To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

[Louray]

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

I think people are just being practical. What seems to you like raining on your parade might be people trying to save you from the heartache of having to use childcare that isn't what you really wanted.

So you're just about the here and now?! Having children will kick that out of you, you need to plan, be organised and get your act together - good nursery needs preparation unless you'll stick them in any nursery and aren't bothered

In many areas if you’re planning to use a nursery from the age of 1 or so you need to get on the waiting list while you’re pregnant.

Good nurseries can be fully booked so early. I would start looking many months before you return to work, especially if you want part-time childcare.

Clearly I am being unreasonable then 😂
Nobody has told me that I need to think about it while I’m pregnant though... who should be telling me that? Midwife?

Well, if you don't want your MIL to look after your dc than that's obviously fine, but if you do then there's another whole set of logistics that you'll need to get firmed up.

Is she flexible about days or does it have to be a particular day that may affect you when applying for available nursery spaces or if you're going back part time might affect what working days you ask for?

Is she reliable or might she change her mind down the road and leave you in the lurch?

Better to get this sort of thing firmed up now rather than when you're post-partum with a million other things to be thinking about.

Some of the couples I know can't get a nearby - as in down the road - nursery space for when they both go back to work when their LO is one years old. They made the mistake of looking when their LO was 1-2 months old. So your husband and MIL aren't being unreasonable.

I actually live about 2 miles away where there are more childcare options and I looked 6 months before I needed one because of this. Even then I only got a space due to complete luck.

Everyone around you is telling you that?!?

People ARE telling you that you need to be thinking about it - you just don't like hearing about it!

It's your friends and family who have experience who will tell you. None of your midwife's concern.

I think more people should think about this before even getting pregnant tbh.

I think your MIL is being really helpful. Lots of people would love to have a day's childcare from a grandparent every week, and she's making it clear from the outset what she is and isn't willing to do. It saves the awkwardness of skirting around the issue further down the line, and means that when you go looking for nurseries (which, yes, sorry, you may need to do soon), you'll know how many days you'll need.

If you can, I wouldn't keep her dangling - take her up on her offer or let her down gently once you know what you're at.

OP The more organised you are against any eventuality, the more you'll be able to enjoy the baby. Do some research now, book your baby in, thank MIL for her offer and then you can forget about it and enjoy looking forward to your child . If your finances and job allow you to cancel the nursery place and your MIL's kind offer, because you want to be a SAHM, then you can do it later. Your MIL is just thinking ahead so don't you overthink it.

Okay so I think I’ll just have to let it go! Probably unreasonable pregnancy hormones making me feel emotional!

Sorry, YABU. I paid for DS's first month of nursery before the 20 week scan. When he was born a month early, I phoned to move the start date a month earlier (but still a year in future!) and was told, sorry, no, they were full that month.

It's the last thing you want to think about, but unfortunately, you do need to get it sorted.

Nobody has told me that I need to think about it while I’m pregnant though... who should be telling me that? Midwife?

I'm confused. You surely aren't saying you need to be told that you will need childcare if you have a baby and want to return to work ?

How did you make the decision to have a baby if you hadn't thought about the practicalities? You must have contacted nurseries / childminders to find out about cost etc.? The etc. would include how / when you secure a place.

I get where you're coming from OP - sometimes we just want to enjoy the moment and not have to actually do anything.

But you have 9 months to enjoy a pregnancy and plan for the arrival, so you should do that at some point too!

I think everyone is probably trying to be helpful, but all the same YANBU!

Until DS finally arrived I had always been a career girl, and everyone assumed that (a) I would be going back to work as soon as I possibly could and (b) that I wouldn't cope with being off on mat leave with him - this from my own mother!

Wrong on both counts, and like you I didn't want to think about having to go back until I was ready to think about it; where we live nursery places aren't under such pressure, so it wasn't a problem.

I eventually did go back, much later than planned because I wanted to be with him and also because we couldn't afford it until he was three and the grant kicked in. As a result we are still massively skint five years later (and no we are not loaded...not even slightly) but it was worth every penny.

Not dissing anyone else's choices (forced or otherwise), just this is what worked for us.

Nobody has told me that I need to think about it while I’m pregnant though... who should be telling me that?

Are you expecting a handbook of things for your area??! The people you need to listen to are those who live in your area, who have been through it all.

I was astounded when I lived in SE London that I had absolutely no chance of getting a place for DS as I hadn't had him listed from birth. In the end I had to hire a nanny 2 days a week because I had no alternative.

Also your MIL, why do you THINK she felt the need to tell you? Don't you thin it's something useful to know, especially given that you should be getting on with thinking about childcare?!

I know you're feeling excited by the thought of meeting this amazing person to be, and that you want to exist in that 'loved up' state for awhile. But there is nothing wrong with dealing with a few practicalities alongside feeling all maternal and excited etc.

If I were your MIL and I saw you burying your head in the sand over future childcare, I would want to make clear that you better not be assuming I'll do all the childcare for you when you realise you've fucked it up.

I read it as her saying as nicely as possible that your failure to plan will not be her emergency to fix.

Also, it is a lot more pleasant going round nurseries before you have had the baby. Not sleep deprived, not trying to take in the atmosphere and talk to staff whilst juggling a whinging baby/poonami/feeding/nap time.

I would not say you are totally unreasonable, I brushed off people's advice just like you did. I just could not believe the local nurseries were full with fees starting at £1.5K per child.
Then, my DC had at some point to attend three nurseries at the same time, one was a 40 min journey away, as none had a full time place available.

We signed DS up to a nursery at 7 weeks old, he didn't start till he was over 12 months old but we still couldn't get the days we needed for the first month. It's the best nursery for miles around and is therefore very oversubscribed with a huge waiting list. Get cracking!

When people have said that they were looking when they were 6 months pregnant for nurseries I didn’t know that people needed to look that early?
Clearly I’m clueless!

Is this actually about you hating your job and thus not even wanting to think about return to it?

I knew I would miss my work and so was happy planning my return.

I expect your MIL is trying to be helpful albeit a tad demanding (it's tough shit if you don't want her to look after your dc).

But, I would suggest looking into childcare now. It's much easier looking around nurseries alone than with a baby (or in my case with a 3 year old also tagging along).

I'm going back to work in 6 weeks time. I was only recently offered the job and I'm struggling to find childcare. Atm my dd, who will be 8 months, is going to have to spend Mon with childminder 1, Tues at a nursery, weds back with childminder 1 and Thurs with PIL for 6 weeks (and I really had to beg them for this) until nursery have another spot available. This is far from ideal.

I understand how you feel, but depending on where you live, the best nurseries may have very long waiting lists. With DC2 I knew which nursery I wanted him to go to, put him on the list the day after my 12 week scan (yes) and still couldn't get him in aged 11 months.