To be over the moon my DP has finally took his balls out of Mummy's handbag and told her where to go

[FirstTimeMummyDS88]

from Hell, like she's actually a Demon http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/3610296-mil-from-hell-like-she-s-actually-a-demon

Link to previous thread above

So as a few of you may remember reading my previous posts my MiL is bat shit crazy. The lest few weeks my DP has been more supportive but was still getting a lift to work everyday from her (they work in same place and she says there's no point them both driving).

It was DS 1st birthday 2 weeks ago and we decided to have a few friends and family around for cake and a few party games, decided against a big party as he's 1 and will never remember it and we planned a few days out over his birthday week.

Party started at 2pm, DS was sat on floor with a few other children playing pass the parcel (with help from my brother who is 14) when PIL arrived at 3.15, MIL swanned in like a Disney Villain and picked up DS mid game from my brothers knee without so much of a word to anyone. I asked her if she could give DS back to my brother so he could finish game as DS was trying to get down. She loudly announced that she wanted to give him his presents. DP stepped in and said "well it won't hurt to wait 5 minutes, let's let him finish playing first, we can do the cake and then presents"

She handed DS over to DP who gave him straight to my brother. She muttered something about how I always have a problem with everything she does and called me a cow, my brother took exception to this and said "don't talk about my sister like that, especially in her house and at a kids party, act your age"

MIL demanded to have a word in kitchen with DP and myself where she proceeded to tell us that she had wanted private time with her Grandson on his birthday and was furious at being spoken to like that by my disrespectful little shit brother. Now I have probably called my brother far worse over the years but I am not having anyone speak about him like that and especially as I don't think he said anything wrong so I told her if she couldn't be civil then to leave as I wasn't having a scene and if I hear another word about my brother I'll throw her arse out myself

Anyway a bit later we go to do the cake and as I'm walking in with the cake and we are all singing happy birthday she tries to take DS from DP who shrugged her off and helped DS blow out candles. She loudly asked what the problem was and my DP tried to shush her. She suddenly shouted at the top of her voice "your trying to keep me away from my baby" Well it was like a switch was finally set off in DP's brain and he told her to shut up and he would speak to her after party. Guests all left probably feeling quite awkward. DP then went off like a bomb telling her that she was disgusting to ruin his party and that DS is not her baby he is our baby and from now on she needs to back the fuck off or she won't be seeing either of them again. She tried to argue back but he wouldn't have it (was actually quite a turn on haha) since then he hasn't seen her, she has phoned once to see how him and baby are and he has just said "we are all fine, we will see you soon I'll ring you" and he has started driving himself to and from work. SIL sent a message kicking off about the way he spoke to their mum and his reply was "you can go and fuck off aswell"

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable I just wanted to brag about my DP finding his spine and finally slaying the monster

I am so delighted for you OP. What I just said on the last thread (hadn’t seen this one) - is even more relevant:

You and your little family need a calm and peaceful home where you are both 100% focused on your DC. These people are polluting this even when they are not there. You are under threat, hyper vigilant not knowing what she will do next. This is wasted negative emotional headspace preoccupying you like which will drain you and make you depressed. Every negative thought in your head takes away from your relationship with your DC and DH - pushing out the positive stuff. MIL and the toxic family system she has created will never change. She is either NPD or BPD (or both) - totally impossible to work with. Grey rock, (she needs ZERO info about your lives - be careful also of cousin etc unwittingly feeding back info) LC or preferably NC is the way forward. Well done for your DP for tackling her head on. Do not give her any more opportunities to wreck anything including your wedding. I would seriously look at moving away and your DP relocating jobs.

@Hoppinggreen and @kanga83 This might sound odd, but I think the opposite. IME people who grew up in families that love and respect each other and have healthy boundaries tend to be shocked and appalled by stories like these, and it's often the people from dysfunctional families who are used to ignoring or justifying batshit behaviours and trampling over each other's boundaries and feelings that are usually the ones asking why we can't all just play nice and get along.

@FirsttimemummyDS88 it might get worse before it gets better when your MIL realises she's losing control but your dp is on the right track.

IME people who grew up in families that love and respect each other and have healthy boundaries tend to be shocked and appalled by stories like these, and it's often the people from dysfunctional families who are used to ignoring or justifying batshit behaviours and trampling over each other's boundaries and feelings that are usually the ones asking why we can't all just play nice and get along.

Twistoffate 100% agree. That’s why the advice to people in a difficult toxic relationship is to get out as even if the adult can cope with it the children absorb it and have that as their blue print - they don’t know what good looks like and when they then get into a relationship with a “wrong un” they tolerate it and try to fix it - and so the inter generational dysfunction continues.

Good on your dp. He's finally seen the light. Good luck for a happy future.

I remember your last thread. Talking of how she burst into your medical appointment at the hospital.

Great news that he's put her right. Hopefully she's learnt her lesson, but I doubt it.

I love how your 14 yo brother stood up to for you as well.

Your MIL was bang out of order.

