Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

Congratulations on your graduation and your job.
Your Mum's behaviour is abominable.
Yes, I get the utter love and overwhelming feelings that go with becoming a Grandmother, but your capacity to love grows, you don't replace a child with your Grandchild, anymore than you replace your love for your dh when you have a child. Love is infinite.
YADNBU

I would come off the group chat and continue the Normal relationship with your sister. I’d also say something to your dm, doesn’t need to be guns blazing row just how you are feeling and her reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Hopefully she’ll apologise and make more of an effort but I suspect she’s more likely to go off on one.

She is awful. So sorry OP.

Congratulations on graduating and on your job - and also having built friendships where you can rely on them when your mum lets you down.

Whatever about the graduation (bad), I can't believe she gave away your room to a baby who lives a few streets away. That is cruel.

My parents were just thrilled when my older sister had her baby. So was I. they minded him and loved him etc. But they didn't stop being a parent to me (I was in my mid-20s) and didn't stop helping me and relating to me and caring about me.

I would talk to your sister about it.

Sorry this must feel really crap and I think you are definitely well within your rights to be very upset. Here's what I would do...

1. Call your sister and be honest with her and explain how you feel just like you have here
2. Call your mum & do the same
3. Leave the group chat and set up a separate one between you and your sister and you and your mum - it's then up to them how they respond/handle it but you will know you've done what you can.

OP, I am so sorry. That's shitty beyond belief. You're at the launch stage of life, which is both exciting and scary, and very vulnerable, and you absolutely should have support from your mum. Her job isn't done yet, and she's clearly abdicated over it. It's not normal, it's not to be expected, and I'm actually angry on your behalf. This is not what a mum is meant to do at all. Your child is your child all their life, as far as I'm concerned. Baby fever is a thing but it's not meant to exclude all other relationships!

You sound close to your sister - have you talked to her about this? She may feel swamped by your mother's obsessive interest in her baby, quite honestly. A lot of women would; many post on here about it.

I also wonder if it may be the menopause. Some women get a second adolescence - my own Mum was insane for a handful of years. It made her act in obsessive, selfish and frankly very trying ways. She calmed down when she went on HRT, thankfully.

I'm so sorry. I wish you were mine, so I could give you a big hug and say WELL DONE on the amazing achievements of the past year.

Honestly, you sound lovely. Really unselfish, and sad, and not at all blaming either your sister or your nephew (which would be really unfair, but also human). Quite frankly I want to adopt you! Fancy Christmas at ours? I love the idea of an extra child to spoil. Whatever their age!

YANBU.... the graduation thing alone is so horribly sad unless there is some massive back story involving baby being hospitalised or something.
I can't imagine what she is thinking...

Oh my! I was sure from your title that you'd be being U but YADNBU!!!!

This sounds awful. Is your DM very Stepford-ish and thinks that having a baby is a bigger accomplishment than graduating Uni?

Agree your DSis needs to say something.

My mum and dad were a little like this in terms of being utterly obsessed with my sisters’ children, who were born when I was in my late teens/early 20s.
I remember wanting to scream as their sole topic of conversation was the grandkids, and there was endless renditions of dniece said this and dnephew did that. I think for my dad in particular, he’d missed a lot of our childhoods due to work and really relished spending time with them.
But to be fair they still bought me presents and didn’t take my bedroom, so they weren’t anywhere near as bad as your DM.
I agree with pps you should tell her you feel sad about not being so close without mentioning the baby.
Your sister may also feel she’s less important in your DM’s eyes than her baby is, so might be worth talking to her.

Show them this thread! I’m so sorry x

YANBU at all. When my eldest sister had her first child DN was the first on both sides of the family & we all adored her. My late DM was as besotted as the rest of us but not to the detriment of her relationship with all the rest of us. Fast forward a few years & when my DS was born - premature, emergency C-section both of us close to death - the sun rose & set on him as far as she was concerned. She tried not to show any favouritism but it radiated out of her, and did for the rest of her life. My sister considered her nose out of joint & became very nasty & vindictive, to my child, our mother & to me. I suppose what I'm saying is that these are shifting sands, your DM's current "obsession" will wane in time but she's still wrong to not remember that she's still a mother to you.

So so sorry. FWIW my parents pretty much ignored me when my nephew was born. I ended up in tears about it a couple of times and my DH said similar happened with him when his niece was born. Wasn't to the extent you've outlined though.

My DM realised after a while and calmed down a bit, might be worth having a chat with your sister? She might be feeling a bit overwhelmed by it too...

