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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending a 15 year + friendship because of this? **Potentially Distressing**

235 replies

NaviSprite · 13/07/2019 19:12

I’ll try to be short as I’m torn between absolutely seething and just gobsmacked.

Today a person I have known since I was eleven years old (roughly) hit a very raw nerve.

I was out with her and my toddler twins. A nice older lady complimented them and I politely said thank you, then she asked did I have any other children. I explained gently that I have three children. My lovely twins and my baby boy who never got to experience life (he was stillborn at 42 weeks - earlier this year). My friend then cut into the very short polite chat and said “but he doesn’t count.”

She actually said my third child, my second son, didn’t count. Because he isn’t with us.

This friend has children of her own (home with their Dad today) and she had relatively straight forward pregnancies and births with them, which I’m happy for.

My twins were very premature and low birth weight, they fought hard to make it through (they’re thriving now and I’m so proud) and she has often made odd comments whenever they have received compliments too.

Best example is when an acquaintance said how advanced they were.

Thing is they seem that way to observers because they’re still very small for their age and so to other people who don’t know much about them, they seem to be younger than 20 months old and so what is regular for most toddlers to do, seems impressive because people don’t know that’s how old they are (if that makes sense?).

I’m actually a little uncomfortable with compliments in general so I just go with the default smile and say thank you approach.

My friend then said “they’re 20mo, when my DD was that age she was already walking and saying at least 20 different words.”

I’ve tried thinking about things from her perspective but I’m at a bit of a loss and so very hurt. I don’t know if this is her weird version of a competition. She doesn’t bring her children when she comes to visit so I don’t think it’s a case of my twins taking attention away from her DC... I just don’t get it.

But the comment today about my stillborn son, that cut deep and I don’t know that I can forgive it.

I asked why she said he “didn’t count”. Her reply was “Well you never really had him”.

So I guess my post wasn’t that short (sorry!).

My question is, should I consider the friendship over? Or am I overreacting?

The more I think about it, she has often made somewhat cold remarks but I think today it finally hit me just how harsh she can be....

OP posts:
Blutopia · 13/07/2019 20:21

How could anyone say such a thing - especially a "friend"?

My friend's first child was also born sleeping, and we talk about her all the time - she would have been 9 last month. She has had two boys since, lovely lads, but it doesn't mean we have forgotten about her daughter who didn't get to stay.

Of course your son counts. I think you should distance yourself, this person is not bringing you anything but pain.

Praiseyou · 13/07/2019 20:22

I have never hit anyone in my life but I think I would have knocked her out on instinct.

Of course Christopher counts. Sorry for your loss OP.

I couldn't be her friend anymore.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 13/07/2019 20:22

Of course Christopher counts, he’s your boy and always will be.

I’d have to walk away from the friendship and never look back. You don’t need that kind of toxic behaviour in your life. Flowers

Kneehighinshit · 13/07/2019 20:23

Op, you need to think about why you are still friends with this person. It is because they are a good friend or is it because you've been friends for so long you feel tied to her.

She's been saying some very shitty things to you. It doesn't matter if she's been a friend for 15 days or 15 years. If she's making you feel like crap you need to reduce the time you spend with her.

Agree with above poster, stillbirths and the loss of a child should NEVER be hush hushed for the sake of saving someone else's discomfort. This society is terrible at supporting this who actually need it.

Hoping you soon find friends who behave like actual friends and recognise you as a mother of 3.

MotherofKitties · 13/07/2019 20:23

Aa mother herself she should have an ounce of understanding and sympathy, and as one of your oldest friends she knows what you've been through and the hurt it caused, and she still cane out with that comment?

She's no friend. Never talk to her again. Don't put yourself through that again. And I'm so sorry for your loss OP Thanks

ILearnedItFromABook · 13/07/2019 20:25

It does sound like she's bizarrely competitive and insensitive. The fact that she didn't apologise suggests that this wasn't just a moment of incredible thoughtlessness. She's acting as though she's incapable of basic empathy.

You could spend the emotional energy of trying to explain how hurtful this was, but it doesn't sound like she'd be likely to learn from the experience and be open to change, which means there's always the risk of her continuing to make insensitive remarks.

I think it might be time to let this friendship end and be on the lookout for a new friend who actually behaves like a friend. Flowers You deserve someone who treats you better than that.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 13/07/2019 20:25

I am so very sorry for your loss, OP Thanks

I'm also very sorry that this long-standing 'friend' felt the need to dismiss your child. And then dig a deeper hole trying to explain herself. Sadly, it looks like this reveals her thoughts and I don't think I could continue a friendship with someone with her opinions. I wouldn't ever be able to talk about my child again without second guessing what she'd say, and that's not how close friendship works. Also, what she's said and done is clearly very hurtful. I'm really sorry she's done this.

