Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

YADNBU. Or Selfish or anything other than completely justified in feeling the way you do.

I feel so sorry for you, being pushed out the way you are being. I am incredulous that your mother made you homeless for a baby that is there only once a week, and missed your graduation on a maybe.
This is really shoddy behaviour.
The only thing I can think to do is to speak to your sister about it depending on whether or not she was aware of how you were struggling. The reason I ask that is that if she was aware, and she just let it play out - she is kind of as bad as your mother.
I think from the tone of your post , you may have kept your difficulties to yourself ( I hope, in a way that you did - because then it means at least you have one family member who isn't an arse aside from DN).

Show your silly mother this thread too. I'd call her names using stronger terms, but you clearly love her so I don't want to upset you.

Fuuucck, I was all ready to say "yes, you probably are being a bit unreasonable" but NO, you are NOT!

Your mum has basically abandoned you in favour of her grandchild, which is so rude! Not coming to your graduation? Fucksake! Changing your bedroom without even telling you? Way to throw you out of home!

No, YANBU. I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't normally advise this but I actually think you should show her this thread!

She obviously has no idea of the impact her behaviour is having on the rest of her family.

Is your sister just as bad, does she enjoy the attention she and her baby gets?

Talk to your sister, perhaps she will agree and talk to your mum with you.

My DM is doing exactly this to my brother in favor of my son. She even pre warned my brother that if anything happened with her grandson on the day of my brother's wedding she'd have to leave (baby had a slight cold..). When she meets up with my brother all she does is talk about my son.

It drives me up the wall and I constantly point it out to her (like when she tells DS he's the only boy in the world she loves..errmmm what about your own son?) but we know she means no harm and in my brother's case, he isn't the least bit bothered.

I'd definitely have my sibling's back and tackle my DM's crap behavior together. Hopefully your sister has your's.

You are not being unreasonable and I am very sorry for the hurt.

In your shoes, I would build my own life with work, friends, and a relationship. I would not call my mother or make any effort to keep in contact beyond a quick call on her birthday. I’d just build a life adjusting to the new reality.

I’m so sorry OP.

Well, I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you! And well done for getting a job! YANBU. You need a hug.

I honestly thought I'd think you were being unreasonable, but you honestly aren't. It's really awful behaviour from your mum.

If DSis is also on the group chat, I'm surprised she didn't step in and say she should go to your graduation. It must be apparent to her, what's going on.

Well done you for graduating and getting your job. 🎊🎉🎊

If I were you, I'd tell them both exactly how you feel. I'd put up this post and show them that a whole host of people (who usually think most posters are being unreasonable) are on your side. I think she's lost the plot.

This doesn't come across as whiney and it would hurt any one of us, being in your situation.

Please come back and keep us informed. We're on your side, you can vent, ask for advice here.

Good luck to you x

Huge congratulations on your job and graduation.

The last line of your post is the one.

Tell your Mum you miss her.

YANBU. I'm not surprised you are upset at all. Congratulations on the graduation and the job

Your post is heart wrenching. Sweetheart. You’re worth more. Congratulations on graduating, find and job and getting over life’s adversities. Big big hugs.

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said YADNU

Hope waking up to this thread today makes the day start with a smile, and many congratulations on achieving your degree and job. I would leave the group chat and let your dsis know why.

I agree, you’re not BU and this sounds over harsh.
My nephew is now 18 months old.Sure, our family whatsapp thread is dominated by photos of him (at his current age, it’s generally funny photos that he will one day kill us all for)
He has changed our lives but no one has been pushed out. I had already moved out, but still had my room at family home. I was asked to trade as mine had more room for a travel cot when they stayed. That’s no issue for me, I don’t stay over often anyway as it’s 2 miles away! My parents have considered turning a room into a child’s room but have said they will consult as otherwise someone may end up on the couch at Christmas. So likely won’t.
And on the note of Christmas, no grown up was neglected on the day. Of course they say has now done a full swing and plenty is done for my nephew but it was gifts galore for all adult children too. I think your mum is overall being very harsh but I think she will be blind to it. A new family member doesn’t delete the current. What will happen if another baby comes along? And will she be so smitten when your nephews no longer a baby?

I would approach your sister carefully. There’s a chance that she’s noticed or that your mum is overbearing to her.

I'm so sorry. Your mum sounds absolutely awful.

I think exiting the group chat is a good idea. Have a relationship with your sister and nephew on your own terms.

YANBU! Your mum sounds obsessive about the baby. Could you talk to your sister she might be feeling that your mum is being OTT also and you could talk to her together ( sorry if already suggested haven't read the whole thread yet)

Is DGC the baby boy DM always hoped for?
My DM actually said she preferred little boys.

My DM was mad about her second male GC, constant tales of his wonderful achievements which would have been fine if she wasn't paying much less attention to her female GCs.

I don't think you can do much about it.
Only thing is DGC will grow quickly and probably figure a bit less in her life over the years.

YADNBU From experience I sadly dont think speaking to your DM about it will do anything other than cause her to think you are jealous of DN which will raise her hackles. As pp your Dsis must have known she cancelled your grad and has got rid of your room and not said anything?!

YANBU. This sounds like the way my mum is since my DD Asa’s norm. My siblings are ignored.

You can try talk to her op but I don’t think she’ll change. I don’t think she’s going to be the mum you need her to be

Wow. The graduation thing. Just. Wow. That is baaaad. I would be putting a tonne of distance in right now not that your Mum is likely to notice.

Reading that she bailed on your graduation broke my heart.

YANBU.

*since my DDs been born 🤦‍♀️

Well done OP though!

It sounds petty but I don’t think I’d come running next time your ‘D’ mum needs help. Hopefully she’ll be a doting grandparent should you have kids but looking at threads on here, some grandparents have favourites

That's so sad OP. Your Mum is being completely unreasonable.

Yanbu. I'm just wondering if she was self absorbed before (perhaps less so) and you never noticed.

Doesn't your sister say anything? Find it stifling? Does she respond to your watsapps? I'm hoping she gas your back but i am wondering about a golden child/scapegoat dynamic always being between you too, pre nephew.

I would 100% leave or at least mute the group chat. I hooe you don't give your mum cards or gifts. If you do- stop

Your mum sounds vile. Very nasty.

have you talked to ds about this, such as why dm excused herself from your graduation? how does ds feel about dm behaviour and her 2nd nursery etc? your dm seems to have some obsession/ fixation on the baby!! how does dsis behave around your mum? does she seem to lap up this bahaviour/ encourage it? or is she pissed off herself? is dm overbearing generally???

yanbu!