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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

190 replies

trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 09:44

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

OP posts:
Hairyhat · 11/07/2019 09:46

Get rid of him for being stingy anyway. No birthday card? Really, really off.

TheJoxter · 11/07/2019 09:47

Trust your gut!

Blahblahblahnanana · 11/07/2019 09:50

Trust your instincts.

What are the things he says that make you think ‘hummm’?

What did you do for birthday? Was it just sex?

Does he take you out, is he stingy?

Is sex any good?

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 11/07/2019 09:52

Those feelings are usually correct so trust them.

ButEmilylovedhim · 11/07/2019 09:52

You MUST listen to your instincts. Pure physical dread is not normal in any way! Your unconscious (or whatever you want to call it) has noticed something and is trying to communicate it to your conscious brain the best way it can. There is a book, The gift of fear, that deals with this. Please read it if you can. You need to believe this feeling. It might safe your life. Take really good care extricating yourself.

bridgetreilly · 11/07/2019 09:53

You can't be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like that.

tenredthings · 11/07/2019 09:54

Trust your instincts, you should not be feeling such a sense of dread. Trust yourself to be looking out for your best interests and leave him.

BarbedBloom · 11/07/2019 09:54

Always trust your instincts. I ignored mine and ended up with an abusive arse. People recommend a book called The Gift of Fear that apparently talks about this

cookiechomper · 11/07/2019 09:55

End it. There may not be anything secretly wrong with him ( apart from the birthday card) but your feelings for him are enough to tell you that he's not right for you.
If you're feeling dread towards him, that's not likely to develop to love.

trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 09:55

@Blahblahblahnanana he's just said a few off things like for instance "no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her". Then one night I was staying at my guy friends house who is gay and he said "R better be gay like". Things like that.

On my birthday we just had dinner in my house, no sex, hadn't slept together at that point.

He NEVER takes me out, he always just comes over. Sometimes we don't even have sex as he is so nervous so it's just kissing, cuddling and talking.

Sex is not very good no, he has no problem me giving him a blowjob but it's like he's scared to touch me.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 11/07/2019 09:56

A bit of uncertainty I would say is one thing but dread is another.
Listen to your instincts we have them for a reason.
You are unconsciously picking up something from him that you recognise as wrong don’t ignore it.

bobstersmum · 11/07/2019 09:57

He sounds weird!

Lllot5 · 11/07/2019 09:58

Just read your update just get rid.

jay55 · 11/07/2019 09:58

You can dump him for any reason. All the things you mention are a reason. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't make you feel excited and happy to be with them.

Teethlikepins · 11/07/2019 09:58

Jesus get rid Shock

StellarLunar · 11/07/2019 09:59

Why would you want to stay with him? Definitely say goodbye

StellarLunar · 11/07/2019 10:00

And don't have him in your house when you dump him. Either phone him or tell him in public

crosspelican · 11/07/2019 10:00

God almighty, there's no point going out with him (well, you're NOT going out, really, you're staying in with him!) - get rid. You don't have to give him a reason, or justify it to anyone.

chipsandgin · 11/07/2019 10:01

You say there is no apparent reason then list at least four total dealbreakers:

Not generous or kind
Selfish in bed & weird about sex
Trying to control you/tell you what to do & not understanding that friendships can be platonic
Homophobic

Run for the hills!

Blahblahblahnanana · 11/07/2019 10:01

@trustmyinstinct there’s too many red flags. He sounds controlling, sex is rubbish and he can’t even take you out or help you out with buying something when he comes to your house for a meal.

He should be trying to impress you and making an effort. I bet he doesn’t give you oral but is happy to receive....

Bluntness100 · 11/07/2019 10:03

Why are you persevering? No one should be with someone they dread seeing.

IdblowJonSnow · 11/07/2019 10:03

He doesn't sound like a good un from anything you've said.
The sex stuff is 'off' as is never going out or getting you a birthday card.
The stuff he's said about other blokes is a red flag that he'll become a jealous psycho in the not too distant!
I think your knot of dread is there for a very good reason op! Please get rid, sounds very dodgy!

ginghamtablecloths · 11/07/2019 10:04

Always, always trust your instincts.

BBBear · 11/07/2019 10:06

Get rid. Do it today by phone so you don’t have to see him tonight.

Even if there aren’t red flags, you obviously donut want to be with him, and you certainly don’t owe him anything.

Babdoc · 11/07/2019 10:14

OP, what is wrong with your conscious mind?! Why is it only your gut instinct that is screaming “Leave!”?
Can you really not see the huge red flags flapping in your face?!
This chap is just using you. He doesn’t take you out, doesn’t even buy a card, let alone a present, for your birthday, just turns up expecting dinner and sex, and offers nothing in return. All while trying to isolate you from your friends and displaying pathological jealousy.
In what universe can this selfish abusive shit possibly be regarded as a great catch?
Please listen to your instinct. What it’s saying should have been barn door obvious ages ago. Leave!

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