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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

213 replies

Louray · 08/07/2019 12:39

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

OP posts:
PseuDenim · 08/07/2019 14:29

I put DS down at nursery when I was 18 weeks pregnant and same with his (private) school but it is in central London so maybe that has a bearing on demand levels.

francienolan · 08/07/2019 14:51

The nursery at my husband's work says to reserve a place as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed which sounds mad to me but is apparently how it's done. If you do go back to work you should plan something now then you won't have to worry about it when you're on leave and can enjoy your baby a bit more.

Fluffymullet · 08/07/2019 14:52

First baby - I was looking at nursery when they were 3 months old as other mums had said nurseries were booking up fast. She just got in. 2nd baby I came back from the 12week scan and booked her in. There have been younger siblings who don't have places at the same nurserys as older ones and it's a right pain to sort.

I am generally disorganised and last minute, but felt better having that sorted. You don't gave to take the place up if you decide otherwise. I get that you don't want you think about going back to work though yet.

megletthesecond · 08/07/2019 15:00

Another thing you might not have considered. Try not to use up all your annual leave by tagging it on to the end of maternity leave. Keep as much back as your employer allows because you'll need it when your baby / toddler gets poorly regularly during the first year in childcare. Make sure your DP bears this in mind too.

BikeRunSki · 08/07/2019 15:05

We looked at nurseries - 49 weeks in advance of needing a place - when DS was 3 weeks old. The days we needed were not available. This in in rural West Yorkshire, not somewhere hugely densely populated.,At least thinking about childcare options now Isbonly sensible, and I think your MIZl’s remark was only reinforcing this.

PopWentTheWeasel · 08/07/2019 15:06

francienolan if you're looking at nursery places, I really wouldn't take one at a parent's place of work. It tends to mean that the same parent gets the call every time that baby is ill and makes you really popular with your employer.

If you choose somewhere nearer to home, baby is more likely to attend nursery with someone they then go to school with and both / either parent can pick up easily if they're ill.

AdoreTheBeach · 08/07/2019 15:16

While I wasn’t asked often, one of the first things I did when pregnant was look at the maternity leave, maternity pay, our finances and thought about child care because it was obvious I had to go back to work after SMP ended. I had child care organised before I went on maternity leave and within a week of DC was born, her name was down for nursery school. Her name was not the first name down either. Did the same for second DC. Of course, this was the time SMP was something like 18 weeks.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 08/07/2019 15:23

It is a pain to hear before baby is even born, but you do need to be prepared for nursery, the nursery I liked doesn't actually have a space for my daughter for when i want it in 12 months and my daughter was only 4 weeks when I enquired !! I'm now having to look at other nurseries but desperately hoping someone else decides to pull out of the place so I get my daughter's !

dottiedodah · 08/07/2019 16:19

Are you fully on board with your return to work?.Are you wishing to be a SAHM. Can you talk to your husband about it?.Sometimes the pressure is on from other working parents to "sort" Nursery care ASAP!.Your MIL sounds great BTW, she is just letting you know how the land lies for future reference !

AcrobaticCardigan · 08/07/2019 16:26

We had to book our nursery space while I was pregnant - other local mums I know that waited missed out as it’s now full until much later in the year. When I did look around the nursery they told me I was right to look while pregnant as regardless of them booking up fast, once the baby is here you will be viewing with a whole other set of emotions!

mogtheexcellent · 08/07/2019 16:30

I investigated options and viewed nursery/met childminder when DD was a month old. Even then nursery wasn't available on one of the days I needed (hence childminder). I had to go back to work after 8 months mat leave and wanted to make sure I had the choice rather than grabbing what was available.

If you are unsure about returning to work then I would just investigate and get costs and leave it to how you feel nearer the middle of your mat leave.

Nonnymum · 08/07/2019 16:33

YNBU. It's impossible to know how you will feel until after the baby is born.
The reality of actually having another human being to look after hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks after I had my first . You may decide you want to go back part time, take a career break or to go back full time as soon as you can.
However I would begin some reserarch just do you know the type of child care you want and what is available just so that you are prepared for all scenarios.

