Birth of nephew has damaged relationship with DM?

[MooshWoosh]

I am fully aware I might be unreasonable here, but I need an external opinion and I feel guilty thinking this, let alone asking friends or family.

So, just under a year ago DSis gave birth to a beautiful boy. He was her first and made DM a first time grandma. Understandably she was over the moon, as we all were. I’d like to clarify that he is the most lovely baby and I adore him.

However, ever since then I’ve felt that my mum hasn’t got time for anyone or anything else. I sound self-centred and spoilt, and am willing to accept that, but I am so hurt that I’ve been made to feel unimportant.

Specifically a few events have made me feel this way - although there are more.

Firstly, September when baby was a couple of months old I finally graduated University. I was very excited as Uni wasn’t a smooth ride for me, but DM text me the day before saying she didn’t want to travel in case DSis needed help with the baby. Uni was 3.5 hour drive away and she originally said she’d book a B&B so we could go for a meal. In the end I spent the day with a friend and her family, but it wasn’t quite the same.

She has changed my bedroom at home into a second nursery, even though DSis lives a few streets away and baby only spends one day/night a week at hers. I wouldn’t mind so much as it’s her house but it meant that I couldn’t move back after Uni which she didn’t say until the last months of uni.

After graduating I went through a bit of a rough patch where I couldn’t find work, and was struggling financially. I ended up staying on friends sofas because I couldn’t afford rent. I finally got a job - I was so relieved and excited and text my family letting them know. DSis was lovely and responded with a picture of baby holding a sign saying congratulations. DM ignored my job and just gushed about how handsome the baby was etc....

In fact in our family group chat (mum, DSis and I) she hasn’t responded anything other than one line answers directly to me in months. She texts every morning asking how baby is and comments on every new photo. I can’t help but feel pushed out.

I’m aware grandmas are excited about the new addition to the family, but I didn’t realise it would be a replacement. Is this usual? Is this how it’ll always be now?

There are other bits such as no Christmas/Birthday cards or pressies now as “you don’t buy for adults if there are grandchildren”. It’s not about the present so much but just a little token would show she still cared. DSis did get baby equipment for Christmas but I guess it was baby related.

Apologies if this is whiney, I needed to talk, I just really miss my mum.

I think you might have managed a mumsnet first, a unanimous YANBU. It sounds really shit, I’m sorry

Oh I'm so sorry. She sounds horrible

I think @KeepFuckingOff has it quite right, ask her about her distance - call her on it.

Congratulations on graduating and your job!

I can see exactly how you feel and hear your sadness. A friend is going through something very similar, regularly ditched because of her mum’s obsession with her niece. She tried the softly approach then it all built up and she let rip at her mum - not an easy woman at best of times - and she made the right noises but nothing has changed

This dynamic is something I’m aware of as I’ve recently had the first biological grandchild in my family and my mum is completely smitten, though in a normal way, no weird nurseries or stopping presents for my siblings!

If there are any other GC they’ll live on the other side of the world so it’ll be a different relationship and I hope my siblings don’t feel my mum’s love for my baby affects how cherished they feel. She’s at great pains to remind she comes to see me as much as the baby and that she doesn’t love DD more so I assume she does the same with my siblings, hopefully not in a weird awkward way... I hope I’m making sense

Yanbu!!

Chat to your sis about it, I bet she’s fed up of how smothering your dm is

You sound young OP, that’s not right for your mother to act like you’re all grown up now and don’t need a bloody birthday present!! I still get a birthday present from my mum and I’m 44!

She is totally in the wrong but I’ve no idea if you’re going to be able to change it even if you do pull her on it.

Ah that's so sad pet. I'm 52 and still get time, presents and love from my mam even though she has 7 gcs. I've no advice but I feel so bad on your behalf. You are definitely not being unreasonable. No question as to who is

Yanbu, I would first talk to your sister and see what she says, you never know she might be sick of your mum being over involved.

I can't believe she missed your graduation, that is pretty low.

That’s not a nice situation.

Can you delete/mute the group chat? Or would that cause Argo?

*agro

YANBU.

Re presents, yes I can see how you might only buy for the kids but not if someone hasn't got any!

This is so sad to read. That must hurt incredibly as we always want our mother's affection. Rest assured thatnothing you've mentioned has been you being demanding or unreasonable...do not feel guilty for feeling this way.

Your only defense may be distance. Hopefully it will open her eyes in time but by then it's too late.

P.S. Has your mother ever withheld affection from you? Is your sister the golden child?

YANBU. That would really hurt - especially the graduation and the bedroom.

What does your sister say?

YANBU. Some women go completely over the top about being grannies, it sounds like your mum is one of them. You've done really well graduating and getting your first job, it's a pity she's not been supportive and appreciative of your achievements. I wouldn't be happy pushing my grown-up child away like your mum has done.

@MooshWoosh YANBU. Your mother is being awful, and treating you like shit. I am so sorry. Maybe your sis can have a word...

Agree TOTALLY about some women going OTT about becoming a granny!

I have had to unfollow 5 women on facebook because of their batshit obsession with their grandkids. They act like the child is theirs.

Weird as fuck.

@AnneLovesGilbert do you mean your parents have other GCs that are adopted?

That’s really sad. I wonder if this is somehow due to your mum’s own upbringing? Maybe she thinks that this is now a parent/child relationship is meant to evolve? She is wrong of course - but maybe she doesn’t know any different.

Willing to bet that she is doing your sister’s head in! Talk to her.

I and one of my brothers have step children who my parents treat as grandchildren drspouse but they’re quite a lot older so this is the first baby of one of their DCs.

Gosh, that sounds awful. No wonder you're upset. Can you say anything to her about it? Can your sister support you? I think in your shoes I'd go very low contact and see if she notices/misses you. At least you won't have your nose rubbed in it. It sounds like you are very much being taken for granted. Perhaps a noticeable absence will be the wake up call she needs to remember she has another daughter.

YADNBU
Ideal world - you tell her how you feel and she reflects and changes back.

Reality - she has chosen to obsess be smitten and is unlikely to change back.

Well done you for writing things down honestly here even though it must hurt like hell.

Reality 2 - you are a very able person with a life to carve out. Ditch the photo group if you're not part of it. Investigate what you want to do. Be more selfish - you have one life!

That’s awful OP.
You sound lovely and you clearly (rightly) aren’t at all resentful of your lovely nephew.
Your mother is doing a very poor job of being a mother just now, and that is a more important role than grandparenting, unless you are actually raising your grandchildren in the absence of their parents, which doesn’t apply to your mother.
Congratulations on graduating!

It sounds like it's been really difficult for you OP and your feelings are completely justified. I agree with PP that you should talk to your sister about feeling pushed out and missing the closeness with your mum. She might be able to explain to your mum how uncaring her actions have been towards you.