Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

I could stop thinking about this thread & hope you are okay. I wanted to add more.

I didn't have the best relationship with my own mum, classic stately homes & DB was the golden child etc, so I was always very much sidelined.

I left home at 21, moved to London with a group of friends. DM couldn't wait to pack my room up & redecorate & move my DB in. They literally did it the day I left & stuffed my belongings into the garage. That hurt like hell, especially when the place I moved to turned out to be awful & I needed to come home to regather myself & start again, coming back to a different bedroom & every sign of me scraped from my old room like I didn't matter & they couldn't wait to get rid of me. It fucking hurt like hell, but I justified it in my head as been okay because I was 21 & leaving home. I justified a hell of a lot back then because I didn't know what normal parenting was.

They never left me homeless though, I just lost my own room & was left feeling pressurised to move out again quickly

The very fact that you are having to ask if this situation is okay, says a lot about your usual place in the family dynamics.

It's not okay & love bomb for a first GC or not, there is no way in hell is your parents behaviour is acceptable, it's absolutely awful.

Is your DSis the golden child? If not then maybe you can try & talk to her as this situation is going to suffocate her too, but I suspect that's not really an option either as she'll be so entrenched in the usual dynamics that she won't see the wood for the trees. My golden child DB took until his 50s & the passing of our DM to finally see how messed up the situation had been & it did harm him too

Congratulations on your degree, congratulations on your amazing strength at such a young age. Go live your best life & fuck the lot of them

I am struggling to understand what on earth is going through her mind or motivating her to make her act in such a way.
Do you think she possibly sees you as the coper, who has got a degree and is generally able to look after herself well.
Whilst she has somehow formed the opinion that your sister is weaker and still needs her?
So she is one if those "need to be needed" types?
Whatever, there is absolutely no excuse for how she has treated you and I would confront her directly.
My own mum didn't come to my graduation either, she said it was because she didn't believe in education for girls and she was appalled when I moved away to uni. "The neighbours will think you hate us, moving all that way away".
When I came home she had let one of my cousins from overseas have my bedroom so I had to sleep downstairs.
We get on better now, and speak daily for a few mins on the phone but she has always been closer to my DSis who stayed by her side all her life. In fact they live together, which I would hate.
It hurt awfully at the time but now with hindsight it taught me never to be like her, and in some ways she was right, I do cope with life better than my sister, I have a good career, a lovely husband and 3 fantastic DC.

Yeah, confront her!! Then get on with focussing on building that brilliant life ahead of you OP!!

YANBU.

Speak to your sister - it sounds as if she is nice and will probably understand what you are saying. You need someone else to pull your Mum up on her behaviour.

I know it hurts. The night before our wedding we had a family meal. I'd not seen my parents for 6 months (different countries). My DM spent the entire evening completely ignoring me and DH and focusing on DN, despite the fact that she saw him several times a week. My Dad and DSis and her DH were mortified but DM didn't care. It set the tone for the rest of our relationship TBH. I'm not bothered by it anymore but at the time it really hurt; that she couldn't spare one evening for me to talk.

Congratulations on everything you've achieved, think it's safe to say everyone on here is proud of you and agree you are nbu at all. If you don't feel you can talk to her about it how about sending her a letter or email telling her how her behaviour has made you feel, especially missing one of the biggest days in your life. Say your going to withdraw for a bit so you can prioritise yourself and what's happening in your life and see how she reacts. If she says your overreacting or being silly, I'd just stay away or maybe it will be a wake up call and she hasn't realised what she's doing

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but wanted to reply before I start work.
I have two DC andI am a first time GM, dgc is similar in age to your dn, so I completely understand how all-consuming the feeling is from your mum's pov. However, I don't understand how that could be so consuming as to effectively push out my other DC. There was never any question that my other DC should live anywhere other than here until he chooses to leave, when the time is right for him. It's his home! And blowing off your graduation? Your mum should be ashamed of herself. I cannot imagine anything other than a true life or death situation that would ha e made me miss my child's graduation - certainly not the mere possibility that I might get to see my dgs. I li e my dgs deeply, more than I could have ever imagined, but I also love my DCs and cannot imagine acting as your mum has. No Christmas or birthday gifts? No way. However hard up I am, my DCs will always get something from me on those occasions. Your mum should be ashamed of himself. for you.

