To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

[Louray]

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

We had nursery place booked before I had DC and work planned out. Surely it's just common sense if your going to return to return to work.

Another day, another new way for someone to be offended on Mumsnet!

I hope you mean that you would want to make it clear with your son first...you know, the other parent of the baby, who - kind of z also should have interest in not fucking up, and is just as able to call local nurseries as the OP is.

That's a fair point, except that the OP says this:

OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming.

which surely suggests that the baby's dad is trying to make progress but is being hampered by the OP's refusal to consider her options. Perhaps they have discussed it at length and he has asked her to make her position clear to the OP to try and help focus her attention a little.

I’m glad they did, tbh, as that’s the only way we were going to get a place at the nursery we wanted. I felt really weird looking round at 28 weeks pregnant, but if we’d left it later I wouldn’t have had my first choice of childcare so it was worth it.

Sorry, but in many cities and countries, decent nurseries at vaguely reasonable costs get booked up quick, and if you don't sort it out in pregnancy you're too late. People also don't get unlimited leave or other work options, and have to plan accordingly. Why on earth does it annoy you that people have to figure plans out ahead of time? You're being unreasonable.

Having twins made planning nursery places quite a high priority. They were on the list when I was 3 months pregnant. All I then had to do was confirm dates much nearer the time.
It's even worse for wrap around childcare for school as there seems to be fewer providers.

Get real. You are naieve. If you think a sought after nursery or childminder will have space, when you finally get your arse into gear in 18 mths time, you are in for a nasty shock!!

To be fair OP, I didn't plan ahead and ended up not being able to find a full time spot for my DS 6 months before I was scheduled to go back. Full time places at the last minute are like gold dust and you really should start planning now.

My dd's nursery had a 12month waiting list. And also you need to start planning how long a ML you are going to take/can afford to take. I had my childcare roughly planned as soon as i was pregnant, its just stuff i thought about

Op do you not want to go back to work but are expected to/have to, and that's maybe the problem?

I didn't have a problem with discussing these things, as I really wished to go back, so was grateful for all, and any help.

The only way I could imagine being upset about it, is if I hadn't wished to go back and wonder if that's the issue here?

If you live in an area like mine, you will need to put your baby down for a nursery space before it's born otherwise you won't get one at all!

Be irritated that people are asking, fine, but you do need to plan ahead, and if you are going back to work, get your childcare in place ASAP.

Actually I think more people should think about nursery costs before getting pregnant even. It astounds me how many don't and are then surprised how expensive it is. Surely they should make sure they can afford it? Presumably OP that is not all people talk about when they refer to baby? Maybe they sense you are unprepared. Do you know costs and availability? I think my DD and her husband looked at nurseries when DGD1 was about 3-4 months as DD had to go back when she was 9 months old. Do you know your maternity pay policy?

You may be glad of MILs offer in a few months time as her doing a day will help with costs and help her to bond with baby when you return to work. Is the issue you don't want to go back after baby born?

Do you work in a school? If you are after term time only childcare, you will have to do a lot of research and those places get booked up quickly!

IF your MIL is prepared to do 1 day a week, that's saving you around £3k a year.

If you want Part Time, you need to start having those gentle chats with your employer early, often when they are arranging your Mat Leave cover.

Nobody mentions it OP, it is just something you do - I ended up as a SAHM but even I was looking into nurseries when I was pregnant. They wanted a deposit even to go on the waiting list!

I did come across some mums in baby classes who hadn't looked into any nurseries and seemed surprised that they were full. So it's not unknown, but if you want any choice in the matter I would certainly start looking ahead. I also assumed the mums that didn't look ahead didn't really want to return to work tbh.

I don't know, Louray. I've known people who haven't made any plans, even tentative ones, for child care and when they are due to go back to work it's panic stations trying to arrange something they're happy with. It's sensible to think about it and have a few options in your head but not obsess over it.

It's no one else's business so if others try to put their oar in, be vague and change the subject. However do take note of what other posters have said about the difficulties in getting a nursery place. If that's what you want (when you do think about it :-) ), it's a good idea to put your name down. You can always change your mind.

Congratulations in advance of you having your baby, I hope you're well and enjoying your pregnancy .

I think your MIL's comment wasn't needed, she could have offered the day a week without the rest of it, of course up to you and your DH if you want that.

I think the world is made up of planners and wingers, I'm a planner my DH is a winger and it drives me mad, probably drives him mad as well.

They might be trying to be helfpul.

Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!

The people I know who enjoyed their maternity leave the most were the ones who had childcare sorted for when they went back to work. Spending your time worrying about which days you will get, whether your choice of nursery will have space etc can really mar the experience, so getting it sorted now might be the best way to minimise your stress.

If you're not married, then jacking in full time work to be a SAHP is a BAD idea and the pair of you had best sort out childcare now.

Spaces will also come available at certain times of the year (i.e. September) as children move up into school. I sorted out childcare for my Aug born DD when we moved (she was 6w) as I wanted her to go to the small local nursery which was convenient for the school run. However I had to start her at 12m (when actually I was still off work for another month due to maternity leave timings) as that was when their spaces came free, and if I didn't pay for that month, I would have lost my whole childcare slot as they would have filled it with someone else who would have paid. In the end it all worked out well, and meant she had a nice easy settling in period, but that was something I wasn't expecting either.

The bottom line is that you have absolutely no idea how you feel after the baby is here.
You can be adamant you are going back to work, that baby is going into nursery at 6 months and that MIL is having her one day a week, then you hold baby and it all goes out of the window.

People are probably just trying to get everything in order, While you need to be realistic do not let anyone spoil the pregnancy for you.

So when nurseries are suggested, if it's on the cards you will go back, research them, pick one and tell your husband that a name can be put down now for it and utilised if you go back once the babies here.

I'm assuming you and your husband have an ideal plan of what life will look like when baby is here, and then a contingency plan for if you feel completely differently once they arrive?
If you don't, I would make that a priority, you both need to be on the same page for when baby arrives

Just tell everyone else ( make it your strap line for any conversation surrounding baby that you don't want to engage in) "it's far too soon to be making any plans, let's just enjoy the pregnancy and we can sort everything once baby is here"

Yes I do understand, I hate people trying to organise my life for me.

I knew I was going to be a SAHP when I couldn't bear the thought of looking at child care options. It just wasn't and never was on my radar.

I felt the same when I was pregnant with DS1, and ended up viewing a nursery but couldn't bring myself to book it (and lay the booking fee) when I hadn't even met my baby yet. However, the consequence down the line was that when I tried to book it at 5 months old (for a start at 12 months) it was full. We did find another nursery, and we were happy with it, but it does illustrate that you should book ahead!

It is annoying yes but it took me by surprise that nursery places booked 6+ months in advance where we live so it is worth considering, annoying as it may be!

Do you want to go back to work or do you have to? I don't think you are BU tbh in feeling the way you do. People are probably just trying to get you to plan ahead but even so.