To consider ending a 15 year + friendship because of this? **Potentially Distressing**

[NaviSprite]

I’ll try to be short as I’m torn between absolutely seething and just gobsmacked.

Today a person I have known since I was eleven years old (roughly) hit a very raw nerve.

I was out with her and my toddler twins. A nice older lady complimented them and I politely said thank you, then she asked did I have any other children. I explained gently that I have three children. My lovely twins and my baby boy who never got to experience life (he was stillborn at 42 weeks - earlier this year). My friend then cut into the very short polite chat and said “but he doesn’t count.”

She actually said my third child, my second son, didn’t count. Because he isn’t with us.

This friend has children of her own (home with their Dad today) and she had relatively straight forward pregnancies and births with them, which I’m happy for.

My twins were very premature and low birth weight, they fought hard to make it through (they’re thriving now and I’m so proud) and she has often made odd comments whenever they have received compliments too.

Best example is when an acquaintance said how advanced they were.

Thing is they seem that way to observers because they’re still very small for their age and so to other people who don’t know much about them, they seem to be younger than 20 months old and so what is regular for most toddlers to do, seems impressive because people don’t know that’s how old they are (if that makes sense?).

I’m actually a little uncomfortable with compliments in general so I just go with the default smile and say thank you approach.

My friend then said “they’re 20mo, when my DD was that age she was already walking and saying at least 20 different words.”

I’ve tried thinking about things from her perspective but I’m at a bit of a loss and so very hurt. I don’t know if this is her weird version of a competition. She doesn’t bring her children when she comes to visit so I don’t think it’s a case of my twins taking attention away from her DC... I just don’t get it.

But the comment today about my stillborn son, that cut deep and I don’t know that I can forgive it.

I asked why she said he “didn’t count”. Her reply was “Well you never really had him”.

So I guess my post wasn’t that short (sorry!).

My question is, should I consider the friendship over? Or am I overreacting?

The more I think about it, she has often made somewhat cold remarks but I think today it finally hit me just how harsh she can be....

Christopher counts

The length of time of a friendship doesn't mean you have to continue it. I'd rather have no friends than 1 who can speak such pure nastiness, for that's what it was. Who in their right mind would even think such a thing, never mind say it out loud?? And then to the person who has just suffered the loss? That's just staggering.

The more i read your op the more i would fucking do her damage.This is your get out clause.She wont get any nicer.And at least you can tell yourself you did it for Christopher.And his memory.

You sound like an ace friend to have , move on and find someone else to make a friendship with. I am sending love x

Friendship over for sure. What a heartless cow. I’m so sorry for your loss

Don't have any different to add to all the kind comments. Except your son counts. He will always count x

She 'doesn't count'. Your little boy definitely does xx

Of course your baby boy counts.
You are his mum. You grew him, kept him safe and warm and he experienced your love.

At what point does the heartless cow think that a person begins to "count"?

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss
And also so sorry that you had to experience cruelty of that level from a "friend".

She isn't a friend OP, so don't feel bad about ending a friendship. She has already done that.

What a complete fucking bitch.

Who needs enemies with friends like that? I assume there's some other amazing beautiful personality traits this so called friend has to balance out her utterly toxic side?

OP I am so sorry first of all for your loss and also that you've had to put up with such shocking and hurtful comments from someone who has the nerve to call herself your friend. Her comments were unforgivable and honestly I'm at a loss at what would possess someone to say something like that. Christopher is your son and always will be Don't waste any more time on that woman, she doesn't deserve your friendship.

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby
What your friend said is appalling it made me gasp when I read it, she is no friend I'm afraid.

What a horrible, vile thing to say. Of course Christopher counts. I don’t think there’s any way back from such a remark.

I really really hate using this word but OP your 'friend ' is a Grade A CUNT. Block and move on and of course your son counts

My late parents had 4 live children then 2 still born sons. They were as much my baby brothers as the living one. We regularly visited where they were buried, although they didn't have their own marked graves. Their deaths hit my parents hard & even up until his own death my father always told anyone who enquired that he had 6 children, but that 2 had died. Your little boy very much counts

When it comes to disagreements with friends, or family, on MN. I often think the OP is over reacting a little. But in this case, 100% your friend is totally in the wrong. Of course Christopher counts and I am so very sorry for your loss. Tbh everything else she said isn’t even in the equation for me. She killed the friendship with that one line. How anyone could be so insensitive and cruel is beyond me, let alone someone who claims to be a friend. I agree with everyone else. This woman does not deserve your friendship. You sound like a genuinely lovely person and this woman, well I won’t write the words I would use for her! Cut her out of your life. You don’t need people like that. Your true friends will celebrate your amazing twins achievements, not be snide and snarky.

Of course little Christopher counts, what a horrible friend. :(

I hope you are ok OP, she sounds horrible:( I don’t think she counts as a friend

Xxx

I don't think you have to hide your son or your loss OP. I have a colleague who sadly also had a baby born sleeping, when asked how many children she has, she says I have two daughters name A and nameB, but the eldest A I didn't get to spend this life with. This woman is not a friend and is actually just a horrible person, you don't say that to anyone.

When I read what she said I imagined you must have felt as if your egs had been cut out from under you (that's the image that came to mind). I don't know what I would do if I were you.

She is jealous of that little attention your children receive.

This person is cold hearted and mean spirited and that's the polite version. Ofcourse Christopher mattered.. Ofcourse you've had three children.. I had four children, three still with me and one not called amelia. She counts and your son counts. I'd rather be left with no friends than be around people so cruel and insensitive to others feelings.. YANBU to feel so upset. Its she that doesn't count xxxx

Christopher absolutely counts.
I too think your friend is jealous, I bet your lovely twins get lots of attention and she gets her nose put out of joint.
I would seriously consider ending the friendship.

He existed and he’s your baby. He counted then and he counts now. YANBU. What a hideous, insensitive ‘friend’ she is. I don’t think I could be friends with her anymore tbh.

I think your boundaries are telling you she's crossed a line and ideally tell her clearly that her way of speaking is unacceptable. Ot just let her go. She sounds really mean.

It would have been fine not to mention him if that’s what you wanted. It was a passing encounter with a stranger and I think in those circumstances it’s ok to give uncomplicated answers. If you want to talk about him, you absolutely can and should. Your friend was wrong to silence you and dismiss your baby boy.

Have you had any involvement with Sands OP? It might give you an opportunity to spend time with parents who really understand.