Is it a fact that all women are afraid of men?

[Fakenametodayhey]

I feel scared popping to the shop at night and my boyfriend doesn't get it. I would rather he go because I think he would be safer than me. I dont actually 'think' it but i feel it.
He thinks i am being lazy but i dont mind in the daytime.

I have spoken to a few women about this and the consensus seems to be that we all feel scared walking alone at night, in secluded areas or open ones, and will be on alert if they are alone and it's late.

I was always taught (through actions and words) that me and my sister were not safe to go alone (despite being older) but my brother was safe- even though he is considerably younger than us both.

I can go for a midnight walk down the canal with a male family member and feel completely safe, but when i have gone on a walk in the evening on a busy road alone or even with a female friend or family member (or even 2 or 3) i feel on edge. And generally they do too.

I have asked my boyfriend, male cousins, dad and my brother and they couldn't believe that we actually felt scared.
Im not the only one who holds their keys in their pocket like its a weapon- just incase.

So i guess my question is this- am i being unreasonable crossing the road/ avoiding going out at night etc? Or is it just a 'symptom' if being the 'weaker sex'?
No debate- me and my family are all small women and a man could easily- well, you know.

Also is it different if you are bigger/ stronger?

@IcedPurple thats kinda my point... the statistic saying men are more likely to be attacked does not have any context.

@IcedPurple thats kinda my point... the statistic saying men are more likely to be attacked does not have any context.

Surely the 'context' is that whether you are male or female, random attacks in public places are very rare? Unless you live in a very grim neighbourhood, you're highly unlikely to come to harm going to the shops, or going about your nomal activities, at night.

OP - I think your DP sounds horrible. He shouldn’t minimise your feelings, not should he call you “lazy” fgs! There’s no way my DH wouid expect me to go out at night if he could go instead. Ridiculous!

I don't think them not getting it when you "freaked out" at a van when you're out and about is just a male thing though, I'm female and don't think it's proportionate to really freak out (your words) at the sight of one.
Not all women have that level of fear

No,

These days,I think it's not just men that we should be afraid of.......

That's rape myth No 101. False accusations of rape are less common than false accusations of other crimes. So is it reasonable for women to fear the small risk of an attack on the way to the shops but it is unreasonable for a man to fear the small risk of a false allegation?* Surely if one is reasonable then so is the other or neither is reasonable.

I generally either feel scared, or assess my safety level when out at night.
Once my bf rearranged my car lights so that they didn’t come on as I unlocked the car. Getting in to my car in a car park that night I was really scared, I needed those lights.
He was amazed, but quickly saw it , apologised and altered his world view.

I feel quite scared and avoid particular routes. I'm ok walking around my village but i'd stick to the main paths. I've had a number of upsetting incidents on public transport and don't really like trains in particular outside of the main busy times so have gradually avoided them. I do also get a fear response to a man slowing down in a van to ask directions more than I do woman, or on coming across a group of men in hoodies compared to seeing a group of girls walking along.

No I am not afraid of men when walking out at night time, I am just generally not comfortable , I would feel just as uncomfortable or intimidated if there was woman heading towards, following me in the night. It's not a gender thing for me.

No, and I’ve been assaulted but I’m not going to let that hold me back.

But please, men on this thread (plus the OP's DP) tell us what you do every day to make sure you don't get raped.
I know this is rhetorical but I'll answer.

I have never feared being a victim of rape: it is obviously extremely unlikely to happen to me. I have, however, been subject to unprovoked violence on several occasions (I'd estimate around 7 or 8 times). Oddly, the most recent was by a woman, with a glass bottle in broad daylight in a city centre. It's usually men though.

I do go to the shops at night without fear when setting off, but I do feel fearful if I pass a group of people (particularly men and/or drunk people).

There are places that I wouldn't walk readily alone at night (parks, secluded paths). I fear violence when I perceive myself as vulnerable to it.

I will be equally worried about DD and DS when they grow up and have to face the streets, for different reasons.
There is no fear anymore, we think we have snowflake teens no, when in reality lots of them are fearless these days.

@bumblingbovine49
OP here

Thank you, firstly, for actually giving me an answer. I should have known things would be off topic on aibu.
Not gonna lie- any answer with 'i grew up with brothers' in it- i promptly skipped over.

I didn't actually put into account that my dp is at more risk of violence than me. I feel terrible now.

I just wanted to let you know that i really dont think that he is minimising my feelings- i think he is more in the line of 'well you might as well be afraid of lightning hitting you aswell as rape or whatever else'

There are quite a few creepy blokes who live near me though, who i see on a daily basis who have made inappropriate comments and who coould quite easily get me if the opportunity arose.

I really just dont think he gets how i can be scared. Even though we live in a notoriously bad area. (I cried when i moved in- beggers cant be choosers though) and i have seen more fights and crashes out of my window here than anywhere else.

@fakenametodayhey

Don't feel bad about anything. Statistics are facts but they are by definition averages so not always helpful in specific cases. Your update about the area you live in suggests that it is your DP being a bit reckless rather than you being very paranoid. I wouldn't want to go out late in the circumstances you have since described either but I also.wouldnt want my DP. going out in them.

I do however still think your DP is being quite unsympathetic to your fears and actually as you live in an area that you say is not considered the safest both you and your DP should take this into account. The fact that he isn't doing that and is dismissing your fears out of hand is somewhat arrogant of him as he feels he knows better than you but he almost certainly does not.

Also he is also not listening to your experience of being hassled and the understandable fear that provokes in you which does.not.show him in the best light tbh. As a woman you are more likely to get verbal sexist hassle which is very unpleasant and can be scary, he should.be wiling to listen to. your experience and not dismiss it out of hand.

