupyourlife how will you cope with a baby/child? Babies are sick all the time. Kids and sick a lot. They won't always warn you and vomit will get everywhere. How will you cope with that?

@CodenameVillanelle
So you can't sleep, you lie in bed listening for the door or listening for the lurching noises as he moves around the house

I'd forgotten until I read your post how my friend described lying in bed, awake, and if the key didn't go into the lock the first time she'd jump out of bed and scamper to another room and lock the door. He wasn't physically abusive, but would wander around the house ranting under his breath "fucking controlling bitch, emasculating bitch, won't let me have a drink, bitch...bitch....bitch".

@CodenameVillanelle 💐 I'm so sorry.
This incident that @Spiceupyourlife describes is a proper black out. It was lucky it happened in the safety and confinement of the home and he didn't choke on his own vomit with an ambulance carting him off to A&E....the whole doctor status would have been revealed then I can tell you.....but she's only a breath away from that scenario being reality. In her shoes this is what I'd do today

• Look up and go to an AA meeting, probably a bit further afield to avoid possible recognition. Talk to him. If he refuses to go, book Al Anon for her self.
• Tip away all booze in the house, including rice wine, handgels or anything at all alcoholic. Make the house dry.
• never visit a pub for the foreseeable future with him
• offer to take control of the money for a while to curb any spending on booze

Hard drinking over a long period can permanently change the brain chemistry in the unfortunate predisposed - he will know that as a dr. The only way out is to quit for good.

He has a problem. It's not how often he drinks it's what happens when he does. This sounds far from normal and I wouldn't be thinking about kids until this is sorted. You may need to leave him. He won't stop drinking for you... he wiii need to do it for himself. It may take him a lifetime to realise that. Hard as it is look after yourself. Don't have kids with a functioning alcoholic.

@dancingelephants.....that indeed WOULD be so nice, but it ain't the truth. For ages, I had proud grandparents saying "well I'd be very surprised if she's an actual addict...." etc etc because it doesn't fit their rose tinted view. My DD is gorgeous. She's a fresh faced lovely with a heart of gold. It makes me weep to think this bastard disease grabbed her at a low point....but life's a bitch. People suffer far worse in life than not being able to drink one type of beverage .....kidney dialysis, MS etc. So you have to get over it. Be strong. See everything that's to gain and crack onwards.
This man has a new marriage, the prospect of fatherhood, a career. He has to look long and hard at the balance of things on the scales and turn away from the alcohol.

As harsh as @dancingelephants sounds, it is a good point re vomit and babies/children. Some babies have severe reflux and projectile vomit constantly and of course all children catch a stomach bug at some point. How would you cope with this?

I wouldn’t really be concerned by DH getting drunk and vomiting once in a while. If it were every weekend then that would definitely be a problem. Sounds like this is the first time in over two years so you’re overreacting a little.

I would hold off on TTC though, your marriage doesn’t sound like it’s in a good place right now.

I really do appreciate everybody’s feedback and have taken it on board. Continuing TTC would be silly given this has happened 🤔 but I don’t think we were silly to TTC over the past few months. He’s had no episodes in about 10 months, had totally quit and both of us were in a very good place emotionally, physically and financially. FAR better than a lot I know who have had children 🙄

I’ve been up to him. He’s VERY sorry- I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that if this happens again (even once) that I WILL divorce him, take half of his (ours now) house and his pension...and I shan’t feel bad about it one bit.

I’ve said I will be here and support him IF he gets help and kicks this 8/10 month cycle but otherwise I’m not wasting my time.

Also told him TTC is off the table for at least the next 6 months and I will now start saving my own wage into my own account (usually save it into joint) so that I have enough financial security to be able to up and leave him if he does this again.

Also made him strip the bed and call my DM to apologise for his state and her having to listen to him vomiting like that!

He’s taken it like a puppy being kicked into a muddy puddle.

I’ve had extensive help for my OCD and I stand by what I said last night, I’ve taken huge steps forward and am at a very comfortable place with it. I don’t think I need further help right now. I was just triggered by the awful circumstances. I did manage to bring myself around with some breathing exercises though and TRUST me a couple of years ago I couldn’t have been in the same house as someone vomiting. Last night I held him up with his head in a bucket!

• He has never bought booze without asking me. He actually asks me every time - a bit like when my DN asks for sweets in the supermarket. He sees this as a good way to control himself.

I let him get 8 beers at the weekend as he rationalised he wouldn’t drink them all on the same day- but he did...and then drank the wine we had in for guests 🙄

I let him get 8 beers at the weekend as he rationalised he wouldn’t drink them all on the same day- but he did...and then drank the wine we had in for guests 🙄
Well crikey, that actually confirms the problem; that being that the 'stop' button is defective. Let me tell you, it doesn't self repair ....ever. He just has to quit drink. Get rid of any drink in the house and go any buy the most amazing selection of adult soft drinks you can lay your hands on......Seedlip is nice but £££, Peroni zero, Natureo...we've got the lot and they're pretty good for part of drink ritual.
Also get him into the gym - early AM and evening is a great stress buster and staves off depression. B12 vitamin also important. Playing cards are an excellent diversion too we've found.
DD finds Combo of an alc free beer and ice cream v good for knocking cravings. You've got to be open about it to help though.

Brave words @Spiceupyourlife.

So much of this hinges of what YOU are going to do if he does not comply.

Right now, his actions matter more than being contrite or statements that he is sorry. You have both raised the stakes in this game, he by breaking his commitment to you to not use alcohol & you by threatening the end of your marriage if he breaks this new ‘contract’. He can all too easily slip & you then have to follow through by ending the marriage. Can you see how you are now hostages to everyday misfortunes?