Oh OP, YANBU. You must feel so abandoned.

I Can't believe she wasn't at your graduation. That's unforgivable. can't believe you had no room/home to go to after uni.

It's not comparable but Ive always been envious of my sister. My mum and dad both went to many open days with her for uni. When my turn came, I had to go on my own on the coach.
When my sis graduated she had my mum, dad, grandmother and her boyfriend go (she had 4 tickets and chose her boyfriend over me to go 🙁). Mum and Dad framed all the photos as being "photos of the family". When I graduated I invited her but she didn't come. My grandmother had died. However I did have my mum and dad.
Even that still stings a bit for me so you must feel 100 x worse.

This is shitty behaviour from your mum. It's probable she's so caught up in the baby that she's not thought how it's been for you. She might be horrified if you talked to her and listed it all like you have here. Do you think you could talk?

My best friend (male) has become a very hands-on Uncle late in life and he does a huge amount of childcare. Literally everything he talks off/does/mentions is to do with his nephew. I keep waiting for the novelty to wear off but it's been nearly 2 years

Op, I can't believe she was a normal, loving mother before all this? It sounds weird. Was she emotionally cold before?

To be generous maybe she believes she's done her job with you getting you through uni, and doesn't understand you still need her emotionally.

I think it would be worth getting a bit upset about it all in her presence. I echo pp's advice to not link it to the baby. Just say you miss her. Perhaps you can't do this? Has she bought you up to hide your emotions too? People can seem to be able to express themselves to babies whereas they seem to see this as a weakness in adults.

That's all pretty awful, isn't it?

I can see how your mum & sister might have become a lot closer with you living away & her being pregnant & nearby.

It's also possible that your sister didn't know about the nursery until after it was done.

But you do also wonder if she might be feeding your mum's frenzy at all iyswim.

This has brought tears to my eyes, DH and I have five children between us aged 16 up to 28, no grandchildren but I cannot imagine ANYTHING that would lead us to treat any of our children the way your “D”M has treated you. There will always be room in our home for any of our children who need it, and as a mum of two graduates there are no words to express how proud and pleased I was to be there for them on a such a special occasion. I think speaking to your sister might be the way to go, she is probably also upset by your mother’s bizarre obsession with DN

Congratulations on your graduation and job!
It’s so hard getting a job out of Uni especially if you are having to couch surf at the same time so you have done amazingly well!

I would back right away from your mother for now. If you keep seeking her approval or hoping for things to change it will just mess with your self esteem and MH.
She will eventually work out that she has been completely unreasonable but you need to step away until she does.

Maybe have a quiet word with your sister, tell her how you feel obviously making it clear you know it’s not her fault. You could tell her you are stepping away for a bit but want to maintain a close relationship with her and baby still.

It’s shit for you. I’m not sure how to advise, but I can tell you what I would do - I’m very much a knee jerk reaction person and will force a confrontation so I would exit family group chat, create one for you and your sister (she sounds like you two get on etc) and see how long your mum takes to contact you/ask you what’s happened. That would force the situation of asking her why she’s behaving like a total dick towards you and if she remembers that life does not revolve around her grandson - you are her daughter and she’s missed out on big parts of your life.

Again - might not be for everyone, but that’s what I would do.

YANBU.
Congratulations on your graduation, your job, and on being a capable, independent, person which is how you come across. You sound like you are being very mature in NOT resenting your baby nephew (none of this is his doing) but you have every right to be annoyed at your mum

Being smitten by a new gc is one thing, but it's possible to be smitten without being a total cowbag to your own kids!