Then again, I think that recklessness about safety that many young men have is probably a big part of the reason they are both the perpetrators and victims of a lot of.violent crime

I just also wanted to say also to trust your instincts if you see anyone acting in a way that you don't like. Don't worry about them beinng offended. If you are wrong

No, I'm not afraid of men. I have always walked alone at night, I walk my dog alone last thing before bed around my estate etc. The only man who ever attacked me was a boyfriend.

I think the posters are saying they aren't scared are missing the point or not being honest with themselves.

Perhaps scared is the wrong word. Cautious, or wary, might be better. We make hundreds of judgements all the time about whether a person is safe - there are tons of non-verbal cues before you even evaluate their words or direct actions. I do this far, far, more with men than woman as they are obviously far more likely to be a physical threat than another woman.

I've never had a bad experience as such but I don't walk anywhere on my own at night ever ..I'm a very strong feisty person but I see it as a pre caution to be honest...

I live in a general safe semi-rural area, an AONB, very pretty lots of footpaths, people come here to walk at the weekends. Yet where I walk/run regularly on my own or with the dog, and have always felt safe, a woman was sexually assaulted, at 7.30pm on a summer's evening last year. A few years ago someone was sexually assaulted walking home from the train station in the early evening. There is some risk, however small.

When I was younger hardly a week went by without being catcalled or harrassed in some way, or having my bum grabbed on a night out, that kind of thing. Occasionally there were more threatening things like being followed home. As I say, it hasn't made me fearful, but it's understandable for women to be wary and cautious of men, particularly about putting yourself into situations where it's you on your own in a non-public place, or even a public place sometimes, with a man. The number of men around who pose a problem to women is a minority but a significant minority. Men commit by far the vast majority of violent and sexual offences, not always against women, but male violence, and male on female violence, sexual assault and harassment is a significant problem in the UK and the rest of the world.

OP - I hear you. I'm (pleasantly) surprised by the number of posters' replies here saying that they never feel concerned.

I think the fundamental issue for me is that, like you, I don't think I have that good a chance of overpowering the average male. Speaking to DP recently about this exact issue we settled on that tipping the balance. However unlikely the statistics say attacks are, the knowledge that I would probably struggle to stop one is what makes me hold my breath when a place is deserted apart from the man walking hurriedly towards you, or the car that slows down next to you and does another loop to come by again...

For DP it is difficult to imagine that feeling but he gets why it's there, and, sadly, thinks there's something in it. He always says I should take a taxi past a certain time or night/in certain areas, whereas I know he feels fine making the same journey.

One thing to maybe look into is self defence? I had a few classes when I lived in a foreign city as a teenager and they did help to show it's not just about physical strength. I've been meaning to revisit some of that.

Totally get it.

I'm rural but once walking up a long deserted street saw a tall bloke in a hoodie coming towards me so I crossed the road and stuck my keys between my fingers.

Tall hoody bloke was my bloody teenage brother

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

I note all your statistic. However telling me that I’ve only a 2 per cent chance a year of being attacked ( and it being reported ) doesn’t really reassure me. Because

1. I’ve lived for 50 years so that 2per cent a year adds up.

1. Most threats and assaults on women are not reported.

1. Escaping with only minor cuts and bruises doesn't make it all ok. Nor does it mean it wont have a serious detrimental effect on my life. If I’m threatened by a man on the way home from work on the Tube , I still have to deal with that fear of it happening again EVERY SINGLE DAY or i have to quit my job. That’s a consequence that doesn't show up in statistics.

1. Every single woman I know ( bar two ) have been sexually assaulted by a man. They have been groped in clubs, grabbed by colleagues, rapped by dates, sexually assaulted by partners . Their lack of cuts and bruises reported to a doctor DOENT MAKE IT OK.

So I’d be pleased if you would stop gaslighting women and basically implying that we are over reacting because gosh men have it so much worse. And that our lived experience isn't real because you know Statistics .

A thread where women are discussing women's fear of male violence isn't a place for you to tell us that we are silly and wrong. Anymore thank i would go onto a thread for black people and tell them that the statistics show that racism hardly ever happens and even if it does, they probably will escape with only cuts and bruises so calm down dear.

Plus now there is the whole gaunlet to run of incels and people who think porn stuff is normal, or sex is about winning, and just a whole load of men who are really angry at women, or get their kicks from hurting women, if you are in the dating game. There is a lot of toxic masculinity out there.

I might sometimes feel scared, just an irrational feeling/too many horror movie type thing - I’m certainly not scared “of men”

A thread where women are discussing women's fear of male violence isn't a place for you to tell us that we are silly and wrong. Anymore thank i would go onto a thread for black people and tell them that the statistics show that racism hardly ever happens and even if it does, they probably will escape with only cuts and bruises so calm down dear.

I said NO!, up thread, but this ⬆️⬆️⬆️ is spot on

I didn't say no because I've never had hassle from guys quite the opposite, I've probably dealt with the full monty of male harassment in my time. Stalked more than once, followed home, flashed at, groped, raped, seriously threatened with gang rape at 14 by a gang of squaddies who were dumb enough not to realise that it would be my dad who would be dealing with them when they were arrested & there are no rules in the military, ad infinitum

I said no because I'm not someone to take shit from anyone & have beaten the shit out of a guy who groped me in a dark alley & tried to pin me against a wall & punched a guy in the tube for similar, had a stalker take to one side & threatened to crush his fingers (musician) if he didn't disappear etc etc.

I'm only not afraid because I CHOOSE not to let the shits win & thankfully know many great guys who really wouldn't even considered treating women in this way to redress the balance & help me find a place in my mind where I can be okay with that & I know I have a very bad temper to call on in such situations. We don't all have that luxury