DH vomited on the bed!

[Spiceupyourlife]

I can’t cope with vomit! I never have been able to and I have OCD and (heavily triggered by vomit) but have been MUCH better in recent years.

DH has a drinking problem/ depression when we met (always high functioning- blamed it on his super stressful job...etc)
We sat down early on and I laid out my cards (I don’t drink, I can’t cope with him drinking so much he vomits) fine.

Over 2 years and only one drinking relapse (no vomit) totally fine. We recently got married and honeymoon...he started having more to drink...ok no issue

But he didn’t stop; sat him down the other day and said the wedding/ honeymoon is over now time to reign it back in- he agreed

We are TTC, lead by him as he’s older (I want them don’t get me wrong but could easily wait another year or two.

Could feel it building and today cricket was on 🙄 he loves it but it triggers his depression (reminds him of lost loved one) he drank loads, alone at home - I warned him he was taking it too far but NO!

Fell asleep in his clothes on the bed- went in to check him as heard a funny noise and he was gagging on his own vomit.
Got him a bucket- he threw his guts up- then again 10 mins later (some went on the bed whilst I retrieved the bucket)

I can’t get him up to change it- he’s no clue where he is so I’m sleeping on the living room floor terrified he’ll choke in his sleep- put him on his side but he keeps moving.

I freaked out- cried and had a panic attack on the kitchen floor (after cleaning up in rubber gloves ofc) whole top floor of the house stinks.

He’s tearful and apologetic but still totally out of it. My DM was calling by to drop something off and luckily calmed me down (otherwise I’d be sleeping in garden)

We both had a stomach but last year and I managed (just 🙄) I find it easier to cope with when somebody is ill but he had no control Over himself I had to hold him up to be sick 🤢

I’m just laid here unable to sleep needing to wee and not wanting to go to the bathroom because the bleach hasn’t had time to work yet.

I have a huge week at work and really didn’t need this. DM said ‘it’s normal lots of couples who drink do this every weekend’

So kinda wonder if IABU but at the same time this isn’t my life and I made that VERY clear from the start 😭 I don’t know if I can face work tomorrow It’s horribly triggered my MH but actually might be better to hide at the nice clean office!

I also worry how ill cope with kids when I can’t cope with this!

Please be gentle but honest opinions please

I’m sorry this has happened OP. A horrible situation.

I just want to counter the LTB type comments by saying that my DH had a very similar pattern to yours - every 3/4 months he would binge, vomit, pass out, behave in a reckless and uncharacteristic way. It was very stressful and upsetting. He would give up occasionally but start again and the pattern continued. Eventually he decided, on his own, that he was going to quit for good and hasn’t touched a drop for nearly 10 years. I’m not sure what triggered his decision to quit for good, I was very upset, the incident had happened quite publicly and his parents were also aware. His father had quit alcohol 5 years before and his best friend a year or so before, maybe those examples helped him.

Our current life with a large mortgage, commitments and three children would have been impossible if he had continued the pattern. He gave up while we were engaged and although I would have certainly have married him and probably had DC1, I think the wheels would have fallen off pretty quickly had he still been drinking. If your DH wants to address this it is possible to quit and live a happy, stable life. My DH didn’t need professional help to quit, although he had had depression in the past I think quitting alcohol actually helped with that.

I don’t know your husband and I’m no expert on this, I just wanted to share my personal experience.

@pictish because some of us have experience trying to parent with a depressive binge drinker?
It's the most soul destroying thing in the world and if I could save just one woman from it i would spend my life on mumsnet sharing my opinions.

My ex 'only' got this bad every few months too. But now, 7 years after we split, I'm still traumatised to the point where watching hopper get drunk on stranger things sent me into an anxiety attack.

This is no fucking life at all.

He's already abusing you if he is pathetic after an episode. If I did anything like this to my DH, I would be taking action to make sure I never did it again. I would not be simmering around with a 'woe is me' act whilst my DH tiptoed around me and the issue because I'm a sensitive soul.

Give yourself a shake op. And just get on with your work. Don't be going to him trying to discuss. This is his issue. Let him address it. If he doesn't, then make your own plan and stick to it.

You told him two years ago that this isn't your life and you won't have it. Well lo and behold, it is your life, you do have it and you're putting up with it while he does the sum total of diddly squat to deal with it and put an end to it for both your sakes.

Again...interested to know why everyone is telling OP not to have children with this man?
What is the matter with all of you? Sitting there sprinkling shit on other people’s ordinary lives like you never made a wrong move in the entirety of your own. Like you have never drunk too much and been sick (I have btw...perhaps I should leave my children)...or been a poor partner in some other way. Of course you have...of course you have.

