To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

[Louray]

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

Thanks for the advice everyone, I stand corrected and will start thinking about it!

You're MIL offer you one a week free childcare without you having to ask her first? What a bitch.

If I were your MIL and I saw you burying your head in the sand over future childcare, I would want to make clear that you better not be assuming I'll do all the childcare for you when you realise you've fucked it up.
I hope you mean that you would want to make it clear with your son first...you know, the other parent of the baby, who - kind of z also should have interest in not fucking up, and is just as able to call local nurseries as the OP is.

@Louray I sorted out a nursery place a couple of months before I went back to work , I've never come across anyone who has sorted out a nursery place before the baby was even born. But I guess things vary a lot depending on location. If I was you, I'd phone a couple of local nurseries and get a feel for when you need to be sorting out a place. Then forget about it and just look forward to maternity leave and enjoying your new baby!

I dislike it immensely but even now at 4 months gone I have to look into places because the waiting lists are extensive.

I'd love to sit back and enjoy it all but I'm heading back to work and I need to make sure plans are in place!

I get where you are coming from, I remember feeling a bit overwhelmed about choosing a nursery for a child that hadn't been born yet and there's an element of it feels like wishing away time. But I'm so glad I did sort it out as the good nurseries fill up quickly here.

As for your MIL, that's up to you. It's a kind offer. My MIL offered but I said it'd be more useful for her to cover illness/nursery closures. MIL is lovely but I knew she wouldn't follow our routine and dietary preferences so I didn't want her doing a day a week.

Yup, but you know that now and have graciously admitted it too, so all is fine.

who should be telling me that? Midwife?
I found friends volunteered this information.

Good ones book up fast. If you need specific locations, days, hours, standards, especially look in advance.

Don't rely on all the other pregnant people not having bothered either and the baby room at the nursery you like having a space / ratio that matches your needs left over. It's pretty unlikely.

I’m 7 months pregnant. The baby has been registered with nursery for the last couple of months! Albeit a slightly different situation as it’s the same place my dd goes and I wanted to ensure we got a place. With dd (our first) I wasn’t sure whether I was going back to work or not so didn’t look at nurseries until she was 6 months and it was a nightmare trying to get a space

Nope, I booked my children into a nursery when pregnant and places only became available as I was about to go back to work. I took a years mat leave and had wanted to go back after 9 months but their where no spaces in the baby room, they went straight into the year to 18 months group as more place.
I also don't see what was wrong with your MIL offer. Take it or don't.

@Louray - it sounds to me like you're already desperately in love with your baby and anxious that the time will pass too quickly? It does and it doesn't; DS is 16 months old and life before him feels like an eternity ago, I barely every remember last summer. You'll have those long days to snuggle and gaze at your baby, to smell their head, to stroke their back a thousand times a day and give them hundreds of kisses. Of course sometimes it seems like time is flying past, but there was a magical time where it all stood still for ages, the 3 of us in a constant cycle of feeds, winding, nappy, sleep, walks and hugs. I remember being pregnant and the idea of being parted from my tiny miracle felt ridiculous; to "won't you want to come back part-time after a few months" I would just say "I'll see when the baby's here" and repeat until the questioner got bored.

Have you worked on a budget to know how long you can take off? Of the nurseries, one had a 15 month waiting list but we don't even like it, our two favourites need 6-9 months notice (DS will go at 2). It probably doesn't hurt to draw up a shortlist and email to find out their waiting list times, then depending on how long you're taking off you can decide when you need to see them. To your MIL just be honest "Thanks, but let's talk about childcare once the baby is a few months old, I can't even start to think about being parted from my baby until then".

You'll have the time to peacefully be with your newborn, enjoy every moment.

The nursery DS will be going to changed their policy around waiting lists, so it must be after birth. I registered him there before we registered him for a birth certificate. The manager I spoke to said they had to stipulate after birth as they'd had people only a few weeks pregnant registering and then some couples TTC! It is an Ofsted outstanding Montessori, but we're not even in London.

