Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

@AnneLovesGilbert that makes more sense but do the - half siblings I assume - not feel a bit pushed out?

You poor thing

She missed your graduation. That's all you had to say as far as I'm concerned. Sorry that is unforgiveable and YADNBU

Hi OP I’d remove yourself from the group what’s app and just connect with your sister directly. I would reduce contact with your mum. I know it’s painful and hurtful.
I’m not sure she that’s great. Look at the Stately Homes thread too.
I also wouldn’t buy her anything for Xmas and birthdays. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
I bet your sister is fed up of her. Your mother is OTT.
I hope you got lots of friends who can support you.
I would go low contact.🌺

YANBU and I feel sad on your behalf.

Op yanbu. Oh my god this sounds horrific. I'd distance myself as much as possible from your mother, but try and still maintain a relationship with the rest of your family if possible.

My mum is like this with my DN and I just stopped seeing her or talking to her. When she asked me what was wrong I pointed out how obsessed she had become with him and how it was making other people feel. She got really upset and has been making a lot more effort. It was so bad that she didn’t even talk to her other 3 DCG (one also very young) because she was so obsessed by DN and it was just weird and horrible for them too. I think you need to say something and I can’t imagine no one else has noticed. This started making my Dsis feel really uncomfortable because any obsession like this can be quite obvious - diving towards him over and over, trying to coerce him into doing things just for her (kissing, cuddling) and staring at him/going on and on about him (and no other DC). She actually would zone out of you talking if he was in the room

This is one of those posts that I’ll remember because it’s truly sad and your hurt is so clear.
YANBU Op.
Just as an aside, did your Mum perhaps lose a baby at some point after you and your sister? It’s like she is trying to replace something.
Well done on the graduation and job btw 💐💐

Yanbu- but hasn’t your sister said anything to her about your graduation or you having to sleep on friends sofas? I’d be looking at your sisters behaviour as well.

That's pretty bad ... missing your DD's graduation? Allowing your dd to be homeless? Does your sister realise her obsession because that's what it is

Op it's awful. I don't know what to suggest.
I'd mention to your sister if she knows of anything or has noticed anything... If I was your sister I would be the diplomatic here trying to understand what's going on for you. She has that power.

That’s sad, OP .
What was your relationship with her like before the baby was born?

My parents hurt my feelings in a similar ( but less extreme) way and I wrote them a letter explaining how I felt. They were apologetic and it really helped. Try this?

OP - I'm guessing if you've recently graduated you must be early 20s? I'm very sorry you're being treated like this - baby or no baby, the fact you were effectively made homeless for no good reason (a once a week stay?!?) at a young age, and the fact your graduation was casually dismissed is unforgivable. Even if the baby's very exciting and provoking all sorts of latent maternal feelings (irony, much) in your mother I just can't get my head round her being so unkind.

I'm probably 30 years older than you and have always had a difficult and distant relationship with my own mum which distresses me to this day. However, despite a long list of hurt, I really don't think I'd have been left to sleep on people's sofas as you were. You must feel pretty gobsmacked - it's one thing to become independent, but another to be left in the lurch unnecessarily, whatever your age. Bottom line, if someone you care about is in need, you help them out if you possibly can - and she chose not to do so.

As others have wondered, I too can't help think how your relationship was before the baby arrived. It seems such a huge switch if everything seemed normal and supportive beforehand. Has she a history of being blunt/insensitive/thoughtless/selfish?? I think I really would have to make my feelings known, though I know far too well how scary that can be - worrying about the answers you might get or being made to feel even more rejected. Perhaps writing it all down might be easier so you can compose something factual and rational, whereas a face to face talk might become too emotive (not surprisingly) meaning you don't say all you need to. From personal experience, I really wish I'd 'confronted' my mum years ago - the longer you leave hurtful stuff like this, the harder it becomes to raise it.

You're definitely not being unreasonable though! Love isn't confined to a box … it grows and flows, it should be able to embrace new family members without discarding the 'old'. I feel very angry on your behalf because your mum seems to have made a conscious decision to 'swap' you for your nephew which is plain crazy and ridiculous! There should be room in her life for both of you - particularly since neither of you require her full time attention. The baby has his parents and you're starting to make your own way in the world. The natural conclusion to jump to might be to feel the baby is some sort of excuse to sideline you, which must feel horribly painful but you need to find out first hand what's going on or you'll drive yourself mad. So sorry.

that is very sad.
dont remove yourself and stop buying presents.
tit for tat doesnt make it right.
she is smitten.
this is sad for you and you have every right to be upset.

Unless your nephew has additional needs or your sister needs additional support, for example, has PND he is very very wrong. I'd have a word with your sister and very gently let her know how you feel. Did she know this is why your Mum didn't go to your graduation or let you move back home? If this had happened to my sister I'd have told my Mum to pack it in.

Yanbu. I feel so sad for you. I am well into my thirties and I still need my mum. It sounds like she is so smitten with the baby it’s all she can think about but it’s so thoughtless. How could she have missed your graduation?

My husband has had a similar experience from his mum except the baby is ours. She has no interest in him, never asks about him and only sees him as a way to access our children. He is hurt by it too.

YADNBU, I think it's really off that she missed your graduation, that's such a key thing for your family to be there to celebrate with you. I'm glad things seem to be looking up for you but sorry that you weren't able to rely on your mums support during a difficult time

Oh, that is one of the saddest posts I've read on MN and YADDDDNBU. As PP have suggested, I would try broaching it with your sister first and then your DM. If either dismisses your concerns, show them this thread! But in the meantime I would definitely mute that chat to give yourself a break from the hurt.

YANBU

Having recently become a mum, i know how excited grandparents can be. Which is fine... but.. if my mum was treating any of my siblings like this i would be absolutely fuming. Had you spoken to your sister about it? She might find your mum over bearing and it might help her to know how your mums actions have affected you. I would want my sister to tell me if this had happened to her and would then speak to my mum. YANBU (havent read qhole thread so sorry if this has already been said)

Another one saying YANBU in the least !
Your mum sounds awful and to be honest if I was your sister I would have massive issues with her constant involvement in my child's life. Way over the top.
So sorry you are having to put up with this crap.

@minai same here.

They never had much interest in him anyway and now he gets messages ' we miss the grand kids' never him! Be nice to see him etc.. Some People are totally emotionally inept and horrid.

Eleanor, saying 2 wrongs don't make a right is not relevant here.

It's about more, it's about ops mental and emotional health. No one has to endure being around people who put that at risk.

I often joke to my sister that I don’t matter now in our family because I haven’t produced grandchildren - at least she still is in the pecking order on account of being the grandkids mother.

Parents used to visit me abroad 3-4 times a year pre-grandkids. They last visited 18 months ago and no planned visits. Because they have to run the kids to swimming on a Thursday and Tuesday. They’re still early 60s and in good health so no other reason.

I make light of it, but it does hurt. I know people will say it’s also because I moved away, and of course the dynamic changes when there’s grandkids. DH has been seriously ill this last year and phone calls inevitably go ‘how’s DH? (I tell them the update). DN did this and DN2 did that and then this happened and we’re going here with DN1&2.’ Nothing about me. Yes I’m
Selfish in that. But I’d like to be considered sometimes.

Oh bless you ...sounds as if your Mum needs a reality check !! Am sure she has probably just gone into overdrive with her first grandchild...maybe your sister could have a quiet word with her !!

YANBU. Your mother has treated you appallingly.