SonEtLumiere · 08/07/2019 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBrockmans · 08/07/2019 16:53

Do you want your MIL to look after dc? Will your DM want to as well? Another option is to ask her to be on standby to take dc if I'll, so in nursery full time but MIL take them if I'll.

shirleybanister · 08/07/2019 18:46

I am a grandma and a retired teacher. I was lucky to have my children at a time when most mum's expected to stay at home until the youngest was 5. I feel that my kids benefited from the security of a consistent carer - me, and the fact that there were only 3 children to one adult.
When DD had her first child she knew that she would have to go back to work, after one year, to pay the mortgage. We did some research and it seemed that a better option for the baby would be to go to a good childminder. Going to a childminder is like going to an auntie for the day and provides more continuity and security for a child than a nursery.
DD was very anxious when her maternity leave came to an end, but managed to find a wonderful childminder, who her DD absolutely loved. Since then she has moved area and had 2 more children who she again out with a childminder, again with great success. Some mums are worried that their baby will love the child minder more, but this simply did not happen. Although she was very worried about it at the time she is now convinced that she did the right thing - there were huge advantages both for her and her children in having a childminder. You can get a list of qualified childminders from your local council.

MamaFlintstone · 08/07/2019 19:18

There are a maximum of 3 children to one adult in nurseries too for under 2s. Good childminders wil also be booked up early on.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/07/2019 19:21

I had to put my son’s name (well he didn’t have a name then) down on the waiting list when I was 20 weeks. That’s what it is like in this area. However I agree it is no one else’s business, and childcare from family members should be broached by everyone much more sensitively

HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/07/2019 19:24

“Going to a childminder is like going to an auntie for the day and provides more continuity and security for a child than a nursery.”

Depends on the childminder, depends on the nursery, and very much depends on the child.

ReganSomerset · 08/07/2019 19:25

A day a week with granny is invaluable. Lock that down, OP!

Ali86 · 08/07/2019 19:25

I registered at the 12 week scan for all 5 days a week and I had only got to the top of the list for 2 of the days when I went back when DC was 1 (which i was actually rather pleased about as it gave me a reason to ask for part time working but would have been a pain if I hadn't).

Namelessinseattle · 08/07/2019 19:27

I am going to rock your world with my advice. It took me until my first was about a year old to learn this lesson. It’s so simple and yet it will change your life. Here we go;

You don’t need to tell the truth.

I know it sounds mental but I used to get so stressed out when people would give me advice about my baby to ask questions and then I’d have to explain why their suggestion was bat shit crazy.... and current guidelines.... and our parenting philosophy etc etc etc. now I just say “oh really? I must look into that thank you.” And I never look into it. It’s liberating.

Example;
Are you going back to work?
Answer; doesn’t matter. Say anything.

Have you plans for childcare?
Answer; doesn’t matter. Say anything.

Mil- I won’t be one of those etc etc etc
Answer- that’s great. Good for you. Ok. (The truth is obviously - do I give a shit MIL?)

Chovihano · 08/07/2019 19:38

When people asked me after each child I just said nurseries/ child minders weren't for my kids, they have free childcare from us.
The faces were a picture I can tell you.

headinhands · 08/07/2019 19:48

Most people will be making conversation and won't actually care what your plans are.

Constantlurker · 08/07/2019 20:02

Alright the OP gets it, let's cut her some slack! Yes you have to be prepared, but that doesn't mean to say you can't look forward to being off work with your new baby for a long time without constantly being reminded you have to go back to work. Congratulations on the baby OP. Take a look at some nurseries now so you're prepared but don't take it too much to heart, it's a conversation piece and they're trying to help :)

NCforthis2019 · 08/07/2019 20:08

Do you know how quickly nursery places fill
Up? We were on a waitlist when I was pregnant! Yabu. Maybe they are looking out for you.