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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust my instinct even though everything seems normal?

190 replies

trustmyinstinct · 11/07/2019 09:44

Been dating this man for a few months now, he's really nice, seems really in to me. Only downside has been he gets very nervous when it comes to sex and a few times he has made a few comments that have made me a bit hmm. He also seen me on my birthday and didn't even bother to get me a card and whenever I cook for him at my house he has never once brought or offered to bring anything. Other than that though, he is consistent, he doesn't leave me wondering, he shows an interest in my life and speaks about the future and I'm very attracted to him.

But there is something inside me niggling at me that I can't quite place my finger on. It's probably been my biggest gut reaction I've ever had to anyone in my life. It is this knot in my stomach when I think about him or about seeing him. Not a nervous knot or butterflies, just this knot and overwhelming dread that something is not right but I have no idea where it's coming from as there's no obvious reason for it. I am meant to be seeing him tonight and again I have this knot of dread, there's something I just don't trust about him and I don't know why and there's never been a reason not to. I honestly can't explain the feeling, even in past relationships where I've been unsure it is nothing like this feeling. It's just pure and utter dread but when I am actually with him I enjoy myself and have a good time.

So AIBU to just trust my gut and get rid of this guy even though there is no apparent reason for my feeling?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 11/07/2019 14:48

Also, OP, bear this in mind: you don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to give any reasons why you don't want to continue in this relationship.

You just don't, and that's more than reason enough. Nobody can force you to stay, and you don't need "good reasons" or someone else's permission.

Just state it politely but firmly, don't wait for an answer, block and move on.

PoloMama · 11/07/2019 15:01

Trust your instinct and definitely do not finish the relationship when you’re alone with him. Do it in public or by phone.

TeaForTheWin · 11/07/2019 15:05

Just read your updates

There is emotion attached to me and he hasn't ever had that before
At thirty? He has never felt emotion like that before. RUUUUN.

And for future reference when anyone mentions being emotionally cold/distant/detached (even 'until I met you' ect) maybe with some excuses eg: having a bad run of exes or a tough childhood or depression - run. Because it is a common narcissistic excuse to give an 'explanation' for why you FEEL they are emotionally distant. When infact, they are just dead inside and trying to hide that from you.

NeckPainChairSearch · 11/07/2019 15:32

Would I be within my right to just block him? No explanation?

Within your rights? You don't have to apply for permission. This thread is (I think) unanimous. Run, don't walk.

Red flags all over the place.

b0bb1n · 11/07/2019 15:36

Always always always trust your gut instincts!

foreverhanging · 11/07/2019 15:44

He sounds like a waste of your time op

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2019 16:01

It’s nothing to do with gut instinct. It’s about what he actually says and does. Gut instinct can be wrong. His own words have shown him to be a jealous controlling man even in these early days when he should be showing you his best self.

Boysey45 · 11/07/2019 16:21

I wouldn't just block him because you don't want him coming round banging on the door etc. Text then block so he knows its over.

notoafternoontea · 11/07/2019 16:44

@Mitzicoco it's this. I really like it - and so does she.

Sherry19 · 11/07/2019 16:47

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Bignicetree · 11/07/2019 16:53

Why is everyone talking about instincts? Shock
This has bugger all to do with instincts or gut feelings

This guy is full on straight up weird and you dread seeing him!!

Wake up !

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 11/07/2019 16:54

I would follow up with @Sherry19 message and then distance yourself

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2019 17:01

“This has bugger all to do with instincts or gut feelings ”

Yep. Exactly.

LadyBumclock · 11/07/2019 17:03

Well he appears to be a lazy selfish tight-fisted chauvinist, but that wouldn't normally inspire stomach-churning dread. Just annoyance, frustration and ultimately the boot.

The dread OP is feeling is her instinct that something's off about him - something other than just being a shit boyfriend.

Belenus · 11/07/2019 17:07

This has bugger all to do with instincts or gut feelings

Actually it has. The OP couldn't put her finger on what was wrong, but had a sense of dread. The sense of dread led her to ask her. People here then latched on to the things which were odd very quickly. However, the OP has been so ground down that she can't really logically find these things. She just going on that instinctive dread.

It's not necessary to be dictated to by your gut feelings, but you really should listen to them. They can then guide you to the evidence that something is odd. Whenever I squashed mine, being encouraged by people saying "you're too quick to judge, you could be wrong" I've actually been proven right, time and time again. If I have a nagging sense of doubt now I listen to it.

StoppinBy · 12/07/2019 02:00

@dustarr73 and @DistanceCall he has been to her house, he knows where she lives, do you really think it's a great idea to leave a man who you have a fear of just dangling and wonder if he is angry and dangerous?

It doesn't need to be inconclusive, a simple coffee date in a café or other public date and tell him sorry but we are headed in different directions in life and it's not working for me, thank you for the lovely times we have had but it's time for us to part ways, face to face where you can gauge his reaction feels safer to me than a dump and run.

womensvoicesmatter · 12/07/2019 02:09

face to face where you can gauge his reaction feels safer to me than a dump and run

No. This man in controlling. The OP does not need to dump him face to face. He may make it difficult to do that.

A text is fine.

managedmis · 12/07/2019 02:12

You can chat to a mate for hours after food and drink.

The sex is shit and he makes you feel sick.

You are not a charity, op. What are you playing at? Get rid of his sorry ass

womensvoicesmatter · 12/07/2019 02:12

"no girlfriend of mine would have guy friends as they're all just looking to shag her"

That's a dumpable offence right there. It's controlling. Don't let him tell you it was only a joke. It wasn't. And anyway, no decent boyfriend would joke about that.

managedmis · 12/07/2019 02:13

Does he still live at home?

BrendasUmbrella · 12/07/2019 02:46

It's up to you, but if you block him it's possible he'll try and get in contact with you to find out why. Send a text so he knows. "Sorry but this isn't working for me anymore, take care."However you know him and I don't, and if you think blocking is the best thing to do, go with your instincts.

justilou1 · 12/07/2019 02:51

Hills are that way ➡️. RUN!!!

Durgasarrow · 12/07/2019 02:51

He may be interested in you, but he doesn't seem to care about you, if you understand my meaning. So your gut feeling is 100 percent correct. He might be attracted to you for his own purposes, but he doesn't seem to want to do loving or caring things to make you happy. I know that my husband cares about what I like to eat, how warm I like a room to be, and all kinds of little things like that. This man doesn't seem to care about those things--and you are still in the courtship phase. That's really bad.

Mitzicoco · 12/07/2019 07:41

Thank you *@notoafternoontea * :)

DistanceCall · 12/07/2019 12:58

@StoppinBy, a "simple coffee date" won't appease him, which is what you appear to believe that the OP should try to do.

If he's a violent man, it won't work, and it will give him more ammunition and goad him on ("but why?", "but you said" "but look, we can be friends", "why won't you just listen to me", etc.)

The OP doesn't have to put herself through any of this - she doesn't owe this man any explanations. A polite text is more than enough, and being inside her home while he's outside trying to get in is a much better position than being face to face with him, even in a public place.

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