I’ll try to be short as I’m torn between absolutely seething and just gobsmacked.
Today a person I have known since I was eleven years old (roughly) hit a very raw nerve.
I was out with her and my toddler twins. A nice older lady complimented them and I politely said thank you, then she asked did I have any other children. I explained gently that I have three children. My lovely twins and my baby boy who never got to experience life (he was stillborn at 42 weeks - earlier this year). My friend then cut into the very short polite chat and said “but he doesn’t count.”
She actually said my third child, my second son, didn’t count. Because he isn’t with us.
This friend has children of her own (home with their Dad today) and she had relatively straight forward pregnancies and births with them, which I’m happy for.
My twins were very premature and low birth weight, they fought hard to make it through (they’re thriving now and I’m so proud) and she has often made odd comments whenever they have received compliments too.
Best example is when an acquaintance said how advanced they were.
Thing is they seem that way to observers because they’re still very small for their age and so to other people who don’t know much about them, they seem to be younger than 20 months old and so what is regular for most toddlers to do, seems impressive because people don’t know that’s how old they are (if that makes sense?).
I’m actually a little uncomfortable with compliments in general so I just go with the default smile and say thank you approach.
My friend then said “they’re 20mo, when my DD was that age she was already walking and saying at least 20 different words.”
I’ve tried thinking about things from her perspective but I’m at a bit of a loss and so very hurt. I don’t know if this is her weird version of a competition. She doesn’t bring her children when she comes to visit so I don’t think it’s a case of my twins taking attention away from her DC... I just don’t get it.
But the comment today about my stillborn son, that cut deep and I don’t know that I can forgive it.
I asked why she said he “didn’t count”. Her reply was “Well you never really had him”.
So I guess my post wasn’t that short (sorry!).
My question is, should I consider the friendship over? Or am I overreacting?
The more I think about it, she has often made somewhat cold remarks but I think today it finally hit me just how harsh she can be....