Chiochan · 13/07/2019 20:25

My heart goes out to you, I cant imagine how heartwrenching it must be to lose your little one just as your journey together was starting, that comment was despicable.
Your friend does sound like a dick, I guess only you can decide if you think its worth carrying on contact. If you do I would explain to her how hurtfull her comments were so she has the chance to appologise.
Dont hang on to her out of feeling you dont have many friends, its easy to meet people when you have kids, Ive had my best social life when my two were children.

BykerBykerOoh · 13/07/2019 20:28

He counts.

Mythreefavouritethings · 13/07/2019 20:28

He counts, of course he counts. He’s as much right to be loved as any of us. Our value and worth to others isn’t marked by how much time we have spent on this earth or what we have done. Christopher is loved, he brings love, and no one can minimise that. There’s oversights and then there’s this. Agree with others, bring it into the open and give her a chance to respond. We’re all entitled to opinions and she is to hers but if she really believes this, it may be to much for you to come back from.

Silene · 13/07/2019 20:29

I don’t think you can think yourself into her perspective, because it is not valid. Of course your lovely baby counts, and that he was born this year makes it even more unforgivable. My children have a brother who lived for two weeks, no less their brother, no less our son, I can’t begin to even comprehend this person. And my nephew, who was prem, and underweight, but not for his actual age, is now a big strapping lad, taller than most in his class. You are a brave and special mother of three special children. 💐💐💐

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/07/2019 20:31

Christopher counts please don’t listen to this horrendous woman.
Op you sound lovely please please let go of this toxic ‘friend’ she is beyond cruel.
I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

BoredToday · 13/07/2019 20:32

Christopher counts.
He was a blessing.
Your 'friend' is a nasty and sad individual.
I wonder what the woman in the park thought about her nasty interruptions?!
She's jealous of you or deeply insecure she has to put you down to that extent.

Sarahandco · 13/07/2019 20:32

She sounds very immaturely competitive.

I am afraid to have to agree with everyone else - she is not a true friend. Her attitude to all your children seems to be very wrong.

Is it strange that she does not bring her own children when you meet up?

dustarr73 · 13/07/2019 20:32

I have often wondered if my friend has a reason for these outbursts- I have found that I have had to explain my feelings a fair few times to her throughout the years and often it leads to some kind of apology.

She has no reason at all.Thats just downright spiteful and mean.Who needs friends like her anyway.And of course Cristopher counts.He counts an awful lot.

user1511042793 · 13/07/2019 20:34

He absolutely counts but your friend doesn’t. What a nasty needless thing to say. So sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.

gem584848838 · 13/07/2019 20:35

Your post has made me cry. How dare she say that?! What a vile, pathetic excuse for a friend
I'm so sorry about your little boy Thanks

Veryveryouting · 13/07/2019 20:35

Jeez that was awful of her OP. Of course your baby boy counts!!! What a horrid person she is.

I lost my son in the second trimester. A friend of mine was really shit around the time. She's no longer a friend.

I couldn't move past that comment if I was you.

BasilF12 · 13/07/2019 20:38

I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine...
Your friend is an ignorant bitch.

Justaboy · 13/07/2019 20:39

So sorry NaviSprite to read of this. I often think that stillbirth is somehow a bit like such MH illnesses as depression, and a lot of people can't understand them or comprehend them.

Hence that damm stupid phrase "pull yourself together"

MindatWork · 13/07/2019 20:41

Oh @NaviSprite, your posts have made me cry a bit, I’m so sorry for
your loss.

I don’t think I could be friends anymore with someone like that, she sounds like a terrible person. I’ll be your friend, you sound lovely and a wonderful mum xxx

IABUQueen · 13/07/2019 20:43

I’m shocked beyond words...

She is really nasty and there is no excuse to say what she said other than she wanted to hurt you..

I don’t know what she would do such a thing about such a sensitive topic. It’s very cruel.

I’m so sorry you went through this OP. Yes I would distance myself and keep it civil and distant.

Some people are just very hard to understand

Burlea · 13/07/2019 20:43

She is disgusting, I wouldn't consider her an enemy never mind a friend. She is a nothing. I'm sorry for your loss. Christopher is and will always be a part of your life.
I had a miscarriage nearly 38 years ago and I still class that child part of our lives.

Pcosmum88 · 13/07/2019 20:44

I miscarried 12 babies before my precious rainbow girl was born last November.

They all counted. They counted to the many doctors, nurses, midwives and consultants that cared for me through this pregnancy and during delivery.

Angel babies count and so do your feelings. Your ‘friend’ didn’t consider either of you with her snide comment

TooManyPaws · 13/07/2019 20:45

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course Christopher counts.

I lost my only pregnancy just a few weeks in and I still think about that child. My friend's fourth child was still born but is still very much a member of the family; his picture is in the sitting room alongside his brothers and sister, and he is mentioned regularly, never hidden away.

❤️💖💗