Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

194 replies

MooshWoosh · 08/07/2019 22:46

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

OP posts:

notoafternoontea · 09/07/2019 09:07

Sod the graduation. She let you sofa surf? So she could have a nursery that is barely used?? That's horrific.

I'm so sorry OP. Can you talk to your sister and maybe try and manage this together? Did your sister know she was missing your graduation?

LakieLady · 09/07/2019 09:11

YADNBU. Your mother sounds a bit batshit, frankly.

I totally get how hurtful this is.

noonarna · 09/07/2019 09:13

OP, I wonder if you could bring it up with both of them? They are both in the wrong here. If I were your sister I'd be looking out for you and not allowing my mum to keep choosing my child over you.
If it's too difficult, what about writing out a message similar to your OP and sending it to both of them in a whatsapp group with just you 3?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 09/07/2019 09:17

YANBU

you sound lovely, and it's great that you don't let your relationship with your sister and nephew go sour.

I don't know what is going on in your mums' head. I think, as sad as it is, you need to accept it and no longer relay on her at all. You might have your own children one day, don't let her behaviour affect you then either.

fernandoanddenise · 09/07/2019 09:21

Yanbu at all. The graduation thing is so hurtful. Wtf is she thinking?

Do you feel strong enough to say, “I know you are distracted by DGS so it’s understandable but I have been very hurt that you didn’t come to my graduation. It meant a lot to me and I wanted to share it with you”
Call her out. She sounds unhinged!

WomanLikeMeLM · 09/07/2019 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

momofpickle · 09/07/2019 09:33

Some grandmas go baby crazy when the first grandchild is born but that's OTT. Agree with what others have said about - her behaviour will eventually cause problems with your sister too when she has enough of it! My MIL went a bit overboard setting up her house for my son with his own room etc. unrequested... it's too much xx

EleanorReally · 09/07/2019 09:33

no, i am not sure if going via the sister is the best way, go direct to your mum, tell her you are hurt about the graduation and miss her

MaMaMaMySharona · 09/07/2019 09:33

@WomanLikeMeLM have you even read her post? She's quite clearly not jealous of a baby.

ScrambledToe · 09/07/2019 09:34

You grow up @WomanLikeMeLM an RTFT

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 09/07/2019 09:34

WomanLikeMeLM
that was helpful
Maybe read the actual OP and the thread before posting?

momofpickle · 09/07/2019 09:34

Not having a place for your own child to stay so your grandchild can occasionally stay over is out of order

MrsDrSpencerReid · 09/07/2019 09:41

YANBU

Missing your graduation is unforgivable, how awful. And letting you sleep on friends sofa’s?? Why couldn’t she turn your DS’s old room into a nursery? Or even do up your room with a single bed & cot in it? A travel cot?

With the Christmas/Birthday gifts, if anything my parents spend more on gifts for my DB since I’ve had DC, to make it fair!

I hope your sister has said something to her about all this, I’d be mortified if my brother was being treated this way

Alsohuman · 09/07/2019 09:43

@WomanLikeMeLM, that was really fucking helpful. And pointless. And frankly ridiculous.

raspberryk · 09/07/2019 09:43

What on earth did she think could go wrong with an almost 1 year old that your sister wasn't capable of sorting herself while she took 1 day away to see your graduation. That's ridiculous, I think I'd have called her out on that one, sounds like she's babying your sister and things she can't parent by herself or something and it must also be driving you sister mad.
I'm in 2 minds about the bedroom thing, but I think it depends how many other bedrooms there are, ages of people etc. I moved out at 18 and never stayed more than a few nights since at my parents so the idea of a childhood bedroom being left for you is alien to me but I can see why you'd be upset.
The presents though, just don't buy her anything, no mothers day, birthday or Christmas and say you don't buy for adults now you have a nephew. See what she says about that.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/07/2019 09:43

Sending you a big hug, OP. Your feelings are valid. Don't listen to anyone around here who tells you they're not. Your last line was heartbreaking, and I really feel for you.

I wish I had some useful advice to give, but my attitude these days when people behave like this is very much to let them get on with it. There's not much else you can do. But I wouldn't mind betting that if she's this obsessed with DGC she's making a real nuisance of herself with your Dsis, who, if she isn't tired of it yet, will be sooner or later.

Your university graduation should be one of the happiest times of your life: a time to look forward to the life and career you've earned for the past three years. Her behaviour was nothing short of cruel. I hope you are able to move forward and forge a positive life for yourself, no matter what she decides to do in the future. When she realises she's as good as lost a DD, she might come around and understand where she went wrong. Or she might not. Either way, she doesn't deserve to have you as a daughter.

Best wishes for your future happiness, OP.

CurbsideProphet · 09/07/2019 09:46

Your mum left you homeless so she could play at being mummy to a baby again

I hope you have lots of lovely friends and are able to move forward

mogtheexcellent · 09/07/2019 09:47

what does your sister think? Have you tried talking to her?

Your mum sounds awful. My mum was distant with me for years as I moved away and she had my younger brother and older sister nearby. My older sister has two SEN boys and they took up a lot of my mums energy and time. I didnt speak to them for 2 months at uni as I wanted to test how long it would take for my mum to call me as I always called home. After 2 months I gave up and called and my mums response was 'I thought you had forgotten the number '

relationship tonnes better since I settled and got married.

Well done for graduating and getting a job. Both are massive achievements!

Howlovely · 09/07/2019 09:52

@WomanLikeMe You're a nasty piece of work. Do you completely lack empathy as well as basic understanding of what words mean? Your = belonging to you. You're = contraction of you are.

Dutch1e · 09/07/2019 09:55

Is your sister just as bad, does she enjoy the attention she and her baby gets?

I was wondering this too. I can understand why Dsis wasn't at your graduation (7 hrs round trip with a small baby) but she is also only giving one-sentence replies, and not opening her home to you after graduation so you had to sofa surf?

The family dynamic feels very off

Butchyrestingface · 09/07/2019 09:56

Fuck’s sake, no. Def not unreasonable. Do you have any brothers, OP? If not, do you think your mother secretly yearned for a son and she’s trying to relive this through her grandson in some way?

GrabbyGertie · 09/07/2019 09:58

YANBU

I'd speak to her about it. She sounds stupid and nasty.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/07/2019 10:03

What does you're sister and dad think about the situation op?

amy56542589 · 09/07/2019 10:10

I see OP's mum has found the thread

Op YANBU. Your mum is behaving horribly. I'd take a massive step back from her. If she contacts you or needs something from you in future, just send her a link to the thread.

dottiedodah · 09/07/2019 10:16

I assume Your Dad is no longer in the picture?.Sometimes women can go a bit mad over "their GC", as it almost feels like a second chance to be looking after a baby.I think you have every right to feel hurt TBH. Doing your old room up as a nursery, seems to be making this all about trying to almost feel like she has a chance to be like a second mum instead of GP!.Did she have trouble conceiving you and DS I wonder ,or maybe she would have liked more children ?.Either way its not healthy for anyone .Sometimes parents assume children who have been at Uni are all "grown up" and dont need to come back home (not true obviously).Also do you think she may have liked to go to Uni, but didnt get the chance .Maybe a little envious ?.I think the fact she didnt show up may have got something to do with this .Can you chat to her over a coffee and say how you have been feeling?.She may not realise ,I think if you go online /phone its not as easy to say how you feel to her and could make the situation worse.Well done on your degree and job xx

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8