To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

[trustmyinstinct]

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

We literally can sit and talk for hours straight about anything.

After drinking the wine and eating the food that you paid for and he hasn't contributed a bean too.

No wonder you are full of dread, he sounds a tight knobber.

It's easy to "support" someone when it's just a case of saying nice things. His actions don't support yo at all - issues in bed, tight/stingy, never takes you out, never contributes towards food etc, doesn't cook a meal at his, that's without the possessive red flag comments about opposite sex friendships! Look at what he does, not what he says.

Trust your gut.

Comments about not having male friends are a huge red flag.

Even without that, the stinginess and crap sex are enough of a reason not to pursue a relationship with him.

And I worry that this is just causing you to have an instinct because you think everything else seems normal - Christ you need to raise your bar! Clear red flags everywhere.

@krustykittens
A controlling, homophobic tight arse with massive sexual hang ups

I didn't get from the OP that he was homophobic - she said she'd gone to her male (who happened to be gay) friend's house and he'd said "he'd better be gay" because he didn't want her having any non-gay male friends, not because he's homophobic. That's how I understood it anyway.

Jealousy isn't great either, but I don't think she was saying he's homophobic.

Oh good grief! Not even a card on your birthday, doesn't contribute to cost of food, never takes you out, doesn't like touching you, gives you feelings of DREAD!

There are plenty of men who will sit and talk and support you and make you laugh, BUT who will also delight in having sex with you, take you out, and whom you don't DREAD seeing.

Cancel tonight's date, lose the dread, find someone better.

Please trust your gut and stop trying to find the best in him or giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Always trust your instincts. I ignored mine and ended up with an abusive arse. People recommend a book called The Gift of Fear that apparently talks about this

^^this

I don't think it's a matter of trusting your instincts as such, it's recognising that you aren't right for each other for whatever reason. If you aren't comfortable with him, finish it and move on.

You're not listening to your head so your gut is SCREAMING !! at you that this is not right. Our guts are usually right.

He doesn't have any good qualities, you say you both can talk for hours, that's great, but in a few years it'll be boring as hell when you want a shag and he wants to talk.

You say he supports you ? how ? by listening and talking ?

He didn't even buy you a card.. miserable fecker !!!

He only wants blow jobs, and doesn't want to touch you, when you do have sex it's crap... hmmm I personally recon he is gay.

There's nothing good going on here.

Urgh. No. re-read this to yourself.

He never takes you out.
You always cook for him, he doesn't contribute or offer to reciprocate.
He makes very odd comments that make him sound like a sexist control freak.
He didn't even buy you a birthday card.

Dump dump dump and run away. You can do much better!

I'd text him now and say that its not working out and that you wish him all the best for the future then block him from everything.
Seriously why are you entertaining this man OP? he sounds really awful, you need to work on your self esteem.Dont tell him face to face as you don't want him to turn nasty.

Absolutely agree with @boysey45.

Next!!

You “dread” seeing him.
Trust your instincts.
Stay away from him.

He :-
a) fears that he may be gay and is using you to convince himself that he is straight - that might explain why he is nervous about touching you but does accept the oral sex
or
b) is married/partnered already and his nervousness in bed is guilt.

Either way this relationship is not what you want for yourself is it?
Say, "Bye-bye," and free yourself for the possibility of meeting a lovely, generous man who you will inspire butterflies in your tum not dread!

He's definitely not gay or married, I just know it. But no I've yet to be around his family or friends but he had invited me to two weddings over the summer.

He says he gets so nervous because there is emotion attached to me and he hasn't ever had that before. Before we had sex we would be kissing and he would keep making excuses when about to go further like "I need the toilet" etc. So eventually I said are you nervous to sleep with me or what's going on? And he admitted he was.

If my subconscious was sending me those messages I would be scared.

Never mind the more obvious bad points you’ve listed. What you’re feeling could lead to your finding out, in years to come, that this individual has committed a string of gruesome crimes.

He’s also a completely rubbish boyfriend.

Please get away while you still have all your skin and the ability to breathe.

Run. Always listen to your gut. I wish I had with Mr Wonderful as I called him. He was far from wonderful in the end.

I can’t see why you are with him, you don’t have to have a reason to end the relationship, if you are looking for a reason to stay with him then you shouldn’t be with him. You certainly shouldn’t be feeling dread at seeing a boyfriend, trust your instincts just end it.

Is he called Steve?

He's not called Steve no. And he has cancelled on me a few times so I don't find him reliable.

I text him this morning saying okay so definitely on for tonight? He's been online a couple times since and is just not reading my messages.

Would I be within my right to just block him? No explanation?

I would message him saying something like enjoyed our time together but concluded it won’t work together and time for us both to move on.

Then block if you want but I would in this case have the courtesy to send a dumping message first.

Yes, yes you would. Just do it and don't look back.

I am not remotely materialistic or 'grabby' but if a new fella came to my place on my birthday for dinner without so much as a card or a bottle of wine, there would be no further dates.
(Unless he'd been saving blind orphans from drowning, or some equally heroic act)
Your updates do not paint a good picture at all.