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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

190 replies

trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 09:44

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

OP posts:
Snog · 11/07/2019 13:28

Text again saying I've decided to call time on our relationship as its not what I want.

Then block and do not discuss any reasons for your decision.

finn1020 · 11/07/2019 13:28

Is there anything actually appealing about him? He’s stingy, thoughtless, inconsiderate, doesn’t bother to think about what might matter to you, sexually crap or possibly gay or both, and showing signs of being jealous and controlling. At this early stage it should be exciting and fun while you’re still getting to know you. Yet already he’s wearing you down.

Ditch him, work on your self esteem, get fit, go for nature walks, connect with friends, enrol in a creative workshop, do some things just for you. Stop dating for a while until you value yourself more so next time you don’t set the bar so low.

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2019 13:29

“no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her”

This is the reason to dump him. You don’t need any other. This is the biggest red flag of all.

Belenus · 11/07/2019 13:32

"no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her".

Run away.

I got nervous seeing my bf at the start of our relationship because I knew it could turn out to be really important. At no point have I ever dreaded seeing him. In fact when he's not around I just miss him really badly and want him here.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/07/2019 13:40

He only ever comes to your house? And he didn't buy you a card? Are you sure he's not married? Also his comments about staying at men's houses sound threatening. He is an abusive partner waiting to happen.

user1480880826 · 11/07/2019 13:41

He sounds very controlling and odd. To say that he wouldn’t tolerate his girlfriend having male friends is reason enough to leave him.

Run for the hills.

dottiedodah · 11/07/2019 13:42

How many reasons shall we list:Not being taken out,Bad sex ,Homophobic comments ,Nothing contributed toward supper ?.No card or Birthday presents !.How are you BU at all, to get rid of this guy and the feeling of dread that goes with him!

MissDew · 11/07/2019 13:47

He's coming to you for free dinners and sex on his terms ?

Stop the free meals and sex of any description. He will disappear faster than you can say, 'taxi.'

justasking111 · 11/07/2019 13:57

I think he is gay, a blow job, his eyes shut imagining an italian stud. been there got the t shirt. Mine went onto marry and make his wife totally miserable for over thirty years.

MissDew · 11/07/2019 14:00

I guess the positives are that he does treat me nice when we are together, we have a laugh, I can be myself and he says he can too. We literally can sit and talk for hours straight about anything. There is definite chemistry there. He supports me.

Talk is cheap, or in this case, free.

He supports me. Really ?

He's training you up to accept his crappy behaviour. Don't be the person saying, after 20 years if relationship, he's always been like this.

He's thirty years old and to babyish to buy you a birthday card ? I think he's got good at talking and talking and talking.

You keep giving and he keeps taking. Wonder why he keeps coming back ? For free food and free sex of course. Which you willingly provide. For what ? More talking ?

What sex ? You mean you giving him another bj ?

Remember: when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

LadyBumclock · 11/07/2019 14:16

Urgh he sounds awful.

At best, absolute best he’s an unthinkingly entitled, selfish misogynist and that’s easily reason enough to dump.

At worst he could be deeply controlling and dangerous. Your instinct is telling you something is very wrong. Please get out now.

ppeatfruit · 11/07/2019 14:16

The meanness is enough to get rid of him without the rest.

DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 14:17

he's just said a few off things like for instance "no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her". Then one night I was staying at my guy friends house who is gay and he said "R better be gay like". Things like that.

RUN.

DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 14:22

Would I be within my right to just block him? No explanation?

Christ. Of course you are within your rights. You owe this man NOTHING.

I sometimes despair of the way in which we bring girls up to be nice and polite at any cost, even if it kills us, I really do.

murmuration · 11/07/2019 14:24

for instance "no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her".

um, WTF?? Dump him.

Then one night I was staying at my guy friends house who is gay and he said "R better be gay like".

even more dump him.

This isn't even just a feeling, this is hard facts that he'll try to control your relationships, and your access to other human beings.

LadyBumclock · 11/07/2019 14:30

Yes I don’t think many men would be hesitant about dumping and blocking someone who made them feel dread. Not blaming you OP but it is typical of the way women are socialised to be nice and understanding and even put that above our instincts - i’ve done it myself too.

StoppinBy · 11/07/2019 14:31

If you have any sense of fear from this man then I would not just block him or send a dumping message and then block him.

I would do it in a very non blaming way so that he doesn't get angry.

I would rather settle it on friendly terms if I was worried for my safety in any way.

Jellybeansincognito · 11/07/2019 14:34

It’s not a good start is it op? I mean, you’re just casually dating and he’s saying this controlling stuff and not making any effort to flatter you.

Stop seeing him!

DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 14:36

I would rather settle it on friendly terms if I was worried for my safety in any way.

The problem with that is that it works with reasonable people. With non-reasonable people, they can see it as an "in", a possibility - it makes them think that there's been a misunderstanding, if only they can get her to see the error of her ways, she still wants to be friends, so they can talk about it...

I would be brief and blunt: "Sorry, this isn't working for me. Best of luck". Then block him.

dustarr73 · 11/07/2019 14:40

I would rather settle it on friendly terms if I was worried for my safety in any way.

But you are worried,thats why you have that big knot in your stomach.I would just text him finishing it and block him.

TeaForTheWin · 11/07/2019 14:42

Yup, trust your gut. Also 'speaks about the future' ...in what way? I mean you've only known him a few months. That and 'seems really into me' makes me think of lovebombing and future-faking tbh. Could be a narcissist.

whatswrongwithmyarm · 11/07/2019 14:44

He sounds awful. I feel dread just reading about him.

LadyBumclock · 11/07/2019 14:45

You can always take the “i’m not ready for a relationship” line in your dumping message to make it less about him. But I agree, don’t give him any chance to discuss it or try to persuade you. Just block and ignore - that’s most likely to make him look elsewhere.

Summertimeatthebeach · 11/07/2019 14:45

Sounds like how I felt before dumping exh not starting off with new dh!!
Unless you are his priority in bed get rid!
Never mind the rest of your list!!
No explanation needed.
A simply sorry it's not working for me will do. If anything. Block before he can persuade you he is an adonis.....

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2019 14:45

Doesn't sound like he warrants the courtesy of a proper break-up.

Text and block or just block.

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