I can’t on expecting you to be entirely u, but having read your post I can totally understand why you feel like you do.
Write to your mother. Tell her everything you have told us, be prepared for her to stay exactly as she is, but there is a small chance she will understand how much she has hurt you and respond.

It looks like the baby has eclipsed all else, but it seems to me that your mother uses the baby as an excuse to stop doing things for you (maybe she has longed to free herself from parenting)

Build your own life. Make your own dreams a reality. Stop looking to your family for this. My best advice. Go your own way. Cut the apron strings

Your sister will most likely get sick of it if she is as obsessive and over whelming as she sounds. I’m so sorry OP. I’ve always just called my mum up on distance, and things have changed. But on the chance it hasn’t I’ve chose to ignore her entirely. Taste of her own medicine and that. I have a feeling I’m slightly older than you but I still need my mum.xxxx

(brew) (cake) and (flowers)

I'm sorry OP your mum is being nasty. Even as a parent when you have a new baby you try your best to make any existing children not feel pushed out even when a baby is trying to demand 100pc of your time and attention. So it should be easy with a grandchild to still find the time to congratulate you etc.

I cant believe she made you homeless with hardly any notice, for a grandkid that didn't even need to use it! Babies should sleep in the same room as an adult for at least the first 6 months anyway

Definitely speak to her. You've got nothing to lose as your relationship is breaking down anyway. As PP have said dont mention the nephew just say you havent seen her much and found it hard after uni but you miss her and would like to spend more time and make more effort with each other.

What does your sister say about it? If you have a good relationship I'd speak to her about it as well - does she know you were homeless so her son could have an extra spare room!?

one day i will get it right ! and

This is just so sad. I can't imagine pushing either DC out if one produces GC.

I think talking to your DSis would be a good idea, but continue to carve out your independent life. That way, you'll find people who can support you, friends, etc.

Shame you couldn't set this up as a vote, I suspect you'd get 100% YANBU.

Her behaviour of you is appalling! There are a few things you could do: don't buy her presents - you're only buying for the baby, come out of the group chat - it's not a group chat - it's baby chat and you can discuss that with your sister directly, chat to your sister about it. I presume you're the youngest, so the baby has taken over the 'youngest in the family mantle'?

Sometimes, family is what you make not what you are born with. I'm closer to friends than I am to my family: I have various 'adopted' nieces and nephews who I love to bits, and I'm really close to their parents. At least you still have you sister (and her family) but you need to detach yourself from your mother. Don't give her the power to be able to hurt you.

Yanbu. I know exactly how you feel....
My sisters have each popped a kid out every year for the last 5 years while I was sick (cancer) my mum never visited me once "incase the girls needed her help with the kids" I almost died and still no visits major surgery no offer to help dh with my care at home, this was pretty much the end of our relationship. She does nothing with my ds, never has. And my son was born first no doting grandma yet when middle sis had her first everything was about her and the baby.. my mum also never came to my graduation last year I studied with Open uni did it all at home, & continued through chemo. She actually asked last week when I graduate I said last year, you said you couldn't come incase you were needed by sisters she denies this if course!

Ah op you poor thing!

Oh love, the last line of your post is heartbreaking.

Missing your mum is massively painful. It must be far worse when she’s actually there but not there. Maybe you could get her alone and tell her exactly that. And please try not to be hurt by some of the horrible things people have said about her on this thread. She clearly isn’t vile or you wouldn’t be so hurt by her behaviour. I do hope you can sort it out and get past it.

I agree with other posters I first thought from the title yabu but .. perhaps the best thing is to build your own world, friends, activities etc. You can't change her, enjoy your life. You are capable, you have completed uni right.

Reading the title I was thinking YABU but goodness after reading your op YANBU.

There are no excuses for any of your points but the graduation no show is shocking.

Could your DSis maybe have a chat with her to point out how awful she is being.

My DS was the first grandchild and my DP's were totally besotted but I can't ever imagine them not attending my siblings graduations