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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it a fact that all women are afraid of men?

216 replies

Fakenametodayhey · 08/07/2019 10:32

I feel scared popping to the shop at night and my boyfriend doesn't get it. I would rather he go because I think he would be safer than me. I dont actually 'think' it but i feel it.
He thinks i am being lazy but i dont mind in the daytime.

I have spoken to a few women about this and the consensus seems to be that we all feel scared walking alone at night, in secluded areas or open ones, and will be on alert if they are alone and it's late.

I was always taught (through actions and words) that me and my sister were not safe to go alone (despite being older) but my brother was safe- even though he is considerably younger than us both.

I can go for a midnight walk down the canal with a male family member and feel completely safe, but when i have gone on a walk in the evening on a busy road alone or even with a female friend or family member (or even 2 or 3) i feel on edge. And generally they do too.

I have asked my boyfriend, male cousins, dad and my brother and they couldn't believe that we actually felt scared.
Im not the only one who holds their keys in their pocket like its a weapon- just incase.

So i guess my question is this- am i being unreasonable crossing the road/ avoiding going out at night etc? Or is it just a 'symptom' if being the 'weaker sex'?
No debate- me and my family are all small women and a man could easily- well, you know.

Also is it different if you are bigger/ stronger?

OP posts:
Pandamodium · 09/07/2019 09:37

A thread where women are discussing women's fear of male violence isn't a place for you to tell us that we are silly and wrong. Anymore thank i would go onto a thread for black people and tell them that the statistics show that racism hardly ever happens and even if it does, they probably will escape with only cuts and bruises so calm down dear.

Just this.

Every thread discussing male violence has a man come on with his manly whinging to tell us how wrong we are and NAMALT. No shit Sherlock but the ones who are violent don't wear a sign advertising it. This thread is about how women feel if you have a penis your opinion isn't required.

JacquesHammer · 09/07/2019 09:43

Every thread discussing male violence has a man come on with his manly whinging to tell us how wrong we are and NAMALT

Yup. And add in a sprinkling of MRAs and you have a full house of how, yet again, the actual experience of women must come second to the feelz of men.

CookPassBabtridge · 09/07/2019 10:08

No I feel safe everywhere I go and have always walked at night, but I've never had a negative experience with a man or been attacked etc. If I had I would feel differently I'm sure.

Sagradafamiliar · 09/07/2019 10:17

Male violence affects everyone. I'd like to see males confront the problem as opposed to a) deny it b) quote some statistics saying there's more chance of them being attacked c) get defensive about the fact.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 09/07/2019 10:33

It's never unhelpful to requote the much-missed tehbewilderness's Rules of Misogyny:

The rules of misogyny
1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.
2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.
3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.
4th rule of misogyny: Women's opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.
5th rule of misogyny: WATM! Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.
6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.
7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.
9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the "real reasons" for everything women do and say.
10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.
11th rule of misogyny: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.
12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.
13th rule of misogyny: Women are not oppressed! Rape and catcalling and objectification are all compliments, not oppression.

14th rule of misogyny: Women have all the rights they need: The right to remain silent.

Badcat666 · 09/07/2019 10:33

@Fakenametodayhey I'm curious as to why you skipped over any reply which had "I grew up with brothers" comment in it?

I'm sorry, don't our (female) views count with regards your question on "are all women afraid of men" if we grew up with humans who happen to have penises instead of vaginas?

Do you think we have been "brainwashed" into not fearing the male species because of this?

Not really told this to many people but here it goes... My brothers were very protective of me (large age gap between us) and between the ages of 13-14 I was subjected to someone posting hardcore and sick pornographic images with a pic of my head pasted on all the images of the females in a booklet form addressed to me through our letterbox.

I'm talking really hardcore (only saw one image mind you, i was not allowed to pick up the post after that first time) Police were involved and I spent a year never being allowed out of sight of a family member and sometimes the police.

Not a fun time having to leave lessons early so either the police or family member could drive me home, no fun not being allowed out with my friends to roam about shops in case the person was following me, no fun not being allowed to even pop out to the shops 4 minutes away in case the person was planning to kidnap me.

But I never grew up fearing men, I just realised that their were sick bastards and horrible humans out there in the big wide world who wanted to scare and hurt me. To this day I have no idea if it was male/ female or both! I just know that a human wanted to frighten or even worse, hurt me.

You asked the question "Are all women afraid of men", you shouldn't just skim over replies that don't agree with you.

Not having a go or anything, just explaining further why you shouldn't skip a post just because that female grew up with male siblings.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 09/07/2019 10:37

Nope, I used to walk home alone from nightclubs when I was uni. Scariest thing I saw was a burning car.

Buddytheelf85 · 09/07/2019 10:54

I’m not afraid of men in the sense that I don’t have a phobia of them, but I don’t think that’s what you were getting at.

However, as many other posters have said, I do perform pretty much constant sub-conscious risk assessments about my safety. I was walking in some beautiful but isolated woods yesterday. I took out my headphones and was alert to every noise. I didn’t dawdle, especially in darker parts of the wood. I made sure I headed home well before the light faded.

That’s a risk assessment that a) I wouldn’t have performed had my DH been there and b) I am pretty confident my DH wouldn’t have felt any need to perform had he been walking alone in the woods.

All humans - men and women - perform constant sub-conscious risk assessments, and all humans assess risk differently and therefore reach different conclusions. Is it safe to cross the road here? Is it safe to let my child play here? Is it safe to swim here? Some people conclude yes, some conclude no. But I do believe that women are burdened with an additional layer of risk assessment in lots of situations as a result of male behaviour. That’s not the same as being afraid of men.

Branleuse · 09/07/2019 11:01

When I was younger I didnt feel as scared. As ive got older I am wiser and I take far more precautions and keep my wits about me, especially regarding men.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 09/07/2019 11:10

@BuzzShitbagBobbly
That's the biggest load of bull I red in hereHmm
Literally never in my life have I encountered anyone normal spouting any of that points except abusers.

CustardCreamLover · 09/07/2019 11:32

@NinjaInFluffyPJs I think you've missed the point of that post.....

Lweji · 09/07/2019 15:31

NinjaInFluffyPJs

You may have never found any of those statements said explicitly, but if you pay attention, you'll find versions of them everywhere.

SuzieQQQ · 10/07/2019 09:00

I will always remember a talk at school from a detective who came to speak about safety’s Nd crime. He said 98% of crimes committed are opportunistic. They aren’t planned. So I do actively make an effort not to put myself in situations where I could be the victim of a crime. It’s not right, but sadly that’s the world we live in.

Cherylshaw · 10/07/2019 09:24

I'm not scared of men, the only time any violence has happened to me when I have been out has been from women. I'm more weary of groups of drunk women and do cross the road. I was randomly attacked as a teenager twice by drunk girls and it was men who had to pull them off me both times.

corythatwas · 10/07/2019 09:42

It is perfectly possible to take ordinary precautions without living in constant fear of something.

My day is not eaten up by constant apprehension of being run over and I do not stay indoors for fear of motor cars. But I do still look before I cross the road and if at all possible try to cross at the lights.

CynthiaRothrock · 10/07/2019 11:03

4ft 11 and weigh 7st5. I have never been afraid to walk to the shops on a night. There are streets i will avoid but that is more due to gangs of kids than anything else. I have been mugged twice one by a male.once by a female. The female scared me more!
But i suppose it depends on where you live, and what the area is like. I have lived in bith small towns and very large cities. The villages and small towns make me warier than a city.

I would suggest a self defence class for you it will help build your confidence.

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