To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

[trustmyinstinct]

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

The comments you shared in your update post show that he is unreasonably jealous and possessive. So that is not instinct, that is a concrete sign that he is a dangerous man to get in any further with.

I stints are your brain telling you it’s worked something out but hasn’t quite told you what

I’m a huge believer in them

Trust your gut - these feels are there for a reason and we don't take enough notice of them. He obviously isn't your forever man so leave now. Please don't just carry on until something awful happens then think 'ah, that's why I felt weird around him'.

Dump him. You don’t feel relax about him, it’s not right.
And tbh he does sounds weird.

You don't need to date anyone you don't feel good around. You don't need a reason. He sounds awful.

I guess the positives are that he does treat me nice when we are together, we have a laugh, I can be myself and he says he can too.

These are not positives, they are bare minimum mandatory requirements. What I mean is, they are the very least you should expect in any partner, not glowing positives that set him apart as something special.

The rest of what you describe about him paints him in a very poor light indeed - selfish and clear signs of a strong tendency towards controlling behavior. Do yourself a favour and get rid.

Crap shags?
Judgement on friendships?
No birthday present?

Fuck that.

He probably doesn't want to touch you because he's secretly gay.

He sounds awful and a relationship with him would be unhealthy and probably also unsafe. All posters have unanimously said to ditch him OP.

So he came over for dinner on your birthday empty handed? I'm sorry but that's utterly shite. A card or a bottle of wine or SOMETHING, surely?

He sounds awful. There are plenty of men out there who you can have a good conversation with who will also get you a card on your birthday and not kick off about you having male friends.

All the things you say are positives about this relationship are basically what I would expect from a colleague or acquaintance - being pleasant, consistent, not expecting a 'show' and having a laugh together are the kinds of things you can get from someone in the pub! Relationships are about trust and sharing a life together - how on earth can you do that with someone who inspires a feeling of dread in you?!

Listen to that knot in your stomach. I have an ex - years ago now who whenever I was meeting him I would always tell someone but couldn’t put my finger on why. It eventually ended when he started dating an ex friend. When I met dh I never needed to. Enough said.

Stingy, too nervous to touch you, jealous and gives you a knot in your stomach? Marry him.

Could he be married.Thats why he wont go out with you,or do things with you.Could be guilt.

I would get rid,hes controlling, crap at sex and wont bring you out.And this is in the honeymoon stage.Imagine what he be like when he has his legs under the table.

He might be latent gay or borderline Asexual.

Any past history with women that you know off or can find out?.

Wonder if he's been badley hurt in the past somewhere by someone and is still recovering?

I know the textbook response is saying LTB but seeings that decent men are like rocking horse shit and no on is perfect, perhaps see if you can wheedle whats wrong out of him before calling it a day?

BTW OP can you say how old he is at all?

Even if he was generous, thoughtful, not controlling and the sex was incredible, your gut instinct alone would be reason enough to end this. You don’t have to carry on seeing someone just out of politeness.

If you’ve only been seeing this guy for a few months, it really shouldn’t be this difficult or complicated. You’re supposed to be lapping up the honeymoon stage at this point, it should be fun and lovely.

Dump him and find someone who doesn’t give you a stomach knot and who buys you a birthday card.

Could he just be incredibly insecure? Perhaps not had many sexual partners (has he spoken about past relationships?) which is why he is nervous in bed and potentially jealous about you having friendships with other men?

The lack of birthday card and not bringing anything with when you're cooking a meal is a bit stingy, but surely you could say 'Steve, when you come next time can you bring a bottle or a dessert'? It just might not have occurred to him (not a great trait, granted) but from what you've said, he's not a mass murderer and does have some positive attributes. Some of these responses are quite OTT.

But at the end of the day, only you can decide if it feels right or not.

He's 30

OK i think that can rule out ED. Perhaps try to find out a bit more of his past?. I wonder if you think you've found a really good bloke and just can't quite believe it?.

Maybe?

No way! Get out!

@Justaboy a "really good bloke" does not say (or think) things like

no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her

Did you miss that?

OP - NO NO NO.

Op, run, don't walk. A controlling, homophobic tight arse with massive sexual hang ups?! I don't think you even need to trust your instincts on this one, he is practically writing you a Dear John himself!

How on earth can 'everything seem normal'?

he's just said a few off things like for instance "no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her"

That would be enough for me. Just that.

You literally DREAD him.
Then he puts on a (what your primal brain knows to be fake) performance and you keep him around.

Maybe he's gay, maybe he's asexual or maybe he's just selfish and shit and gets dumped when women work it out ... so he's really possessive with you early on, hoping to trap you before you figure his shitness out.

Just dump him before he feels too much ownership over you, making it more dangerous.

Your primal survival instinct knows he's a bad'un - get clear of him.

Come on OP you can do much better than him. He scrapes through with the bare minimum you’d want from a partner. Trust your instincts and move on!