To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

[Louray]

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

For heavens sake, what’s with all this planning???
Enjoy being pregnant and look forward to the baby coming. Get to know baby and then think about what you will do then. There are enough stresses involved at this time without everyone pressuring you into making decisions. The only person you need discuss it with is your husband.
You say MIL offered one day a week, do you get on with her? and what is the situation with your own mum?
You won’t want to leave baby with anyone at first.
My daughter has just had a baby (5 weeks) and she is spending time getting to know him and his needs.

@Velociraptorz ...... I agree with you 😁

I'm sure it's normal for people to mention things like this in passing... but it they are going all about it all the time that would be wrong.

For heavens sake, what’s with all this planning???

some people have bills to pay... If you need/want to go back to work, you need to plan accordingly. If you can afford to take 5 or more years off, by all means, but you will still have planned and budgeted that you could.
Sensible option for anyone surely.

I understand . You don’t know how you’ll feel until you actually meet your baby. I remember passing nurseries I passed on the way to work , imagining myself dropping off a baby. Once I met the baby I felt like a different person and was more sensitive to what kind of environment would be right . I couldn’t have known before,

To a certain extent, I do understand what you mean. It feels like people are almost wishing your maternity leave away! However on the other hand, some nurseries do have lengthy waiting lists so it is sensible to have a look around and at least get your names down beforehand. I have my unborn daughter due to start nursery in June 2020 at the moment and the nursery has been really flexible with me updating info as and when with their names etc when DD is here. It actually helps me to relax knowing it's sorted and one less thing to think about.

Your MIL is just trying to be helpful, and being excited. She's not trying to be pushy or overbearing although maybe it may feel that way, she just wants to be able to help and spend time with her grandchild. Believe me appreciate the offer! I would be lost without my MIL's support (as OTT as she can be sometimes...) Particularly as my parents aren't very well and are not able to help with childcare so much.

So I get what you are saying but you probably are BU (just a smidge)

It's annoying; but in particular it is wise to check out nursery options.

The good ones do get booked up well in advance. We missed the boat with our first child and regretted it later as he ended up at a nursery which was not good and in our opinion did not prepare him very well for school.

I wish we'd got the nursery sorted out much sooner.

Well it's also fine not to plan. The problem is when lack of planning means you are stuck without childcare . Your MIL might be looking at your attitude of not even thinking about it until it's about to happen, and worrying shes going to be expected to fill the gap when you have a self-created childcare crisis.

Do you need to go back to work? Do you act like your career matters to you? Then it's not unreasonable for your MIL and others to presume you will need childcare, and if shes been listening to friends who are grandmothers talk about how hard it has been for their DDs and DSs to sort childcare, she might be trying to make you focus that refusing to think about it in good time will mean you have to leave your DC in a situation that you wouldn't have picked.

Dont be like one of those people who refuse to think about Christmas ages in advance, so find all the food delivery slots for christmas week are gone, they have to do the supermarket shop on Christmas week, oh and they haven't got time to get the gifts delivered so have to spend the weekends in December going round the shops rather than just doing fun stuff. Obviously both techniques end up with christmas being "done", just the pre-planning is less stressful.

I am the owner and manager of a popular nursery. I have had so many mums (and dads!) literally crying when they look around the nursery but we are unable to accommodate their child. I have been offered bribes on several occasions (never taken up). I know that you don’t even want to think about handing over your baby for somebody else to care for, but if you have to go back to work, then I strongly suggest that you don’t bury your head in the sand. Unfortunately I have also seen relationships go through very rocky patches because the parents had very different expectations of how much the child would need to be in childcare.
Once you have seen a few nurseries / childminders / nannies, then you will be able to make a decision about which would be the best fit for your family, and you can forget about it until the settling in sessions start. If you leave it, you will be hit doubly hard with the fact that your maternity leave is coming to an end AND you probably won’t have your first choice of childcare. Good luck with your search!

I can understand your surprise about people’s comments; when I was pregnant I really didn’t want to think about handing baby to anyone else or going back to work after. I didn’t organise anything until my baby was born and when he was a couple of mo this old, then started looking into options. I found good nurseries, preschools and childminders all with space, and took my time in choosing (eventually decided on a mix of my mum having him and a childminder which worked well. I couldn’t book the childminder until I knew what days I was working.
It is crazy to be thinking about it when baby isn’t even there yet. You don’t know what will suit them or what setting you would be comfortable with. However I guess people are trying to be helpful if the nurseries close to you have long waiting lists, and if that is the case I guess you do have to start looking far in advance, at least to get them on a waiting list or two.
I’d take their comments as being helpful and try to overlook your annoyance. Your mil is probably just thinking ahead and letting you know what she would be happy with, some people expect GP to be heavily involved, and others won’t help at all. If you like and trust her, having her look after your child 1 day a week would be lovely for everyone, my son loves being with his granny each week. I guess the ‘not centering her world around your baby’ comment was just her letting you know what to expect of her later.
Hope everything goes well for you!

I made the mistake of not sorting out my childcare before the baby was born, and then there wasn’t a full time space for my baby when I did go back to work.

I didn’t know and no one told me, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

MRex, tongue in cheek comment, purely tongue in cheek

I had completely forgotten about this post. I enquired about a popular nursery last week, looked around it the next day (it looked lovely) and then put my DD’s name down. They had room for 6 months ahead so it may not be too late for the OP. I still think she needs to decide what to do now though and not leave it until any later.