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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

213 replies

Louray · 08/07/2019 12:39

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 09/07/2019 18:20

YABU - some nurseries have huge waiting lists everyone is just being thoughtful.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 09/07/2019 18:25

don't forget that some people will only comment because they have been caught out themselves and are trying to warn you. It's nice.

FontSnob · 09/07/2019 18:29

Think of it this way. Get baby down for a nursery and then you can forget about it for a while and no one will mention it again and you can enjoy your pregnancy without having to think about it.

Ninjamilo · 09/07/2019 18:38

I wish people had mentioned nurseries to me when I was pregnant. We’re now massively struggling to find a nursery for our daughter that we’re happy with, and I’m already back at work! Even the awful ones don’t have space for at least 6 months!

winniestone37 · 09/07/2019 18:45

It's annoying but hardly a big deal? I mean people ask a zillion silly questions. Relax.

Molly564 · 09/07/2019 18:46

I do see where you are coming from...

However, before I went on mat leave my husband very much suggested I be a SAHP and i gave it some consideration and said let’s see how I feel once the baby arrives.

Long story short but we had some complications once DC was here and I said i wasn’t going to go back to work. Only told close friends and family.

Fast forward 9 months to the end of last year and I decided I wanted to go part time if they’d let me. DC was doing really well considering the early complications.

Work agreed to let me go back part time so I started looking into local nurseries. Wow, did I have an issue. The best one in our area asked me over the telephone when the baby was due? I was like due? They’re 9 months old and looking to start when they turn one. The lady laughed and said ‘oh i am sorry you have to put your name down when pregnant. We aren’t now taking until March 2020!!!’

I then tried a few more who didn’t take under 2s 🤦🏼‍♀️ I finally found one in the next town along.

So basically i do understand why you want to enjoy the moment but you may have to look into nurseries if you plan on going back to work!

Best of luck and enjoy your mat leave 😊

TigerTooth · 09/07/2019 19:03

Yes YABU.
No harm in forward planning if you are going back and if you’re not - just say so.
Really not something to get wound up about because folk are trying to help.

Lifeover · 09/07/2019 19:03

You need to be considering childcare though we picked a nursery when Dswas 1 month old and couldn’t get our preferred days and that was 7 years ago!

Jeeperscreepers69 · 09/07/2019 19:06

Tell them all your not going back to work for a year. Which is bog standard anyway. Then if they ask again just say piss off my buisness 🤣

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 09/07/2019 19:09

I know I’m late to the party OP but I only just managed to book a nursery space when I was 7 months pregnant- can’t remember who told me I needed to book ahead but I’m eternally grateful as all other local options would have caused me issues.

helloooomeee · 09/07/2019 19:13

YABU I had to tell my work before 25weeks if I intended to return to work and when.
I also know the nursery DC2 attends is very popular and I struggled to get the days I needed when I put his name down at around 8 weeks old. Pregnancy number 3 turned out to be twins. I put their names down as soon as I'd had my 12 week scan as needing 2 places I knew it would be much harder to get.

That said, YANBU to want to enjoy your pregnancy and the arrival of your DC. Whilst I would say you should be considering childcare options, it's of no concern to anyone else!

Flowerseverywhere · 09/07/2019 19:13

YABU. It can’t hurt to get organised and put your name down for a good nursery then just forget about it and enjoy your baby. If you go back to work you should be very grateful your MIL has offered to have the baby one day a week as it will really help with childcare costs which can be crippling. I wish I had that offer!

Carpetburns · 09/07/2019 19:35

Sadly, you do have to think ahead a bit- I had to put my daughter's name down on a waiting list to get into the same nursery as her or brother before she was even born! I would start thinking about options fairly quickly. Good luck with arrival of baby x

Superlooper · 09/07/2019 19:53

We booked our childminder when I was 3 months pregnant...wouldn't have got a place otherwise! A friend left it until half way through her maternity leave and really struggled to find someone, the place she got is a 20 min round trip in the wrong direction. Not good.

Loopytiles · 09/07/2019 19:55

YABU if you want good childcare choices.

Moominfan · 09/07/2019 19:56

Maybe it's just small talk? Seems a minor thing to get stressed about

Nearly47 · 09/07/2019 20:21

At least YOU should know what your plans are. Will you need to let your empower know when you want to come back, etc. If you plan to come back breeder sux months you definitely need to find childcare soon. At least have an idea of waiting lists.

Sara107 · 09/07/2019 20:28

I sorted out nursery before going on mat leave, I didn’t want that uncertainty hanging over me whilst dealing with a newborn. Booked a place then blocked nursery out of my mind until it was time to go back to work. I’ld be grateful for a mil who offered a day a week. She sounds a bit tactless in how she has said it, but she has made it very clear how much involvement she wants. After nearly 10 years I still have no idea what my mil expected from grand parenthood - would she have liked to be more hands on, be asked to help, have the child to stay? Is she disappointed in having had very little involvement? I don’t know. Dh and I had a major debate over a weekend once, would mil be delighted to have time alone with dd or would she be offended and feel we were using her? We never had the courage to ask.

ToftyAC · 09/07/2019 20:35

YANBU. We literally found a nursery place a week before I was due to go back to work. Our DS was 5, nearly 6, months old.

busyhonestchildcarer · 09/07/2019 21:02

Enjoy the moment! Enjoy your baby.Then when you feel ready and if its right for you look at your options.For there are more options than nurseries and for a very young child often a smaller environment with one constant adult is very important from an attachment point of view( under 3 s.but dont rush into anything,dont listen to anyone just go by what you feel is right ❤

Liketoshop · 09/07/2019 21:48

In 1994 I had to book my son's place in a nursery whilst pregnant. Nothing changes. I hated myself when that time came to take him there when six months old. He went two days pw.

celticprincess · 09/07/2019 22:05

My mother decided when I was pregnant that she was going to retire from her job and look after my child 2 days a week. It didn’t irritate me, it was helpful to be able to plan financially for it and actually meant I could extend my leave a little as I wasn’t going to be paying for childcare on return to work. I also had to sit and number crunch how many month I thought I’d be taking off so I can could plan and make sure we could afford it. It’s also a common question people ask. That what they do, not to upset or irritate, it’s like a standard question. When you get back you’ll be asked when you’re planning your next baby.

I think you are feeling hormonal and very tetchy and blowing things out of proportion slightly.

Dailyjunglegrind · 09/07/2019 23:18

Welcome to motherhood & the battery of questions, opinions and guilt that gets loaded on factor 50+ .. I suggest you get an education consultant also to figure out which nursery, pre prep you need to register to get the preferred school (prep & secondary).

A few years back and more recent neighbours had a education evening / meeting.. her c-section was still healing .. tbh I was 😳 but it’s better to be forewarned from others, than foolish.

DizzyMerry · 09/07/2019 23:26

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I can understand where you’re coming from. However, most people have to plan childcare in advance as most places are taken really quickly.

I also think it was nice of your MIL to offer childcare one day a week. Although she could have quite easily kept the rest of her comment to herself.

urkidding · 10/07/2019 00:17

YANBU. You feel put upon because you haven't made up your mind and checked your finances. Maybe you should listen and make a note of the nurseries. If you want to be a SAHM. start looking at your finances and start cutting back on inessentials eg do you really need that expensive contract or phone, get rid of services you don't use, buy second hand stuff. Examine part time jobs and opportunities at work. If you are well informed, you will feel in control.