That's really not nice I get the cutting adults when kids come along but it's usually the parents of child not the aunty I give my son with kids less because I have grandaughters to buy for but I still buy him ihe is still my child .I mean you have no kids but still get nothing that's a shame and the graduation that really was not nice.i get how you feel replaced I mean I adore my grandaughters but I gave birth to there dad I could not love anyone more than him

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry but non of that is okay & YADNBU. I feel so sad for you, what a dreadful way for your DM to treat you, you don't deserve that at all, nobody does 💐💐

I'm so, so sorry you've been treated this way.
It totally sucks.

Whilst I don't think for a second that you are BU, I also think your mum isn't BU. It happened to me, but I was the mother of the grandchild.

For my Mum (and Dad, he admitted later) the sucker-punch of love upon seeing their grandchild for the first time was like seeing their newborn child but better - all the love with none of the fear. THey didn't expect it, they were caught unawares but it was so powerful.
My parents utterly ignored me (actual firstborn child and producer of the godlike grandchild) and my brother and everything in face of their wonderful grandchild. I remember leaving their house and saying "Bye Mum" ... she said " Goodbye my darling" to my son in my arms and blanked my entirely.

I ceased to exist for a bit.

I can totally appreciate how much it hurts and how much you (reasonably) resent it all. But for some grandparents, the bond is unexpected and profound and they react viscerally.
It normalises. It settles down.
But it's still shitty it played put that way for you.

I am so sad for you, the situation is dreadful and very hurtful.

Congratulations on your graduation and well done for getting a job.

YANBU OP, this must be rubbish. Could you have a word with Dsis or your DM and just lay everything on the table?.

Congratulations on graduating and your new job!!

Firstly congratulations on your graduation and your job
YANBU not one tiny bit, I think anyone would feel similar given the examples you’ve listed.
Your mum sounds like she’s lost the plot a bit, has she form for this type of behaviour?
If you can speak to her about how you are feeling please do so she may be completely oblivious to how one tracked she’s being and it’s effect on you (my mum has form for this sort of behaviour, she can be a dick sometimes)
If you can’t talk to your mum is there someone else who you could trust to spell it out to her?
Wishing you a happy outcome xxx

Whilst I don't think for a second that you are BU, I also think your mum isn't BU. It happened to me, but I was the mother of the grandchild.

No. The situation isn''t comparable. You weren't forced to spend your graduation with friend's family or sofa surf because your mum gave away your room. You just endured your child being feted and prioritised - not to your utter detriment.

yes her mum is being unreasonable. yes she is. you don't not go to your daughter's graduation or take away her room at your home because of a grandchild. It is not reasonable - or kind- or loving- or being a mother to do this.

Of course OP can't tell her mother how she feels her mother has shown everyone where her priorities lie! I'd write her an email or a letter and then cease all contact. She's rejected you from her entire life. Fuck that you'd get better treatment off a total stranger on the street

YANBU your mother is batshit!

If you have any brothers she'd have the DIL terrified that she's trying to take over.

Talk to your sister. Is she a very young mum? Who needs support?

YANBU at all. Your mum sounds deranged, almost as if she has had a baby not a grandchild. I think her OTT behaviour might well cause problems with your sister eventually.

YADNBU. Your mum is acting crazy and will end up cutting herself off from you. How awful that she would prioritise a nursery for her grandson when you were sofa surfing. Did she know?

Completely, agree with buttertoasty

"Your sister will get sick of her being so over involved and high maintenance wrt baby

If you feel like you can talk to her about it then do so. If not then I think you will have to lower your expectations."

Agree with pps that your sister might be able to intervene. It's very cruel of your mum. Awful to cancel going to your graduation, and changing your room into a nursery.

Get your mum to babysit and take your sister out for a meal so you can have a real heart to heart, and explain how upset your mum's behaviour is making you.

Your post really brought the momma bear side of me out... I am so sorry you've been treated this way.. As a mum of three all at different stages in life I work hard to ensure everyone has a piece of me.. Wish I could give you a piece too as you sound fantastic. You've made it through uni, found a job and considering you must still be quite young I'd say you still need that support. Sofa surfing so a baby can sleep in your room once a week is appalling. YANBU not at all... Keep doing what you're doing as clearly you are going places.. Speak to your sister if you think it will help but honestly you sound fab. What a shame she loses out xxxx

YANBU

Not coming to your graduation is unforgivable. She sounds dreadful. You're not being childish or jealous and you clearly love your sister and nephew very much.

Your mother sounds toxic.