We had no family nearby and I work FT so our babies were always going to go to some form of childcare. We chose DC1's nursery before he was born, and he attended at 9 months, and DC2's nursery when she was 3 months' old, and she started at 6 months. By then we'd settled that we were looking at nurseries rather than a CM as no CM near us had space for an under-1.

Just tell people that you haven't et decided if you're going back to work, if you don't want to have that conversation. Ask your DH to do the maths about his dream nursery though - the costs can be eye-watering; you're looking at about £50 a day round here for a full day's nursery fees including meals but excluding nappies.

Sorry but you need to plan ahead. when you know that you will go back to work you have to think about childcare. Depending on your area there may be plenty of options or not a lot.

We had the not a lot version and saw nurseries/put her name down when DD was 6 weeks. So knowing the scores meant I could enjoy the pregnancy and the first weeks without fuss.

Your MIL - it depends what you want. i would never want grandparents care but I know others love it. Think about what you want/need and go from there. it is the same like buying a pram.

I understand wanting just to enjoy this and to be in a happy bubble!

However, as others have said, in the long term this might not be in your best interests.

I would get the maximum childcare you might need sorted, and then you can not worry about it any more, and go back to enjoying your happy place! You then have a plan in place, and if you change your mind about going back, or the hours you want to work, you can always scale back on the plans in place.

There's nearly a years waiting list for a good nursery where I leave so it's not unreasonable to think about this now if you are planning on going back to work.

I think you are being a teeny bit U because no one has done anything wrong - as you know and others have said nurseries can get booked up and I was definitely looking around some with the bump, even though I didn't go back til after 9 months. Your MIL is kind to make the offer - you don't have to take her up on it. I do have a lot of sympathy for you though because I understand how you feel.

I think in pregnancy we feel so bloody out of control about everything as our body changes and we are thinking about childbirth etc... so many things to worry and think about that it can feel like being given more "work" when people ask us about X or Y we simply didn't want to tackle yet. Also the initial excitement and euphoria of a BFP or a new bump - then we can get a bit bogged down with planning the practicalities. I understand why you want to just enjoy looking forward to your baby but it's hard to explain!

With DC1 we booked his nursery (which was a fairly newly-opened one) when he was about 3/4 months old.

By the time DC2 came along it was a madly popular nursery and technically speaking when we booked a place for DC2 (when I was three months pregnant!) we only went onto the waiting list (although it was a very short waiting list and no one really doubted that we'd get a place).

louray it does depend on location but the only nursery in our village has a long waiting list.....it's such a good nursery that people travel for miles to attend. You have to put your name down while pregnant to have any chance of a place.

A friend of mine lives next door to it but can't get his kids in as they left if too late.

It's definitely worth scoping out the situation in your area if you're planning on going back to work.

I just hate the thought of going back so when I talk about the baby I just want to talk about it being here and enjoying it!

With love, you may feel quite different once your baby is born!

Depending on when you go back it might be that a childminder or a nanny would work best anyway, certainly for some of the shy or much younger babies it can work better to have the consistency and quieter environment. It's only past about 2 that almost all the kids are happy playing with others so nursery is then usually the best option. So you might end up being right to resist the push into nursery before you know what is best for your baby.

The reality is most good nurseries book up about a year in advance. We couldn’t get a nursery space for ds1 as we moved areas. To quote the words that were told to us by various nurseries “you would need to have booked us space for him when you were pregnant to get one”. It certainly caused a lot of difficulties for us childcare wise. Secondly your MIL is just making her position clear given how many grown adults expect there parents to provide round the clock free childcare I am not surprised by this. Obviously this may not be the case for you. Also if you don’t want her taking care of your little one that’s fine too.

I'm going to be looking for a childminder. And to be fair, this thread has given me a kick up the ass to get it done and organised. Im only 22 weeks pregnant too. Thanks everyone for your advice ☺

The first nursery we went to look at (incredible place, highly sought after and subsidised by DH’s employers) looked at us aghast that we had turned up at 13 weeks pregnant and said that we really should have come BEFORE conceiving. I started to giggle thinking the manager was joking. She wasn’t. The waiting list was 18 months long, longer if you wanted 5 days a week. It was NUTS.