Read the OP’s update folks. Jeez this place sometimes. It depends who you get doesn’t it? First few answers set the tone and off we go!

It would be very reckless to have a child at the moment. Sorry I can't give any useful advice, I wouldn't be able to deal with someone who got that drunk. Apart from anything else, I'd worry (like you did) that he'd choke while unconscious and I'd be left with a child to raise on my own. You're entitled to think about yourself, and what you want from your life. That's quite difficult for women to do when they love someone, we're brought up to believe we should be supportive and soldier on. Your husband doesn't seem to have an Off switch once he starts drinking, you'll spend the rest of your life on eggshells every time you're at a wedding or he's watching cricket, or when something is stressful for him.

This should be in Relationships rather than AIBU.

“to clarify though last night is the first time he’s EVER drank so much he vomited (whilst we’ve been together)“

Personally, I would wait for him to surface and then talk to him about how you feel about this. I would tell him how the vomit is incredibly stressful for you and his pattern of drinking is going to be completely incompatible with a family. I would talk about the problems you see in the future, rather than the immediate issues about cleaning things up. Because one way or another, vomit will get cleaned up, the real issue is how this pattern will impact on your future life.

He MUST get some help. Please do not ttc while he is drinking - it will be affecting his sperm quality.

I am going to go against the grain here and day whilst it's not ok I think taking to him is the way to go (plus support from Al-Anon etc). I was the same as your DH, I wouldn't even get that drink but it would make me v ill and completely incapacitated, so much so that after a reception mum's night out I ended up in hospital for three days with concussion when I fainted vomiting the next morning).

It scared me enough to make me realise I just can't drink like other people, it doesn't work on me the same way.

Whatever you want to do is fine, of course, but I am so thankful for the support of my husband. I stopped drinking without any outside help, if he's only getting that drunk at the frequency you say he may be able to.

The one thing that is a must is dealing with his depression, which is what he's attempting to do with the drinking. As PP mentioned it is very common in the medical profession and there is excellent support available.

Best of luck OP, I am the same as you re vomit, you must be absolutely shattered.

He needs to get professional help for his drinking and his mental health. If he doesn't you shouldn't stay with him. You need to make this crystal clear. If he wants to stay with you, those are the conditions.

You need to get help with your OCD.

You should stop TTC until this is all resolved.

Why would you even for a fraction of a second be TTC with him??? The mind boggles!!

Not only does he have this issue (minimised by you saying it’s only a few times a year), this could well escalate into a more establish problem. All the building blocks are there!!

Hi OP

Firstly its completely normal to be freaked out by this

Lots of people drink til they're sick. I've been known to. But I go to the toilet and am sick (and yes I know that's extreme to others and I'm aware its unhealthy etc. I'm talking maybe once a year).

Drinking so much that you cant control yourself and are being sick in your sleep is extremely dangerous. He could have died. People do die from this. And apart from how gross it is, putting someone you love in the position of having to stay awake a night to make sure you don't choke on your own sick, is absolutely selfish and horrible. Anyone would have been panicking and angry and worried. It sounds like you dealt with it really well.

So he made a promise and he's gone ack on it now he's married. I would hold off ttc until he works through his issues - there is nothing to stop him promising again and going back on it as soon as you're pregnant

What's he going to do next time he is triggered? Babies can put the most enormous strain on people, what's he going to do if his depression gets worse coping with a newborn? It sounds like he may need some help so I'd encourage this first.

Lastly I am like you about vomit. So far I've coped ok with sick...ish. there isn't much warning, and actually I find the build up (eg someone in a car saying they feel sick) much worse sometimes. When they're little it's all just milk that comes straight back up and it's so frequent you kind of become desensitized to it. And the volume is much less than a drunk adult. Also I will just about stay next to my daughters when they are sick whereas an adult I'd run away, as I know they are scared and upset and despite being grossed out, there is an overriding part of me that wants to check they are ok. I still worry every day about when the next bug is going to be, especially when my husband is away and i know that I'll have to deal with it myself, but somehow I've managed

Again...interested to know why everyone is telling OP not to have children with this man?

Because he's an alcoholic with mental health issues, both of which are currently untreated problems.

Why on earth would it be a GOOD idea to have children with him?

People aren't saying that to be nasty or shitty or to "sprinkle shit" as you so eloquently put it. They're saying it for good reason. That's not to say he can't get help and be a fantastic parent in the future, but at the moment? He needs to deal with his depression (which will be linked massively to the drinking as alcohol is a depressive) before they even think about starting a family.

