Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

Hells bells, you are so not being unreasonable. That is horrible on the part of your Mother. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable. You don't abandon, or dump your child just because another of your children has a child.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make this right, and nothing anybody can do or say to replace having your Mum take the interest she should in your life, and give you the care and love she ought.

Mate, honestly... there's something about babies that make Grandparents psycho and I absolutely hate it.

YANBU at all, your mother is out of order.

Please come back and keep us updated!

I am so sorry OP, YANBU.
This is a familiar story.

YANBU at all. Congrats on your graduation and job . Your Mother sounds ghastly, you deserve much better in life. I would leave the group chat and just keep your distance, as difficult a pill as that is to swallow. She sounds toxic.

I don't understand where she thought you would live after graduating?! I really feel for you. Congratulations on your new job. Sending you hugs.

Op I'm so sorry that sounds shit. My own mother prioritised all and sundry before me and left to move north when I was just 18 and had just started college in London. She gave me a month and Left me with no money and nowhere to live and it was tough - thank god for friends.

I spent years and years feeling abandoned (stuff from early childhood and ongoing issues with her didn't help either) and it was only when I had my own kids that I plucked up the courage to tell her some home truths.

She didn't like it and it took years of me standing my ground and making it clear that her care was seriously lacking before she got it.

When you feel able, you should tell her. For your own benefit not necessarily because she'll 'get it' - she may never, but you need her to know how shit this has made you feel.

No this isn't normal.
I'm the first in my family to have kids and my mother certainly hasn't done this as my DC aren't replacing her kids they are just new additions to the family.
Try talking to your sister, she might not be aware that your DM is treating you like this.
As for the no birthday/Christmas gifts because she has DN now, that's ridiculous.
My DH's Grandad does this with his DGC in that once they have a child of their own the gift goes to the kids not the parent but I think that's fair.
What your DM is doing isn't ok.

Wow ..that’s harsh .i really feel for you.
I can’t belive you slept on sofas and she let that happen .
Try talking to your sister

Your DM is what I call a 're-mummy'. Someone who wants to relive their wonderful fluffy mummy memories through someone else's baby.

Your DSis will soon get sick of it (if she isn't already), and the baby won't be a cute biddable cuddly thing forever. Prepare for grandma to transfer her affections to Dbaby2...

She's gone baby mad. YANBU in the least!

Er no it's not normal to make your own daughter effectively homeless because you want a nursery for a baby that doesn't live there.

I do wonder if she wanted you to be a boy and now she's got the boy that you weren't.

Maybe your sister can have a word but honestly I think you're better off without someone who would behave this way towards their own child. You should be proud of your achievements and don't let her drag you down.

This is not normal and I really feel for you, you have every right to feel hurt and abandoned. Have you tried speaking with your mother?

Has your sister noticed this behaviour? Have you asked her about it? She may be feeling a bit swamped and be really fed up with your mum.

@Offyoupopdoll - so sorry to read your story as well - she sounds even worse than the OP's mother, and that's going some!

Congratulations on your own achievement through chemo and everything as well. Hope your mother doesn't expect any help from you or your immediate family when she gets old and sick!

Hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to leave all of your messages. I had a rough day yesterday and so this issue was really playing on my mind. I've just got in from work so I'll have a proper read through the thread now!

Okay, I've read the full thread and just wanted to say that some of your responses have made me tear up - you've all been so lovely and kind so a really big thank you.

I'll answer some of the questions - sorry if I've missed anything.

Firstly I haven't spoken directly to my mum about it. I am concerned about coming across as jealous or childish and I am worried about further jeopardising our relationship.

It was just me, my sister and my mum growing up. We weren't the closest but all of our needs were met. She definitely wasn't cold but maybe a little thoughtless at times. My mum and sister weren't much closer but they had a different type of relationship. I always was a bit more independent, had different interests and I wonder if that's part of why we've drifted.

My sister is older than me; she's in her mid-twenties. DSis and baby don't have any additional needs, but this was her first born she is new to this and has said she is enjoying all of the support and love for her and baby - which I understand. She does see that mum and I aren't as close, but doesn't link it to the arrival of the baby - she thinks it is because I moved away for Uni.

