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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when people talk about going back to work and putting unborn child into nursery?

213 replies

Louray · 08/07/2019 12:39

Haven’t even had the baby yet, but every time someone asks me what my plan is on coming back to work (haven’t even finished yet) then I get really upset and annoyed.
OH messaged me about a nursery he heard of and I felt like screaming. I don’t even know that gender of the baby yet never mind what nursery I’ll be putting it into and when! Can’t I just enjoy the excitement of it coming and then enjoy it actually being here?!
To top it all off my MIL said and I quote “I’m not going to be the type of grandparent who’s world revolves around their grandchild but I would like to have them one day a week when you go back”
I really bit my tongue. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 10/07/2019 00:26

I got a letter joyously offering me a place for my son at the posh nursery in town : he was three! I hadn't realised I was on the list, tbf, I went to look when pregnant and thought the manager was a mean-spirited fucker. Just as well the scruffy place next door had room at 9 months.

BackforGood · 10/07/2019 00:30

Fair play to you for conceding YABU.

If people don't talk about things, then how would any new parent get to know anything? Many people have pointed out you may need to be looking at Nurseries now (this varies, depending where you live), but you need to have some idea of your options, as this will mean you know what your costs will be and might mean you choose to go back earlier or you choose to have a longer leave.

Your MiL has also been helpful by putting her offer into the mix. You might, ot might not choose to take her up on it, but you can make an informed decision, now you know that she is prepared to look after your little one a day a week. How annoying would it be if you arranged all your childcare and then she said afterwards 'Oh, I would have had him / her one day a week' ?

Starrynights86 · 10/07/2019 00:33

Where I live, you need to get on the waiting lists while you are pregnant.

SD1978 · 10/07/2019 01:01

It depends really- how far along are you, and how long do you plan to take off on Maternity leave? Depending on your area, and how soon you are returning to work, some nurseries are very over subscribed. You may need to your multiple ones to find the one you like and waitlist on them. If you're taking a year off, you may be able to delay this, but some people are on a waitlist for a couple of years for some nurseries, and yes from the point of conception. MIL is offering one day a week, but won't be at your beck and call for child care- reasonable. I think you're juts sounding a bit frustrated but people may be making valid points.

1forAll74 · 10/07/2019 01:47

This is all ridiculous for you to hear. Just enjoy your pregnancy,enjoy having a new baby, enjoy looking after your new born,and don't go back to work.only when you decide to. I was of the SAHM brigade.as always thought it was awful to put a baby or small child into some nursery.

SD1978 · 10/07/2019 01:57

@1forAll74 - not everyone had the luxury of that decision.

RainbowMum11 · 10/07/2019 02:20

Surely you have at least an idea of a childcare plan when you start TTC. Both of you need to know what leave you are you hoping to take & how your jobs can be flexible and so how you can manage the childcare between you. It can be a huge cost so it's an important discussion for you to have, and a big part of your financial planning.
I don't get the problem unless you are in some sort of a bubble.

Beanie3 · 10/07/2019 02:44

Being a mum is a bloody hard job in it's own right. What do these people think happens when you have a baby, that you lie in bed all day reading glossies whilst being waited on hand and foot, your every whim pandered to?
If it was me being asked about my return to work, I'd tell them that I'm having a baby so that I can stay at home all day. That I tried working but didnt feel it suited me. That would give these people something to really talk about!
Just enjoy being a mum. X

MRex · 10/07/2019 06:43

I tried working but didnt feel it suited me
What a strange comment. OP is talking about when to organise childcare, not trying to write herself out of the employment market forever.

HigaDequasLuoff · 10/07/2019 06:50

The best nursery places will get booked up far in advance and you need to get on the waiting list whilst still pregnant. Tbh it's easier to view and choose nurseries whilst still pg so that you just look at the 1yo crawlers who are there, and see how much fun they are having. When your own baby is 3 months old it is really difficult to visualise what they will be like in 9 months time - your protective institincts go into overdrive and you want to protect them from these much older and larger babies. Also you will be virtually psychotic from sleep deprivation torture. You are better placed to make a good decision now.

It's OK to feel grumpy about people being unreasonably controlling and bossy about your future when you are growing a whole new person inside you. They have been unreasonable in the way they have assumed they know best. However, it is possible that upon mature reflection you may decide to independently choose something that someone else has been unreasonably pressuring you to do. That isn't "giving in" to the pressure, that's making the choice for yourself.