People are just looking out for the OP.

Like you have never drunk too much and been sick (I have btw...perhaps I should leave my children)

Just about everyone has been drunk enough to get sick a few times in their lives, when they're young, or have been to some very special 'do'. To get that drunk at home, watching cricket, is a completely different thing. Why should anyone accept that kind of behaviour in a partner, who promised to never do it again if they were married? I know someone who was married to a binge drinker, it only tapered off when he was in his sixties because it made him so ill that he couldn't do it any longer. By then they had no relationship left, and his children have a lot of problems because of his drinking.

There is a lot of minimising on here, and it’s not helping.

Neither of you sound like you are in a strong enough place to have children.
It does put a huge strain on every aspect of life. Your ocd will need to be carefully managed, you will need lots of support but most importantly your husband needs to be rock solid. Your mh is obviously a factor, and in hindsight a partner that could support you fully would have been a better option.

Your dh has a ‘drinking problem’ in your words, and that has not gone away. It never goes away.
It can only be managed, usually with professional help.

A serious discussion is needed as to how you move forward, what help he needs and how you navigate your future.

Some quite aggressive responses on here. I really don't think it's helpful to label this man abusive. Christ knows we come across enough horrifyingly abusive men in mumsnet posts, and it muddies the waters to label any unacceptable behaviour as abusive. This guy clearly has issues, but I believe everything the OP says about his character. Let's not all jump on her and tell her she's a moron in denial. She actually knows him - we don't!

I really don't think he's an alcoholic. He may misuse alcohol but this is very infrequent.

I've been with my dp for 2 years and thrown up from alcohol once in those 2 years. Should I now give my DC up? No of course not.

Your dh is struggling with poor mental health at the moment. He knows he is self medicating with alcohol. Why don't you be kind to him and speak to him logically about different ways to manage. He may not want counselling at the moment, he may not be ready and that's ok, there are different ways to bring about better mental health than counselling or misusing alcohol.

I rarely drink. It’s never been my thing...even in my teens and so on. I just don’t like the taste of alcohol or having a hangover...or on those few occasions, being sick.
I just don’t think being sick is the worst thing possible.

It’s not great that he drank to excess at home alone. In fairness to all, I’ve never done that. I hope he is suitably mortified today...and life settles back down OP.

Away from anything else here, can I just say as a fellow emetophobe you did brilliantly. It is so hard and the terror is just so powerful. In terms of children, as someone who once tried to get out of a moving car when someone was looking ill, I was able to support my DD when she had a horrid Exorcist-like bug and as you coped with this, you’ll be ok. There is help out there. No advice re your relationship, you know how you feel and what he’s generally like. You did so well.

"To get that drunk at home, watching cricket, is a completely different thing."

100%. This is a clue to alcoholism, drinking and getting drunk alone.

It's not normal to drink so much by yourself that you nearly choke on your own vomit. I have never been so drunk that I am sick, let alone can't control it. DP has been sick once when he was 18, but not choking on your own vomit level and we both drink fairly regularly. In fact I only know one situation where someone was like this, and they were 17 and hadn't eaten, it's not normal at all.

However I do think some PP are being a bit harsh, this is once in 2 years its not every couple of months.

He has a drinking problem, but now would be the perfect time to sort it. My actions would depend on what he says from now, he needs to recognise his depression and alcoholism.

I would hold off TTC. I don't think I would go so far to say he is abusive, he has obvious MH problems so I don't think you can say him being sensitive is abusive as opposed to his MH.

Your reaction was a bit extreme but there are mitigating factors (OCD)

This is 100% NOT NORMAL.

He is in the process of developing/acquiring some kind alcohol abuse/dependency.

Stop TTC immediately.
You will regret reproducing with this man.

Sorry to say, but I’d also reconsider the marriage.
You are in your 20s don’t sign up to a life of this misery.
40 years of this kind of crap (&more) is a lot

Yanbu, i would freak the fuck out about this too.

Op I use to have diagnosed OCD and vomit was my 'thing'.

I once kept my DC off school for the 2 weeks leading up to Christmas as there was a bug doing the rounds.

Cbt and prescription drugs did nothing.

I had 3 rounds of proper counselling dealing with childhood trauma and abandonment. I got to know myself and started to relax. I'm still a bit funny about raw chicken in the house but I've got over my OCD. Please seek proper help for this, your life will be so much better without the constant worry of vomit.