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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider ending a 15 year + friendship because of this? **Potentially Distressing**

235 replies

NaviSprite · 13/07/2019 19:12

I’ll try to be short as I’m torn between absolutely seething and just gobsmacked.

Today a person I have known since I was eleven years old (roughly) hit a very raw nerve.

I was out with her and my toddler twins. A nice older lady complimented them and I politely said thank you, then she asked did I have any other children. I explained gently that I have three children. My lovely twins and my baby boy who never got to experience life (he was stillborn at 42 weeks - earlier this year). My friend then cut into the very short polite chat and said “but he doesn’t count.”

She actually said my third child, my second son, didn’t count. Because he isn’t with us.

This friend has children of her own (home with their Dad today) and she had relatively straight forward pregnancies and births with them, which I’m happy for.

My twins were very premature and low birth weight, they fought hard to make it through (they’re thriving now and I’m so proud) and she has often made odd comments whenever they have received compliments too.

Best example is when an acquaintance said how advanced they were.

Thing is they seem that way to observers because they’re still very small for their age and so to other people who don’t know much about them, they seem to be younger than 20 months old and so what is regular for most toddlers to do, seems impressive because people don’t know that’s how old they are (if that makes sense?).

I’m actually a little uncomfortable with compliments in general so I just go with the default smile and say thank you approach.

My friend then said “they’re 20mo, when my DD was that age she was already walking and saying at least 20 different words.”

I’ve tried thinking about things from her perspective but I’m at a bit of a loss and so very hurt. I don’t know if this is her weird version of a competition. She doesn’t bring her children when she comes to visit so I don’t think it’s a case of my twins taking attention away from her DC... I just don’t get it.

But the comment today about my stillborn son, that cut deep and I don’t know that I can forgive it.

I asked why she said he “didn’t count”. Her reply was “Well you never really had him”.

So I guess my post wasn’t that short (sorry!).

My question is, should I consider the friendship over? Or am I overreacting?

The more I think about it, she has often made somewhat cold remarks but I think today it finally hit me just how harsh she can be....

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 13/07/2019 19:55

Oh and no. You shouldn’t ever have to only talk about your living children to save someone else’s feelings or to save any distress. Your baby boy should never be reduced to being a trigger warning or a “sensitive subject”. If you want to talk about him then you go ahead, I’ll take an infinite number of uncomfortable feelings about stillbirth and baby loss if it means that those parents who suffer it every single second of every single day get to have even a brief moment of relief. Obviously if you don’t want to talk about him you should never be forced, but don’t you EVER think you should hide him away to save the feelings of others.

flumposie · 13/07/2019 19:55

Sorry for your loss . She is vile. I would be distancing myself.

BlueMerchant · 13/07/2019 19:56

She's been by your side all these years because she gets a kick out of throwing these hurtful comments your way.
Makes her feel better about her own life if she can put you down.
Some friendHmm

Sorryisntgoodenough · 13/07/2019 19:56

F*ing hell.

My 4 miscarriages still count as (much wanted) pregnancies despite not getting beyond 10 weeks. How the hell can someone even think that of a full term pregnancy? I am gobsmacked.
So sorry for the loss of Christopher Flowers

it’s never much past the usual “cute”, “clever”, “well-behaved” sort of comments so I don’t know why she takes offence

I think it is because Your twins take the attention away from her. Also the fact that twins in general get more attention and she is peeved her kids don’t get complimented as much. She is envious and it has resulted in her making an unforgivable remark. Of course he very much counted. She really isn’t much of a friend. Once your twins are at nursery/school you meet people with kids the same age, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her she is despicable and block her.

Hazardtired · 13/07/2019 19:56

Christopher counts.

Not sure if this woman should be counted as a friend though OP.

NCforthis2019 · 13/07/2019 19:57

Dump the cow. You have 3 children, one is just watching over you in a different place, in a different way. X

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 19:57

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

When I read these threads I always try to see the other perspective, but its very difficult with this one as whichever way you look at it she was an insensitive bitch.

I think she probably is jealous, I had a prem baby and she always got a lot of comments when she was a baby/toddler as she was advanced for her age anyway and looked ridiculously so for her size. I remember one day there was a couple doing the 'aww, look at that thing' and I prepared myself for the usual spiel and it wasn't my baby they were cooing over. It was weird (good though, I hated it and so did my DD as she got older). So your friend possibly rarely gets the same level of comments and so is jealous that yours get more attention.

