Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

190 replies

trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 09:44

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

OP posts:
Sunfull · 11/07/2019 10:42

Your update gives some pretty concrete reasons why it's not feeling right! Your gut is just backing up actual evidence at this stage.

Also - even if it wasn't, I think a feeling of dread and aversion on its own is far more than enough to stop seeing someone - especially if you are having sex (however infrequent). Why would you want to have sex with anyone who you feel dread towards?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/07/2019 10:43

Why would you want to have sex with anyone who you feel dread towards?

And how can you be attracted to him? Has something happened in your early life which has left you with a need to be bullied/ ignored. dominated in a sexual situation?

QueSera · 11/07/2019 10:43

He sounds dreadful OP!
Doesn't take you out, only comes round to yours, doesn't bring anything, not even a birthday card on your birthday, sounds selfish in the sex department, bad sex, weird jealous comments - plus your feeling of dread - end it now OP!

ifonly4 · 11/07/2019 10:43

It sounds like he has sexual issues, but putting that aside not even a birthday card, cooking your dinner. Is there any chance he could be involved with someone else, as it sounds like he doesn't want to be seen with you. Even if there's a money issue, he could have made a card, offered to cook you dinner, taken you for a walk by a river with a drink at the end - none of which would cost too much.

You're clearly not looking forward to seeing him as things aren't right and you know it. You can't continue like that in a relationship.

Lougle · 11/07/2019 10:44

I think gut instincts can be wrong. But you aren't having a gut instinct. You are consciously feeling dread and apprehension about seeing this man. You need to react to that.

Dieu · 11/07/2019 10:46

He's awful, even without your spidey senses tingling.
Please get rid and raise your expectations of men in future Thanks

Omzlas · 11/07/2019 10:46

Stinginess aside, you have a feeling of dread? That would be enough for me. There's an entire thread on MN about this kind of feeling and I believe on trusting your gut.

YY to PP who suggested not having him in your house when you call things off.

DarlingNikita · 11/07/2019 10:54

'dread' is a very strong term. If you feel that way about him then obviously dump him.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 11/07/2019 10:54

Even your title is off OP - no dates, crap sex and trying to control your friendships is not "normal" !! Dump and run, please!

SparklyMagpie · 11/07/2019 10:57

You've written about him before haven't you OP

All this is very familiar

ginghamtablecloths · 11/07/2019 10:58

And if he's 'staying in with you' and has never taken you out he's just using you. The next problem - how to dump him diplomatically without causing a worse problem.

LauderSyme · 11/07/2019 10:59

I think he's got some serious psychological issues, like he thinks he's God's gift and he hates women. He doesn't bring you anything cos he's bringing himself and that's enough of a 'present' for you. He doesn't take you out cos his company is sufficient entertainment. And he appears nervous in bed cos he's actually disgusted by sex and intimacy and only wants to empty his balls.

I could be completely wide of the mark of course, but your gut is trying to tell you something for a reason. Looking back on the times I have failed to trust my instincts, I have always lived to regret it. Run!

notoafternoontea · 11/07/2019 10:59

I've been reading a book with my seven year old recently that talks about "Early Warning Signs" of a funny feeling in your tummy, or your heart beating fast, or not feeling safe. And if you ever feel like that, to tell someone in your Safety Network immediately.

You've told Mumsnet, we're your Safety Network.

End it.

BeardyButton · 11/07/2019 11:04

What are his redeeming features? Im all for consistency and compromise... But he sounds truly terrible.

noonarna · 11/07/2019 11:04

Just sounds very boring and disappointing OP. Get rid, life is too short to waste time with people that don't make you feel excited to see them!

Wereeaglesdare · 11/07/2019 11:04

Omg girl what are you even getting out of this relationship. Better to be single and have a few exciting dates. Unfortunately you have probably met some arse holes that don't take a lot of interest in your life. So this guy who is just being normal in that respect comes across as great but he's not. You will be bored to tears if you continue this. You want some confidence and some fire in the bedroom not some nervous guy who won't even go near you. Also not buy you a card bit shit isn't it. Don't see him again your natural instincts are keeping you safe. I mean for all you know he's a bloody serial killer maybe that's why he's funny in the bedroom control and all that.

Dump him via text something final but nice then block. Then dust yourself off have a bit of you time and then get back on the dating scene.

DeadButDelicious · 11/07/2019 11:05

Reading your OP and then your update I would advise you to listen to your instincts. They are screaming at you to get rid.

NeckPainChairSearch · 11/07/2019 11:08

It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it

Thank God for instincts, eh?

no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her

Massive. Red. Flag.

Get out of that OP.

CatteStreet · 11/07/2019 11:14

I'm with those wondering why you're persevering when you feel like that, whatever his good or bad points (and he seems to have rather a lot of the latter). You're allowed to end a relationship, or not get into one, for whatever reason or non-reason you choose. We as women have been socially conditioned to put up with a lot for the sake of being with a man, but there is in fact no list of acceptable reasons to leave. And it really is better to be alone than badly accompanied.

Mitzicoco · 11/07/2019 11:15

notoafternoontea
What is the book -sounds great!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2019 11:16

YANBU
Sounds like friends with benefits. Except you’re not friends and he gets all the benefits... and gets to play the jealous boyfriend when he is nothing of the sort.

merlotqueen · 11/07/2019 11:21

And the positive things are.......???

Lacebug · 11/07/2019 11:23

What advice would you give to a friend who described the guy she is going out with in the way that you have? I hope you would tell her to run in the opposite direction and not look back.

He doesn't sound like a kind, considerate or generous person, I think you deserve better.

Original poster
trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 11:24

I guess the positives are that he does treat me nice when we are together, we have a laugh, I can be myself and he says he can too. We literally can sit and talk for hours straight about anything. There is definite chemistry there. He supports me.

OP posts:
Snowy81 · 11/07/2019 11:25

Leave. You say he seems nervous about sex. I see he wants you to pleasure him but doesn’t want to do the same for you.
You aren’t allowed guy friends? Wow,
You don’t go out anywhere?

Run, run, run, run, run. Your instinct is telling you too, so listen to it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.