Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

YANBU especially on the first point about your graduation. Is your mum normally like this? Do you feel you could talk to her and tell her how you feel?

God I came here feeling pretty sure you would be unreasonable but you’re not at all! That’s shit. I’m sorry.

Aw love I'm sorry. I went to read thinking that you would be being selfish but actually your mum sounds like she's being a right cow.

That being said I'm not really sure there's anything you can do aside from just building your own world. Stop going to her for approval as you will just continue to be hurt when it is not forthcoming. Have you spoken to your sister or mum about it?

Your mother sounds batshit crazy, YANBU, I’m really sorry.

YANBU. I think she sounds quite mean, especially with the graduation.

I was prepared to say YABU.

But really you’re not. I’m really sorry. Keep those friends who are around you close- friends become your family. Your mothers behaviour is pretty awful. I’m so sorry.

I was so ready to come here and say you were being unreasonable until I read your list!

YADNBU!!!

Firstly, huge congratulations on graduating and your job!! It sounds like you've done some amazing things over the past few months/years.
I'm so so sorry that you've been treated like this though. You sound like you have a better relationship with your sister, can she maybe speak to your mum?

That does sound really grim. Do you feel happy talking to your mum about how you're feeling? Or if sister is supportive could you talk to her and maybe arrange an afternoon with just the 3 of you?

Has your sister noticed it too? Are you close to her?

We're you getting on with your mother before this? Sorry she is treating you so badly.

I think YANBU and that sounds really tough 😢 Could you talk to your sister about it?

YANBU. I am not sure there is much you can do though. I would disengage and try to not expect anything as it seems you are only getting hurt. I doubt you can get your mum back.

That sounds awful for you. Could you maybe talk to your mum and tell her how you are feeling? I wouldn’t necessarily mention your nephew as she may turn it around about you being jealous of him, but explain to her that you have hardly spoken. I would definitely speak about you being homeless after uni and having to sleep on a friends sofa.

Have you spoken to your sister about this? Could she maybe help your mum to see how you’re feeling?

What does your sister say? Has she noticed, maybe she could help with a quiet word?

YANBU. Your mum should acknowledge your graduation birthday and Christmas even if she is a grandmother. She is your mum and it was wrong of her to have u sleeping on friends sofas and not in her home. Sorry I am not sure what to suggest to fix it. Ultimately u cant change her and she is the only mum u will ever have. I think u could point out to her why u are hurt but it might not get u anywhere.

Your sister will probably be posting here sometime about her over-involved mum who thinks her grandchild is her own baby...

If my mum had told my brother he couldn't move back home after graduating and had to sofa surf so my baby could have its own room for one night a week, I'd tell her she was batshit and if DB was being treated that way my baby wouldn't be staying with her anyway. She's awful.

That does sound hard! Especially leaving you to sofa surf when she has a room that's only used once a week. And that's really bizarre not to buy any presents for adult children - I get that for a large family it gets ridiculous but there are only two of you. My DM and DF both buy for us and the GCs, it would be mean not to frankly (and for our spouses).

Honestly that sounds really shit. Could you raise it with her? It’s not normal.

You sound so sad and I totally get it / missing your mum is totally natural; it sounds like she’s gone totally barmy and in fact she’s just not acting very kindly. Could your sister maybe talk to your mum?

I was the same as most posters, ready to say YABU, but having read that, no your not. A graduation is a big important thing, I can't believe she could give you 1 day, just in case you sister needed help.
Would you be able to talk to her and gently remind her that she has 2 daughter's not just one?

I would speak to her and not mention the baby AT ALL, she will only use it against you an accuse you of being childish and jealous (you’re not).
Just say you’ve noticed she seems to be acting very distant lately and you’re wondering what’s up, give examples if she denies it (don’t link any of them to your DN) YANBU by the way, that’s utterly shit of her. It’s like you’re not good enough now because you didn’t produce the first Grand child.

God she sounds horrible. She blew off your graduation, that is unforgivable seeing it's a one of in your life.
Let her know she can buy cards for 5 for a £1 in some shops, no excuse to ignore her own childs birthday, or anyone elses.
I bet your Sis is feeling she's intruding a bit much and her Dp is probably pulling his hair out

Yanbu op, have you spoken to either of them about this?

YANBU

Your sister will get sick of her being so over involved and high maintenance wrt baby

If you feel like you can talk to her about it then do so. If not then I think you will have to lower your expectations

I know how you feel OP ☹️. No words of wisdom, it doesn’t get any better. Big hugs though x