Sandybval · 10/07/2019 06:57

I wish someone had told me, I naievely just thought we will have a look at nurseries once she is here, but none had availability! Having to take longer off of work than planned whilst a space becomes available. My own fault, but it is good to consider now, once it's sorted don't have to really think about it again, better than stressing having that to deal with and going back to work at the same time.

RidingMyBike · 10/07/2019 10:00

They’re trying to be helpful. You’re making assumptions about what it’ll be like on maternity leave and how you’ll feel about returning to work, as I did! I thought it would be amazing, I like being at home and thought being at home with a baby would be wonderful. I expected to find going back to work really difficult, but actually I hated maternity leave, it felt like it lasted forever, and I was miserable and lonely (I had PND and no extended family support). I decided I wanted to return to work at six months but didn’t have childcare available until a year so had to stay on maternity leave for the full year. We couldn’t afford for DH to take shared parental leave. As for MIL helping - that’s really useful information to know! There are many threads on here of people moaning about grandparents not helping out! She could save you a fortune - our nursery (SE) is £80 a day!

So, scoping out your options now is sensible. If nothing else, it’s then sorted so you can concentrate on other things once the baby is here. If you get a space booked in nursery, you can then alter or amend it if necessary, which is a lot easier than if you don’t have a space booked at all. It’s also worth checking with your work the dates by which you’d need to notify them if you aren’t going to return (also check whether you’d need to pay back any enhanced maternity pay - we had to return to work for at least 3 months to keep it) and by what point you’d need to put in a flexible working request if, say, you want to go part-time.

Mumofone1858 · 10/07/2019 10:04

We had to book the nursery a year in advance as was popular and hard to get a place at. Ended up not putting him in nursery and working evenings, but if you want a good nursery the reality is you will probably have to book and put a deposit down really far in advance. I wouldn't say it's worth getting annoyed about though Flowers

Crazyeyes3 · 10/07/2019 10:07

I went to look at the nursery I wanted when I was 6 months pregnant. I then sent the paperwork in to secure a place once baby was born and I knew what name to put on the form.
Places do get booked up really quickly and I can not worry about it.

RidingMyBike · 10/07/2019 10:08

I was surprised when I looked into it how few childcare options there are locally. There are a lot of childminders and several nurseries. But when I actually started looking all the childminders and all but two of the nurseries were too far away for us to use (DH doesn’t drive so wouldn’t have been able to drop off/pick up).

Looked round those two nurseries, quickly realised that one didn’t have hours long enough to cover our work/commutes. And it seemed disorganised and not as good as the other. Which left us with one only one possible childcare option.

Nettie1964 · 10/07/2019 18:06

If you are annoyed now you won't have a very tranquil pregnancy!!! Everyone has an opinion/advice just let it go and enjoy. After your first you will be doing the same. Smile

Cutesbabasmummy · 10/07/2019 18:25

Agree with previous posters. My son's nursery has a waiting list for the youngest room. One of my friends has taken her son out and employed a nanny as they had no room.for her 9 month old daughter.

Velociraptorz · 10/07/2019 18:33

YANBU. Just because you don’t want to talk about it doesn’t mean you haven’t got a childcare plan. Just focus on being pregnant and welcoming your baby for just now. Fine if people want to think about stuff years ahead and get on waiting lists, but I’m with you OP.

Booyahkasha · 10/07/2019 18:35

Keep your career going! And your independence! Your mil sounds amazing!!!

33goingon64 · 10/07/2019 18:40

None of those things bothered me but I guess different people think differently. We put unborn baby name down at nursery because places were rare and we knew we could cancel if we wanted.

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2019 18:49

My son was on the nursery waiting list for years

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/07/2019 18:49

2 years I mean

Emmapeeler · 10/07/2019 18:51

I registered with the best nursery in my town when I was about 16 weeks pregnant, and got offered a space when DD was 2 years.

Just saying...

(By that point I had found a childminder).

LovelyIssues · 11/07/2019 09:56

erm YABU Confused you need to make a plan and good nurseries v quickly get booked up. I think it's a completely normal question

formerbabe · 11/07/2019 10:10

The mil comment sounds fine to me.

I think she wanted to make it clear she doesn't want to provide you with full time childcare but is happy to help occasionally and spend time with her gc.