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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

213 replies

Louray · 08/07/2019 12:39

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

OP posts:
georgialondon · 08/07/2019 20:14

It's just something People say.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 08/07/2019 20:23

Wow round here (Surrey) I’ve not heard of anyone having to be so organised! DSs go to the best nursery in the area and haven’t had to be on a waiting list, that seems really remarkable after reading this thread!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2019 20:28

Better to get it all sorted while you are of than stressing about it and trying to get it sorted once baby is here I’d say

Parttimewasteoftime · 08/07/2019 20:29

Yeah sorry OP my DS went on nursery waiting list when I was 8 months baby part time. Had a year off only got a place for one day grandparents saved us.

stucknoue · 08/07/2019 20:34

People reserve nurseries as soon as they are pregnant basically ... we'll certainly by third trimester. Oh and people are nosy

FlyingSpaghettiM0nster · 08/07/2019 20:38

YABU, nurseries can book up really quickly and life goes on... One day you will go back to work. You never know, you might actually hate your mat leave and be counting the days until you can go back to work, have a hot cup of tea, a break and actually have a wee in peace Wink

FenellaMaxwell · 08/07/2019 20:58

Just to put things into context - our nursery has no spaces until 2021. The baby room is already booked full of unborn babies who won’t be able to start until they are 1, even though the nursery theoretically takes babies from 6 months, because that’s the waitlist.....

fiorentina · 08/07/2019 21:05

Did you discuss whether you planned to work or be a SAHM with your partner previously? Do you have different plans/ideas? Otherwise it’s quite reasonable and sensible to plan and budget.

CatsLikeCoffeeToo · 08/07/2019 21:16

May have been mentioned upthread but if you use a childminder, you won't need to look this far in advance - it depends on what you're comfortable with and what choice is like in your area, but we've been very happy with childminders and they don't take bookings so far in advance as a rule...

SuzieQQQ · 08/07/2019 22:00

Chill out! Nurseries book up so fast! I had to book 9 months in advance to get into the one I wanted.

transformandriseup · 09/07/2019 14:24

When people have said that they were looking when they were 6 months pregnant for nurseries I didn’t know that people needed to look that early?
Clearly I’m clueless!

Me too, I don’t have a lot of friends with DCs so I didn’t know this at all. My DD is two months and I’ve only just started applying Blush

whothedaddy · 09/07/2019 14:34

I thought about childcare even before conceiving.
I knew I would have to go back to work and I wanted to know what my options were and how I was going to budget for them.

People are obviously concerned that you aren't even thinking about it. If you plan on being a SAHP that's fine and just answer with that, if you aren't you really need to be testing the waters. Surely your employers need to know what your rough plan is. I.E when you are going on ML, when you are comping back, KIT days, using holiday to extend leave. You should be looking at nurseries, childminders. You should be asking employers what are the chances of coming back full time/part time/ do they offer childcare vouchers etc (can you job share in your school)

The fact that you aren't even thinking about it is frightening me and I don't even know you OP

transformandriseup · 09/07/2019 16:18

I going to a baby shower on Saturday for a mum to be in my area. I will ask her what her plans are for going back to work as she hasn’t mentioned it and there is only one nursery in our area.

Leftielefterson · 09/07/2019 16:22

Tbh I think YABU - nursery spaces (the really good ones esp) get booked up quickly so it kinda makes sense. I am anally organised so this wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/07/2019 16:38

Sensible for people to give you heads up. Some areas nursery places book up far in advance. You’ll kick yourself if the one that’s most convenient or nicest doesn’t have space. It is a bit odd looking around when pregnant but needs must. Like looking at schools when you have a 3 yr old etc.

wallowinwater · 09/07/2019 17:29

I can see where you’re coming from, everything changes when your baby arrives, nobody, not even you can tell how you will feel. It’s good to know what your options might be though if and when you return to work. Nursery places may get booked up well in advance, but picking a place for an unborn child I have always found a bit unrealistic as you’re making a decision for a child you haven’t even met yet, so how can you choose?

fuckwitseverywhere · 09/07/2019 17:32

We viewed nurseries when my maternity leave started and put his name down after he was born while DH was on paternity leave. We wanted a popular one, and popular days.
My mum offered to do a day a week when I was about 8 weeks. She's had DS the same day every week for 3 years

Teacher22 · 09/07/2019 17:36

I still don't understand the comment about the MIL and the 'that' which you did not expect of her.

Are you cross because she said the world would not revolve around the GC for her?

Or annoyed because she said she wanted to help with the childcare and you think she should stay out of it?

Or irked because she only offered one day a week?

One day a week where the DC could be with a loving relative sounds like a great deal for the new baby and she will be saving you a fortune.

SundayGirlB · 09/07/2019 17:40

I know how you feel. Its just another bit of unsolicited advice to add to the mountain when your pregnant. Bit overwhelming. I've got a 2 month old now and used to hate it. I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant and do my own thing!

All I would say is don't totally discount it and try, however irritating, to take it as intended. Now I have my little boy I can see that there was a lot of value in all the advice I got when pregnant but shrugged off. It may make things easier on the other side!

vincettenoir · 09/07/2019 17:49

YNBU for not wanting to consider these issues at this stage or feeling frustrated. However those individuals are NBU for asking these questions, which are reasonable really. As someone who doesn’t have rellies nearby to help with childcare, I think you are lucky to have people around who have offered help.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 09/07/2019 18:02

YANBU at all to not want to think about going back to work if you can afford not to.

But i'd say YABU to even get pregnant without researched the childcare options and the cost before hand. So you need to have had a look at a couple of nurseries, and see what the schools wrap around care or childminders/nannies to see where you are going into.

If you are not in a rush to go back to work, then there isn't any issue.
It is true that the best nurseries get booked very quickly, and schools clubs even quicker! You don't have to look at schools obviously, but being aware of the cost of childcare is important in your decision to go back to work.

I think your MIL is fair to warn you early, save any awkwardness later.

Mayday19 · 09/07/2019 18:04

OP you wouldn't be the first mother to decide not to return to work straight after ML. I didn't know if I would want to be full or part time until I actually had the baby. I suspect you just feel rushed into the being back at work stage, before you have even had the newborn stage!
One day a week childcare from a relative may or may not be useful. In some ways one day is too little for a routine, and it may limit the other childcare places you can apply for.

IrmaFayLear · 09/07/2019 18:16

It seems that the OH assumes the OP is going back to work, as he messaged her about a nursery. I suspect the OP is hoping to be a SAHM but this may well not be affordable. It's one of those conversations that must be had, or else trouble lies ahead.

Witchtower · 09/07/2019 18:18

It can be annoying but it is the reality. Some nurseries can have up to a years waiting list. My nursery was 9 months. I already had 2 children there and it was the nursery that kept saying ‘put her name down now’ and I was shocked as my baby had just been born.

EllenMP · 09/07/2019 18:19

I think a lot of employers would like to know whether and when you plan to come back or not, so they know what kind of coverage to get for you. But you can always change your mind and decide not to. For everyone else, a simple "we haven't decided yet -- thought we would ask the baby once he's on the outside" should finish off the conversation.

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