Is it a fact that all women are afraid of men?

[Fakenametodayhey]

I feel scared popping to the shop at night and my boyfriend doesn't get it. I would rather he go because I think he would be safer than me. I dont actually 'think' it but i feel it.
He thinks i am being lazy but i dont mind in the daytime.

I have spoken to a few women about this and the consensus seems to be that we all feel scared walking alone at night, in secluded areas or open ones, and will be on alert if they are alone and it's late.

I was always taught (through actions and words) that me and my sister were not safe to go alone (despite being older) but my brother was safe- even though he is considerably younger than us both.

I can go for a midnight walk down the canal with a male family member and feel completely safe, but when i have gone on a walk in the evening on a busy road alone or even with a female friend or family member (or even 2 or 3) i feel on edge. And generally they do too.

I have asked my boyfriend, male cousins, dad and my brother and they couldn't believe that we actually felt scared.
Im not the only one who holds their keys in their pocket like its a weapon- just incase.

So i guess my question is this- am i being unreasonable crossing the road/ avoiding going out at night etc? Or is it just a 'symptom' if being the 'weaker sex'?
No debate- me and my family are all small women and a man could easily- well, you know.

Also is it different if you are bigger/ stronger?

I live in a city that has long had a reputation for being terrifying, yet I’ve never once felt unsafe here, even years ago out drinking and occasionally ending up alone late at night.

However when I lived in London I was constantly on edge and more than once I felt unsafe.

BUT what I was scared of was “people” rather than specifically men.

I don’t feel in life I go around being scared of men at all. Men AND women can be evil, nasty, dodgy etc etc, I think it’s better to have a radar for general bad vibes than to assume that all men are scary and bad.

I would hate to think women looked at my DH or DB and felt scared, or any of my lovely male friends.

I think the man hating thing at the moment (perpetuated by the media) has gone way too far.

No, it's not a fact that all women are afraid of men.
I'm certainly not.
I'm not about to start curtailing my freedom by being too scared to walk out by myself.
This thread reminds me of when I went for a weekend away in a big city with the parents and decided to go for a walk around the local shops after dark.
"You might get mugged" "It's not safe by yourself"
Erm, it's a huge city, well lit roads, tube stations everywhere, and I'm nearly 40 years old ffs

No one has claimed they are, though.

I know, I was just following the logic on my own track. Since men are statistically more likely to be AT RISK of violence, it is interesting to note whether or not men also feel at risk, since they are at risk the same sector that women are.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad has laid out some excellent stats.

You are unlikely to be attacked.
You are unlikely to be attacked by a stranger.
If you are attacked, it is unlikely to result in more than minor injury.

Again - my husband probably has greater awareness and risk assessment than me. I grew up in a household with just my brother and dad, both absolute softies. My area was very safe, rural, no street lighting whatsoever. You were more likely to be startled by a deer or fox than another human in the twilight. My only fear came from watching Buffy!

My husband was mugged twice on the way to school, and once saw a dead body. But though my attitude to risk is on the less cautious side, it's more in line with the stats.

I feel very aware. Vigilant and wary rather than outright scared, I suppose. I’m small but very strong, but my strength doesn’t really make me feel any more confident, as male upper body strength is generally still far superior to mine.

Imoen I find your comments about victim mentality and how you are brought up deeply offensive.

So do I. Not only because I've been a victim of rape, two instances of serious stalking and sustained sexual harrassment (and my story is by no means unique) but because a far-too-high percentage of young girls do grow up to fear men because of the treatment they receive at their hands. Look at the statistics of male-on-female violence. Aside from disease, (and even maybe alongside it), what is the biggest killer of women on a global scale? Answer: men.

There are a lot of wonderful, good men out there. And unfortunately, there are also a lot of abusers. As it's impossible to see at face value which the abusive ones are, this means they should all be initially be treated with suspicion. This is not a 'victim mentality'. It's the mentality of a survivor.

Rape victims do not become victims because they are somehow less 'strong' than other women or project the aura of 'poor little victim' (how utterly offensive). It's the assumption that 'this happens to other people and not to me' that's thoroughly naive, and perhaps the voice of a victim in the making. Not so funny, or as easy to be flippantly dismissive, when it happens personally to you. And #MeToo has shown us this much at least: a woman who makes it through life having experienced no violence, intimidation, assault or sexual inappropriateness at the hands of a man is unfortunately a very rare woman.

Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is a book every woman should read. Please buy it: read it today. It could quite literally save your life.

OP - #MeToo. YANBU.

I’m not afraid of men. Never have been

I think it completely depends on where you live/are walking.

I would happily walk around where I live at night but certainly wouldn't feel that way everywhere.

I was talking to my husband about this not so long ago. He was complaining about the unfairness about womens only gyms and asking how it that equal bla bla bla. I had to explain the him that womens only gyms arent about fairness or vanity they're about protected spaces that keep woman safe. If a man was on his own late at night in a gym with 5 other women he might womder if hes being watched or judged. A woman on her own with 5 other men might wonder if she's safe. I dont think men will ever really understand it

It's not a fact that all women are afraid of men. I am not. However I know many of my female friends/family members feel exactly the same as you.

Have the suspicion that stranger danger is somewhat exaggerated in the common consciousness in order to keep women in doors... Vast majority of violence against women is committed by perpetrators who are known to the victim.

Hi @MarielVanArkleStinks. Can I just pursue your logic a moment? I'm among the 1 in 3 victims of domestic abuse who is a man. I experienced domestic abuse and domestic violence at the hands of my ex-wife. The statistics say there are also many abusers who are female, and I've lived that experience. I also can't see at face value which are absuers and whicb are not, so are you also arguing that all women should also be viewed with suspicion?

I don't, by the way. I like women. I respect them. I know that, despite my experience, most women are good people. Mostly, I just think it's a terribly sad way to live if either men or women go through life viewing people of the opposite sex as the enemy. I prefer to take the view that the majority of people - male or female - are decent, good people. There are bad apples out there, sure.

But I don't want to tarnish an entire sex on the basis of what one troubled person did to me, any more than I would want to view every muslim person as a potential terrorist just because the people who attacked the city I work in on 7/7 a few years ago were muslims. That way lies division and enmity - the future is bright only when we all come together to condemn the bad apples irrespective of who they are. Rather than branding an entire group of people as the problem based on a sjngle characteristic that they happen to share.

I am not scared of men, at all.

I’m not scared to go out at night or walk by myself. I have done it many times and will again.

I don’t hold my keys in my hand in my pocket, I don’t cross the street if a male is walking up towards me. It doesn’t even cross my mind.

I work in what is generally regarded as a fairly rough area of London and regularly work late, which means walking to the tube station on my own. The one time I wondered about it was when I saw three youths approaching me and realised that I was potentially vulnerable. I dropped my bag, one of them approached me, picked it up and handed it to me. I haven't worried about the walk subsequently.

Perhaps the pp meant 'victim mentality' ie once you have been a victim of violence/sexual assault, you are (understandably) more wary and fearful?

Not that it was your victim mentality that lead to you being attacked. That would be ridiculous.

I am not 'scared' of men but I am wary/cautious of men I do not know. Although I am ancient now (61) when I was younger and more likely to be alone late at night I took precautions to ensure my safety as much as possible. While it is possible to be attacked by females ( and in fact I was as a 12 year old) it's more likely to be by a man and I am small so watchful of physical strength. Most men will never experience the world as women do so cannot truly empathise. But you shouldn't be 'scared' day to day. If you are genuinely anxious to this stage maybe try something g to boost your confidence, self defence classes ?

Underpasses and long footbridges make me uneasy, even in the day time. Doesn't matter who is on there with me, I'm paying attention to them. In general though, I would say I'm aware of who is around me and how they're behaving more if I'm alone, and even more if I'm alone and it's dark and/or very quiet. If a group of drinking, laughing and yelling teenagers are ahead of me, I'll be changing my route no matter if they're girls, boys or a mix. I am of course no doubt doing some amazing young people a great injustice by this reaction, but discretion is the better part of valour sometimes.

I'll walk alone at night in the city I live in, but I'm always on high alert and will get my keys between my fingers if I feel like there's a man suspiciously close to me. I also tense up a little when I walk past a man in the dark. I'm not afraid to the point of not going out at night, but safety is always on my mind.

I’m wary of it but not outright afraid.

I was attacked in my early 20’s and that set me back hugely, to the point where I was terrified of leaving my home alone day or night. But after time and a lot of effort I can now go out when I please.

