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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH vomited on the bed!

198 replies

Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 00:11

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

OP posts:
MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 11:48

Alcohol is a cruel mistress so true and really you have to experience first hand the grip is can take on a very able, seemingly functional person. Combined with depression it's a rotten combination. Some people think that once the depressions in hand with meds or therapy then the magic 'stop' button will work. But it's not like this. The two are all meshed up together. Depression is a slow healer. The drinker can stop drinking.
A lot of people seem to think that if a person doesn't have a physical addiction to alcohol then it's surely not that bad right? Bullshit. The addiction is 99% psychological but that's not to underestimate its immense power.

WomanLikeMeLM · 15/07/2019 11:57

I left my Ex because of this, it never gets better, he will continue to drink and vomit and your anxiety will go through the roof.

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 11:58

Agree with @RubbingHimSourly....a family can pull an alcoholic out of the situation once they truely commit to helping themselves and quitting for good.

StarlightIntheNight · 15/07/2019 12:07

I would be FURIOUS! He needs to stop drinking completely as he obviously has a problem. I am also emetaphobic and would not be able to deal w a grown man who had to drink like this...awful. Also, think of any kids you had w him? Its not a nice way to grow up. I have 2 dc and its not easy when they are sick. I still freak out about it, but I manage to deal or my dh takes care of them.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 15/07/2019 12:41

OP the big difference between you and your DH is that you have sought help for your MH issue and you now have strategies in place that help - you say yourself that without this, you would not have even been able to stay in the same house as your DH last night. You actively work at overcoming the adverse impact of your condition.

Now your DH has to do the same with his. Whether that's going to AA or tackling his underlying depression to find different coping strategies or both, he needs to step up and put his fine words into action. If I were you, I'd tell him that. I'd tell him today or tomorrow that him taking action and committing to helping himself, the way you have, is the condition for you staying with him as you can't be the sole gatekeeper between sobriety and binging - it's not fair on you when this is his issue to fix (with your support of course, but he has to take the lead on it) and you don't want to run the risk of him resenting you for being the one stopping his 'fun'.

Good luck OP, my father is a functioning alcoholic so I have some experience of some of this.

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 13:01

If you have kids, there's going to be so many potential tipping points ahead of you that could trigger alcoholic relapse for your DH. I think back to when my two were tiny: we had croup cough and worst of all weeks and weeks of nightly acid reflux and vomiting ....I actually had to have a drink or two to steady my nerves with the latter, but then I don't have or never have had a drink problem.
The worst part of all would be your growing DC's seeing their dad using alcohol as a permitted addictive crutch....and this is why this problem frequently persists intergenerationally within families - there's a genetic predisposition plus an emulation of habit. Try and push him now towards a proper treatment plan and sobriety OP.

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 13:06

Please read the current AIBU thread "To think my life is unsalvageable?" And and your DH to read it too. It is heart rending. I'm sure if that young mum could turn back the clock then she'd do it.

Redland12 · 15/07/2019 14:39

MrsG, could you please send the link To think my life is unsalvageable. Thank you.

Original poster
Spiceupyourlife · 15/07/2019 17:28

DH says he is 100% done and will not ‘go back on to it when he’s back in control’ as he now understands he will never have control. So he is never going to drink again.

  • it’s the first time he’s said this in the past he has always stopped ‘until he can control it’ and then after a few months of being fine tries again. But this time he seems to have really realised.

He has been online today and found a VERY good councillor with extensive experience in this field. They have an apt booked for later this week. He’s usually very reserved and would avoid this kind of interaction at all costs so he really must want to change.

We’ve emptied everything in the house (including the antique decanters 🙄) the house is dry.
He is desperate to change now- seems very scared his life will continue like this otherwise.

I can sort of see the switch flick in his head. He’s gotten very practical about it. Like he’s looking at himself now like a patient.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us 🤞🏻

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 15/07/2019 17:33

That sounds a cautiously promising start OP. There's a long way to go and a lot of mindset changing required that will be severely tested at times, but at least he's willing to accept he needs help.

Moomin12345 · 15/07/2019 17:36

You've married an alcoholic. Please don't bring children into this mess.

SummerSix · 15/07/2019 18:13

Hes an alcoholic and you married him knowing what he is.

Jillyhilly · 15/07/2019 18:42

I was pleased to read your update, OP. That sounds positive.

Don’t forget that it is important to get yourself some help as well. This isn’t just his problem and part of recovery is that you identify and get to grips with your own enabling and co-dependent behaviours. Hold off having kids until you both have a REALLY substantial amount of time in recovery.

I wish you a happy future.

supersop60 · 15/07/2019 18:45

Great update!

foreverhanging · 15/07/2019 19:01

@CodenameVillanelle ThanksThanksso many of these for you

CodenameVillanelle · 15/07/2019 19:08

Thanks.
I just hope that helped some people to understand why posters react the way they do to threads like this.

Whatisthisfuckery · 15/07/2019 19:26

OP my XH is an alcoholic. He’d drink to the point of puking in his sleep regularly, almost weekly at times. It was bloody awful, I don’t know how I dealt with it. It really isn’t normal for everyone else to do that. I’ve made myself sick with the beer a few times but always while conscious.

Problem is that it doesn’t stop, not unless they fully acknowledge that they’ve got a problem and they want to deal with it, and even then it might not necessary stop.

Don’t fgs have a baby with him. I did, and now my DS has a useless alcoholic father who can’t be trusted to look after him. The damage that man has done to my son is immeasurable, and that was only on EOW visitation. Just don’t do it. You don’t even sound that bothered about kids atm anyway.

It’s a miserable life with an alcoholic OP. Really, and I know it hurts, he needs to stop or you need to go.

lululu16 · 15/07/2019 20:05

i feel for you big time- i also have OCD and a phobia of others being sick! if he loves you surely he knows how this would make you feel and this wouldn't be happening. can you live a life like this? he needs to understand and it will take time for you to heal from this

MrsGrammaticus · 15/07/2019 21:23

@Spiceupyourlife......that's really encouraging and I wish you both success. Counsellors are good, but Don't preclude the AA for ongoing sponsors which can give your DH lasting support. Be in no doubt that he will need it. People can talk to their sponsors about things they'd never dream of sharing with a loved one. Recovered alcoholics often then go on to become sponsors themselves and it's highly rewarding.
Also get him exercising. This is so important. Regular eating also staves off alcohol craves. Wishing you every hope and luck!

Redland12 · 15/07/2019 21:45

MrsG, thank you.🌺

81Byerley · 16/07/2019 11:35

pictish The reason we are advising her not to TTC is that this is a problem, and an extra stress on both of them at a time when it seems as though he doesn't cope too well with stress, and neither does she. At the moment she has enough to cope with, without bringing pregnancy/babies/possible pnd into the mix. And he needs to definitely sort out his drinking problem before he thinks about having children.

81Byerley · 16/07/2019 11:40

Also. My Grandson's father is an alcoholic. He is only now, when the child is 9 years old, allowed to take him out, and then only after my daughter makes him do a home breathalyser test. Imagine not allowing your child's father ever to take him out, or ever being able to trust him to look after the child?

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