What a fantastic update. Huge congratulations. I've just spent an hour that I should be working reading this thread (I remember the previous one too). You must be very proud of your DP. After all the years of complete bat shittery from her he finally stepped up. Her loss as I think you sound lovely and far more reasonable than I'd be in the same scenarios. Good luck for your futures x

Congratulations! Glad your DP has stepped up. Wishing you all the happiness 😁

This is amazing news! I'm so glad your DH has put you and the kids first 😊 hopefully you can regain some calm and feel less stressed without the MIL ready to bitch at your every move. Hopefully you'll have a lovely quiet registry office wedding with no drama and just a few important people genuinely wishing you both/all well.

SIL is over visiting and it's all kicked off again

It was altered ages ago that next time she was home DP, her and PIL would all sit down and go over PIL insurance paperwork and will, DP didn't want to go with current situation but went against his better judgement to just get it over with

MIL has said that when she and FIL have passed away she is leaving their house to DP and his sister in their will and then proceeded to give me DP the following 2 options

1. We live in their house and pay SIL a month rent

1. We live in their house and buy SIL out of their house from proceeds of selling our house

DP said either option is not happening for many reasons

1. Our house is actually bigger and considering we have a 15 month old DS and I'm now 14 weeks pregnant with our second the last thing we need is less space
2. Our home is the house of our dreams, we fell so in love with it we blew our wedding fund on it as it was over our budget and we've now spent almost 3 years making it perfect
3. How the hell are we meant to get along with his sister and share the ownership of a house given all past arguments

So DP suggested they could sell the house and split the money 50/50. SIL was not happy saying she wanted the house to stay in the family as all her childhood memories are in that house and it's her base to stay when she's back in the UK. Obviously DP argues back saying it couldn't not possibly be her base if we lived there as it's a small 3 bedroom house and we will soon have 2 children and we have a dog and SIL hates dogs. I got the blame for all as usual even though I wasn't there for any of the conversation

Agreed now altered
I really should proof read before posting haha

Could SiL buy DP out of his share?
Given that they use SiL as a flying monkey, the problem I see is that if DP pushes hard against their ideas they may decide just to leave it to SiL instead. Could you and DP live with that?
They can't force you to live there but they could make it a condition of DP getting half, with a proviso in the will that if he doesn't it all goes to her. So there's no point in trying to put this off until after their deaths by saying that you will then not doing, however tempting that might be.
As it's only happened today, take your time. Think about possible scenarios and decide what you would feel about each.
I'm sorry they're still trying to control and dictate to your DP. They know what they're doing and are probably enjoying it.

PS
And if (purely for the sake of argument) you did decide to live there and pay her rent, then you'd need a proper agreement and it should say she couldn't just swan in any time she was in the UK to use it as a base. It would be your home, whether she owns half of it or not.

I did say to DP that it could mean they could leave the house to just his sister and he says he doesn't care, he won't be dictated to where he has to live with his family. At the end of the day their house just wouldn't work for us, it's too small, it's further away from both our works, friends and DS's childminder and baby groups. Plus we don't want to move even if it is years before it could be a thing, we love out home and have spent a fair amount of money and time making it perfect for us. As much as the SIL feels passionate because her childhood memories are in that house I want my children to have their memories in this house

If she loves the house that much then she can buy your DP out. Quite how she thinks it will work, maintaining a house from overseas, I don’t know - she won’t want lodgers if she plans to use it as a base.

Why was there the option of DP buying SIL out, but not vice versa?

If he really doesn't care if she gets the whole house, then it'll probably be better for him to tell PILs to just pass it to her.

How's the pregnancy going OP? Is it really 14 weeks already!?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I have a good suggestion, when you get married would your DP take your name ?

You know full well cockroaches like your MIL live forever, so all this talk of "when they pass away" is moot. There could be a nuclear holocaust across the Midlands and all that would remain is my MIL, DH's toenails and a few wasps.

Congratulations on the new baby. Do you think all the "lets go over insurance" is a ploy to drag your DP back in and get access again? I'm cynical but I think cutting off contact should mean cutting off contact.

@FudgeBrownie2019

I do think that was probably part of it but their meeting was agreed to months ago before the last lot of kick offs

They are looking for a reaction. Just say that 'no thank you, that won't work for us, give the house to SIL.' Once they have no financial hold over you they will stop.

I remember my DM telling me that there was a point in every relationship where the man had to tell his mother to fuck off or the relationship wouldn't survive

Your mother was talking shite.

You have the patience of a saint.

Tell them that the house will be sold and split OR sister buys your h out, and this is the final word on the matter

Then resume NC

They’re just pulling your chain again because they can

At the end of the day you don’t NEED the house so don’t get dragged into any of this crap

DP rang his sister about ten minutes ago and told her that If she's so adamant about not selling the house and splitting the money then either just have the house left to her or she can buy him out, she can decide and that's what should be put in the will

In the meantime again he doesn't want to here from any of them unless it's a life and death situation and he will review when baby number 2 is born

Missed the earlier update. Congratulations on the pregnancy. Glad your DP has stiffened and you've transferred to a different hospital too.

'You know full well cockroaches like your MIL live forever, so all this talk of "when they pass away" is moot. There could be a nuclear holocaust across the Midlands and all that would remain is my MIL, DH's toenails and a few wasps.' 🤣🤣🤣🤣