To consider ending a 15 year + friendship because of this? **Potentially Distressing**

[NaviSprite]

I’ll try to be short as I’m torn between absolutely seething and just gobsmacked.

Today a person I have known since I was eleven years old (roughly) hit a very raw nerve.

I was out with her and my toddler twins. A nice older lady complimented them and I politely said thank you, then she asked did I have any other children. I explained gently that I have three children. My lovely twins and my baby boy who never got to experience life (he was stillborn at 42 weeks - earlier this year). My friend then cut into the very short polite chat and said “but he doesn’t count.”

She actually said my third child, my second son, didn’t count. Because he isn’t with us.

This friend has children of her own (home with their Dad today) and she had relatively straight forward pregnancies and births with them, which I’m happy for.

My twins were very premature and low birth weight, they fought hard to make it through (they’re thriving now and I’m so proud) and she has often made odd comments whenever they have received compliments too.

Best example is when an acquaintance said how advanced they were.

Thing is they seem that way to observers because they’re still very small for their age and so to other people who don’t know much about them, they seem to be younger than 20 months old and so what is regular for most toddlers to do, seems impressive because people don’t know that’s how old they are (if that makes sense?).

I’m actually a little uncomfortable with compliments in general so I just go with the default smile and say thank you approach.

My friend then said “they’re 20mo, when my DD was that age she was already walking and saying at least 20 different words.”

I’ve tried thinking about things from her perspective but I’m at a bit of a loss and so very hurt. I don’t know if this is her weird version of a competition. She doesn’t bring her children when she comes to visit so I don’t think it’s a case of my twins taking attention away from her DC... I just don’t get it.

But the comment today about my stillborn son, that cut deep and I don’t know that I can forgive it.

I asked why she said he “didn’t count”. Her reply was “Well you never really had him”.

So I guess my post wasn’t that short (sorry!).

My question is, should I consider the friendship over? Or am I overreacting?

The more I think about it, she has often made somewhat cold remarks but I think today it finally hit me just how harsh she can be....

Sorry, but why do you even want to be friends with her?

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Your lovely wee boy counts. What was his name?
Your friend is a dick, and you'd be completely within your rights to end contact

I'm sorry to say but she's no friend. She's a twat. Cut your losses and run for the hills. Who needs enemies with friends like this?
What she said was pretty disgusting, inconsiderate and downright cruel. Is she jealous of you for some other reason so she feels the need to put your children down? Not that this gives her an excuse to be a horrible cow.

Sorry for your loss and in my eyes he definitely does count

I guess it's up to you if the friendship is over. She's breathtakingly insensitive, of course, and I'm so sorry you had to hear those nasty comments. And so sorry too for your loss, and for all the trauma that comes with and after a prem birth experience .

I suppose that if you don't WANT the friendship to end, you have the option of expressing to her how you are feeling about these things you have said, and seeing if she is appropriately apologetic, and willing / able to change her behaviour....?

Of course he 'counted!'

Your friend is no friend.

@NaviSprite

AWFUL thing to say, and also innaccurate! Of COURSE he should be included.

What a thing to say!

You have to talk to her about it, and tell her how it upset you, then take it from there.

Sometimes people speak without thinking...

for your loss...

Dear God, what a thing to say.
I don't think I could stay friends with someone like that.
What a shitty thing to happen to you, OP. I'm sorry you had to hear it.

So sorry for your loss.
Of course he counts. What a horrible, insensitive thing to say to someone.
I would definitely think it's justified if you decide to leave this "friendship" in the past. Life's too short to have people in it who are like this. Especially since you have known her such a long time!

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy and for the thoughtless words of your friend. He does count. Years before my birth, my brother Christian was born sleeping at full term. He’s still my brother, and always will be. I would rethink having contact with her.

I guess I don’t have that many, in fact she’s the only one who kept in touch throughout most of my life. She’s not always like this, but since we both had children this odd behaviour has increased.

I don’t make friends easily so I know I have a hard time letting people go. This is the first time she has truly upset me - usually I’m quite thick-skinned.

We’ve known each other a long time (longer than I’ve known my DH) and despite the odd falling out (mainly when we were teens) we’ve always reached an understanding. But to try and do so with this particular issue isn’t something I know I can face.

She’s not a friend, OP. The fact that she defended her stance rather than apologising would be enough for me.

of course he counts

Your son counted. Your friend sounds poisonous, what a terrible thing to think, never mind say to your face.

I think your friendship is over; to say that he did not ‘count’ is unforgivable.

What utter fucking nonsense your so called friend spouts.

Even if she cannot relate, as your friend, she should still be supportive of your view. She has no right to a view.

Oh my god. What a bitch. I'm sorry, OP. You deserve a better friend than this horrendous human being.

Your boy counts. He absolutely counts, in every single way.

Of course your son counted. I couldn't be friends with someone who could be so cruel and insensitive.

Gosh, why was she even speaking? The lady was talking to you. I’d struggle to be friends with someone who hurt me like that, especially as your loss happened so recently.
Take some time perhaps. She might reflect on her words and realise how cruel she has been.
I hope you can enjoy your lovely twins and cherish the memory of your son x

Of course he counts. He’s your baby. He always will be your baby. She is not a friend. I am so sorry you poor love. What was his name? (though obv don’t say if you think would be outing, I just mean it as in he counts). Just lots and lots of love xx

I truly don’t think you’d be overreacting to end a friendship over this. It wasn’t even like it was a clumsy comment and then she was falling over herself to apologise (which would still be awful), she actually tried to justify what she said. She sounds like an awful women.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful boy does count. Take care x

Ah OP that's an awful thing to say. Regardless of the circumstances he is still part of your family.

My sister's first son was still born at full term 17 years ago and we still talk about him. His sisters know about him and visit his grave on his birthday and Christmas every year.

Maybe have a talk with your friend and let her know how hurt you are after her comments. Give her a chance and see if things improve

He counts.
What was he called?
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Your friend's remark was horrible. I think I would have to tell her this, in case she is just really, really insensitive. If she refused to listen, I would cut her out.

Your son counts.

It is the friend who does not count.

Thank you so much already! My little boy born sleeping is named Christopher.

I have often wondered if my friend has a reason for these outbursts- I have found that I have had to explain my feelings a fair few times to her throughout the years and often it leads to some kind of apology.

I just don’t know that I have the energy to do it this time

I don’t think she has any reason to be jealous of me just that she maybe feels that my DD and DS get a lot of attention being twins and all (I’m an introvert by nature so struggle with it but I’m so happy for them) it’s never much past the usual “cute”, “clever”, “well-behaved” sort of comments so I don’t know why she takes offence.

Oh bless you.

What an absolute bitch.

If I was you I would put everything you've just said up there in a message to her and let her know she has upset you.

I'd also remind her that every milestone your twins pass is very special because of their battle and you feel she dismisses them and constantly compares them to her own children which is odd and unnecessary as it isn't a competition.

Write that you really shouldnt have to tell her how much your first child matters and is always with you and a part of a family and that although that tragedy has never happened to her you are gobsmacked by her insensitivity. She should think long and hard about the things she says to you because they are making you seriously reevaluate whether you want to continue a friendship with her. Her response will tell you everything you need to know about her.

She isn't fit to be called your friend.
I would be texting her just that.
Sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.