What matters now is that he gets help. You need the assurance - not reassurance/guilty promises/empty threats - that he is getting help from an agency that supports medics with alcohol & MH problems.

You have done so well addressing your own MH needs.

Thanks 😊

I know that the I’ve made a mistake in the way I’ve dealt with him so far. He had an episode, he stopped completely, months went by and he said ‘maybe I’ll just have one, do you think that’s ok’ and I very much did the ‘yes as long as you are in control’.

I’ve not recognised it as the serious problem it is. I’ve said ‘don’t get drunk’- ‘don’t go too far’ and ‘dont Make yourself poorly’ but i’ve also massivley enabled him in his moments of weakness.

‘It’s fine to have a couple - you enjoy it’ and ‘You’re in control of it now’ - both things I said during the wedding/ honeymoon period.

Now it needs to be a NO- nothing at all!

I agree with @Universal.

Denial = Do Not Even kNow I Am Lying. And that really becomes the toxic problem OP. Alcoholic addiction by it's very nature makes lovely people tell lies. Because all they want is an unimpeded route back to the old crutch, just in case they need it.
Maybe you've frightened him with your ultimatums, maybe the dust will settle and he'll slip up again....Personally I just think a committed program of dryness and recovery is the only way, not threats. However, if indeed as many posters suggest, it's no big deal, he'll have no anxiety about attending a recovery program and he'll swan in and out very quickly saying "no issue here folks"

I know many of you think I should LTB I’m sure (and I don’t rule that out - if he does it again I will do) but at the same time it’s a balance surely?

I don’t feel like I’ve tried enough to help him, or given him enough of a chance to help himself right now. I think this has been a shock to both of us as niavley we thought he’d conquered it this time!

I 100% believe that physical and emotional abuse warrant the ending of a marriage- but right now I just wouldn’t feel justified in leaving him.

Not for one episode in 8/10 months and his acknowledgment that he needs/ will get help and give it up 100% from now on!

Do google "Dry Drunk Syndrome" because that's where he's at OP....not lasting sobriety.....big big difference. Don't kid yourself please.

Incidentally, DD has largely found the medic community v supportive of her MH issues. A much more supportive view is taken of practitioners that take action and commit. A dimmer view is taken of those that don't because it throws into question their own judgement on self management of healthcare.

My dh hasn't got that drunk in over 20 years. 3 or 4 times in two years is plenty!

"I don't believe I've done enough to help him" Do you realize how ignorant this statement sounds? YOU can't help an alcoholic HE HAS to want to help himself to change. Look up codependency and addictions. Go to an Al-Anon meeting.

Of course it is your choice to remain married to an alcoholic. For all of the controls you are using to manage the situation and convince yourself all will be well, what is he doing?

He does not have a normal relationship with alcohol. All of the vomit stuff is just window dressing around the fundamental problem.

You will have a miserable life but you've had the choice. Children of alcoholics don't get that choice and will suffer as a result of yours. Really suffer.

How you can want to bring children into this sorry mess is baffling. I feel sorry for them. Their dad will be a drunk and their mother an enabler. The cycle of damage will continue.

EKGEMS, perfectly said.

Be careful making yourself his gatekeeper. There is a danger that he will end up massively resenting you for saying no all the time.

He has to work out his own structure for dealing with it - not to say you won’t be there to support and help him, but you can’t police it for him.

"I don’t feel like I’ve tried enough to help him, or given him enough of a chance to help himself right now".

What you have tried to date has not worked and what more realistically can you do?.

Am sure your own mother felt the same about her husband, a man who is your father. Do not normalise this as she has gone onto do and cement the above thinking.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Unless your H wants to properly address the reasons behind his alcoholism, there is nothing that anyone can do to help him. I would think that your emetophobia has its roots in your childhood and that part of it needs to be further addressed by you. You're being triggered still by him being sick around you.

You can only help your own self, not him. Attend Al-anon meetings and do not bring a child into this.

OP, both you and your DH have behavioural and emotional problems that need addressing. It's okay to focus on your DH's problem but I think you also need to consider yours.

In my view, the reason you should reconsider TTC is not because of your DH's periodic drunkenness but rather because of your OCD. You could seriously damage a child mentally if they are subject to your OCD. I know this from experience.

Alcohol is a cruel mistress OP; it held your dad and his relations in a tight hold and never let them go. You saw your mother's enabling along with your dad poisoned twice due to alcohol; that is what you grew up seeing.

Its of no real surprise that all your relationships to date have been problematic and or otherwise shit and now you are married to a drunkard. Your H is a dry drunk and is self medicating depression through alcohol which is also a depressant.

You’ve said nothing to him about getting help which is the most crucial part of this or how you can support him in getting that help. Threatening to leave him, taking half the house and his pension with you isn’t particularly helpful, is it?

Actually, I disagree that the op is unable to help an alcoholic.

My sister is an alcoholic. And we all help her in subtle ways. Her husband knows that if he has friends round that they either take alcohol home with them or it goes down the sink. We meet up in cafes rather than restaurants or pubs and when her husband booked a lovely, all inclusive holiday he had it pointed out that was like sitting garfield in front of a lasagne and to cancel it quick smart. For an equally nice holiday........minus the drinks package 🙄

It already sounds like he's handling his drinking problem really well. Although it may not seem that way. Yes, he binged........but in between that binge he's probably had hundreds of stressful days where he hasn't. So he's more than capable. I'd chalk a line under it, but a plan to move forward needs to be put in place. Because it isn't good for anyone to drink themselves into that state.

My sister is allowed small amounts of alcohol now, but we take steps such as no wines or spirits, in general we don't drink around her but if we do it's small bottles of low, alcohol beer or pre mixed cans. But only one or two each........it works for her. Obviously your husband is a.different person but with a good plan in place you can support him.