I’m a night owl and love the quiet of walking outside when the world is asleep.

I only moved to the area I live in this year so still getting used to the place. My cat went missing for a few days/nights so I went out at night with a pouch of dreamies to try and find said cat. DH was at home with the twins asleep.

One guy gave me the creeps, he seemed to go the exact same direction as me no matter how many side streets/footpaths I went down. So I did feel a bit afraid, sped up and made my way back to the very well lit main road where there were two very drunk lads coming back from a night out. I approached them and asked if they’d seen my cat very loudly and the bloke who’d been following me came out onto the main road and saw me with them, turned and walked up the road in the opposite direction.

The two drunk lads didn’t give me any concerns so I think there’s an element of trusting instinct - which I did and bless them they staggered about a bit trying to find my cat for me. I let them leave when I said I saw the cat turning a corner (I didn’t but bless them they needed to get home).

So yes, my alertness level is heightened when I’m out at night alone, but I’m no longer afraid of any and all men.

It depends on area of course, where I lived before this was a very rough area, so DH was adamant that if we needed any late night trips to the local shop he would go. Oddly he got more hassle than I ever did in our old area (before I met him I’d go out to the shops or come back late from a night out alone and rarely had any trouble).

I am not afraid of men and I don't do a mental risk assessment if I go out alone. I am fully aware that the vast majority of violence is committed by men, but I still think that unless you live in an area with very high crime rates, the chances of you being attacked are very very small.

I live in a fairly rural area now, which has very low crime rates, but I have lived in London and I certainly happily walked around unaccompanied by a man. The closest I ever got to being assaulted was by an angry drunk man and that was walking with dh. The man was much more aggressive towards dh than towards me.

I think people have poor risk analysis tbh. Probably one of the more dangerous things you can do is drive a car, yet people do that every day without a thought.

I think people put a bit too much store in the idea that men being a bit bigger somehow makes them safer on the streets, as if violence plays out like a boxing match played by Queensbury Rules.

If you watch footage of street violence size often has little to nothing to do with it. Unfortunately it is the capacity and willingness to use violence in an instant that marks out the people to be worried about, not their physical size.

Most men I know would just about be at the shouting “what are you playing at?” stage when the aggressor is already mentally committed to glassing them or stabbing them with something, at which point it’s all over in moments and size means absolutely nothing.

If you’re a Trainspotting fan I always think of the character of Begbie, small but horrifyingly willing to hurt people. Most civilised people wouldn’t have a chance against someone like that, it’s just a completely different mindset.

I was brought up to be cautious. Statistically, it's true that young men are more likely to get into a fight but if you are a small, timid woman, statistics don't come into it.

Women can be attacked in broad daylight on a footpath, an alley or a street. It is self preservation to avoid going out at night by yourself and it's a shame that your DP doesn't understand. I'd be a little nervous going out to post a letter in the dark - and the postbox is only 100 yards away on a suburban street. I probably would be safe - but over-confidence can lead to dangerous situations We all feel safe - until something nasty happens. Always trust your instincts.

No. But I've been lucky enough not to experience any violent or abusive men. If I had, my feelings might be different. I grew up knowing I had to take sensible precautions, but also knowing that that can't ultimately keep you safe.

The only time in my life I ever felt really vulnerable was when I was pregnant. I was very aware that it was not just my life I had to worry about any more.

No I'm not scared of men or scared of going to the shops at night. I think young men are the group most at risk of a violent attack aren't they?

It depends.

Normal streets - not a problem.

An alleyway / dark area / canal pathway or anything like that. I wouldn't walk at night on my own unless I really had to and then would be quite nervous until it was done.

I'm on my guard but it's more the area we used to live in, than being afraid of men. Was more concerned with teenage boys trying to mug me for my phone than grown men assaulting me.

I grew up with a violent, agressive abusive father and gave as good as I got when I got older. With other men I'm more likely to go in to fight or flight mode and absolutely batter them on auto pilot if they ever tried to assault me (I'm not slight, or weak) and front as big as they can.

A guy tried to grab me once when I was 15. He ended up with a broken nose and femur. 🤷 Poor him.

No but my poor flat mate was sexually assaulted at 6pm in a nice residential area so not complacent. Only time I was mugged dh was with me and it was on the Paris metro