My mum has always loved babies. She wanted a larger family and I presume this is why she is acting like this. I'm not sure if she wanted a boy specifically, but she adores playing the mummy role. I don't want her to stop being a great grandma, I just want her to not let it overtake everything else. But I don't think she can see what she is doing, it just feels that baby is taking up 100% of her bandwidth and she can't bare to see anything else besides baby.

I'd also like to say a special thanks to those that have shared their stories, it's a relief to hear that although it's not normal other people have been through it and are happy on the other side if that makes sense.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad thank you for your well wishes and
Thing is I would look after her in her old age, that's just me I wouldnt give her any reason to point a finger at me. As much as I dislike my mother I cant help but love her she is still my mother. I do limit myself to how much I'm around her though.

@MooshWoosh hope you're feeling a little better today love x

I'm the youngest daughter and middle child, but I'm the one with dc.
Although I'm the one who runs errands, etc, I don't hear from my parents that much unless I contact them, whereas my older sister and my mum text each other every day.
I also went to uni, my sister did not.

When I've asked about it, my mum just says I'm more independent and I don't need her as I've got my family, whereas my sister 'only' has a long term partner but no dc.

Not sure it gets better, but is it something you would be able to discuss with your sister?

I feel for you @MooshWoosh I was in a very very similar position to you around 10 years ago, and I know no longer speak to my 'D'M. She cancelled countless Pre-arranged plans with me "in case the GC needed her" so for example, cancelled cinema plans the day before just in case the GC might be feeling unwell the next day and would need her (the GC were perfectly healthy). I could give you loads of similar examples.

I tried speaking to her about it but it only got worse, not better. It came to a head at one point when I could no longer take it and brought it up again, and we had a huge argument and no longer have any contact. Sorry I don't have a positive story to share, my story is more worst case scenario.

The thing I wish I did differently is that I wish I didn't raise the issue and try to discuss it. I wish I didn't let her know that I found it hurtful and upsetting. I wish that I just chose to distance myself and go low contact, rather than try to address it with her. I think making her aware of it meant it just got worse rather than better as she then done it on purpose as some sort of power trip. Perhaps if I had ignored and gone low contact I would still have a mum, a shit one, but it would possibly have been slightly better than none at all.

I'm low contact with my dad (He has extreme issues and wants to live in denial) and agree with pp that it is an easier situation to deal with then big argument and no contact.

Only you know your full situation and options though.

What do you think would be the best way to move forward

YANBU at all.
When my nephew was born it completely changed family dynamics. To be fair it’s not as extreme like yours but my Mum became completely focused on my nephew mentally, And tbh she still is, 3 decades later.
I think you need to be more demanding in a good way. If you need help from your mum you should phone her and ask for help, politely and directly. She might refuse, but it will be on her conscience. I didn’t ask and it became a norm. It’s not good. Remove herself from group chat or whatever it is, deal with your sister separately and with your mum separately. Be genuine in your asking, don’t make a point.
Could you also do this in front of other family members so they could support you? Some parents won’t listen their DC’s opinions but will listen other relatives. Someone should tell your mum that her behaviour is wrong and it would be better if it’s not you and not only you.
I think you need to make clear to your DSis as well that you’re unhappy about the situation but don’t expect much support from her. I’m sure she’s nice ( mine is also nice and we are very close despite of age gap) but it suits her much better to have support. So if your mum refuses to come to you because your sister might need her, you should call you sister and ask is there any problems, does she really need mum to be on stand by. Give them chance to explain, in case you are missing something ( I’m sure you are not! ) and when your sister will tell you that everything is fine and she doesn’t need your mum, tell her: “Great, can you call Mum and tell her she could come?” Don’t give them impression that you are ok with the dynamics. Challenge it gently and patiently.
If she talks about your DSis and nephew too much, tell her something like “yes, I know, DSis told me about this” and then raise the issue you want to discuss.

In a nicest possible way I don’t think you will ever get a great and supportive mum. Dealing fairly and lovingly with all children and grandchildren require wisdom. Some mums do have it, unfortunately some don’t. It’s a reality. Remember never behave like this towards your children and they will appreciate this.