The thing is though, what she said was so incredibly insensitive, if you are able to ever forgive her it will take a while. I would do nothing at the moment take a step back and take time to decide how much you need the friendship and wait for her to make the move.

raspberryk · 13/07/2019 20:00

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your insensitive friends behaviour. Ditch her.

You also shouldn't have to adjust your responses to questions about your children to make other people comfortable. There's no reason you should hide Christopher at all.
By being open and honest we are dissolving the stigma and silence around pregnancy and infant loss.
Xx

thefraggleontherock · 13/07/2019 20:01

I'm so sorry for your loss OPThanks

To mirror what everyone has said, she is an awful friend/ no friend at all. Of course your beautiful boy 'counts'. Her statement was horrendous but the fact he was only born earlier this year and your loss is so fresh just makes it even more so.

I have had friends who become weirdly competitive after having kids, it's a thing. But I could never forgive your friends comment.

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 20:01

However I would add, I can not for the life of me think what was going through her mind at the time of the comment, and of course he counts.

noeyedeer · 13/07/2019 20:01

Christopher counts. Always. If it feels wrong to you not to mention him, then it's wrong. Please don't stop talking about your son because of other people.

The small for age thing; I've got a full term, but very small DS. If people say anything, I just say he's perfect for his age, or "he's four, but thank you, I think he's great."

As for your friend: if a message will bring you closure, then send the message. If her answer means that you can continue the friendship, do. If her answer means that you can't, that's fine too.

Take the path you need to take. You matter. Christopher matters.

scater · 13/07/2019 20:03

Oh Navi, we could be the same person in so many ways.
Our first daughter was born sleeping too, though our subsequent twins are now 5.
I think with someone who is meant to be a friend you have to have the conversation.
There have been times over the last 7 years since our first baby was stillborn that people have said stupid stuff but someone who is meant to love you needs to understand or bugger off.
I've been asked 'the question' lots of times now and it totally depends on the situation and how I feel as to whether I mention our first daughter. That is something you have to deal with every time you are asked but if any of my friends behaved In That way I would really struggle.

Sending you love and hugs, your beautiful Christopher, a big brother to the twins and always your first born son xxx.

ohfourfoxache · 13/07/2019 20:04

I’m so sorry you didn’t get the time with Christopher that you should have Thanks

Your “friend” is not friend. She is an absolute, out and out bitch. How DARE she tell you that your beautiful boy didn’t count?

Cut this cow loose, she is not a friend in any way, shape or form

dothewalkoflife · 13/07/2019 20:04

Of course your Chrisopher counts. He will always count. He counts in every possible way, he is your son.

To me, this would be unforgivable. Especially amidst previous comments, though obviously a horrific comment, it's not uncharacteristic of her.

Flowers
Fundays12 · 13/07/2019 20:04

Omg your friend is horrible offcourse your stillborn son counted.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/07/2019 20:05

I think that's a hard question to answer. I have never been in your situation but I can see why you didn't want to leave him out.

I would say that the only person that doeant count in this scenario is your 'friend'. Even if she doesnt understand it, it doesnt take a genius to work out that arguing against how someone wants to remember their child is never a good idea

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/07/2019 20:05

You can’t hang on to a relationship with his disgusting person. What she said was so malicious and so cruel.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 13/07/2019 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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CorBlimeyGovenor · 13/07/2019 20:11

P.s. so sorry for your loss. Christopher is such a lovely name too! X

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/07/2019 20:13

I'm so sorry your little baby didn't get his chance.

This woman is NOT your friend. She's fucking horrible. You deserve better friends who support you!

TheDandyHighwayman · 13/07/2019 20:15

Sleep well, bonny lad.

SeeSomethingSaySomething · 13/07/2019 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

MitziK · 13/07/2019 20:16

Fuck her off.

She's a cunt and you don't need somebody like that in your life.

ArchieStar · 13/07/2019 20:18

What a HORRIBLE person she is!!!

He counts, he always has done and he always will be. I had an early miscarriage and often think of them as “my eldest”. He will never be forgotten 💖

cunningartificer · 13/07/2019 20:19

Of course he counts. It used to be that in Ireland people would ask ‘how many children do you have?’ Then ‘and how many living?’ It was a recognition of the special importance of counting all your children and not hiding your grief. Or see Wordsworth’s poem ‘we are seven ‘ about a child counting every brother and sister.

Your friend sounds insensitive at best, possibly jealous, but perhaps someone who’s been taught to hide things that are painful. She may find it awkward to think about your pain and prefer you not to mention it. Not an excuse, but worth a conversation if you otherwise value her friendship. If not, life’s too short to put up with her nonsense.