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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

180 replies

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:21

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 08/07/2019 09:25

It is a big change for you but have you considered how difficult it is for your DH? I think him being your carer would end up putting a huge strain on your marriage; few would survive that;being together 24/7 and as a carer. Plus financially is it not better for him to be working? Your whole post has me, I not once have you considered his side/feelings.

AliceAbsolum · 08/07/2019 09:26

Yeah I'd feel sad that he doesn't want to spend time with me. But it would change the nature of your relationship and perhaps he would be bored and miserable at home?

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2019 09:26

Did you post about this a while ago - before carera were in place? If there’s a carer there all day and you can still do things with/for the kids, in what way do you think that your husband’s return to work is putting his job before the them?

glasshalfsomething · 08/07/2019 09:26

Gently, I didn’t want to read and run!
Sounds like you’ve made a hard, but right decision. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to let other people in to your home; I hope you find solace in the fact they’re there to help your family grow and relax more.

MatildaTheCat · 08/07/2019 09:26

Of course YANBU but on the other hand, perhaps nor is he. It just sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I think you have posted before?

This will be new and hard to get used to but it is possible that given time you will learn to like the people who help you and hopefully they will enhance your life. No need to feel guilty about asking them to do things when perhaps you would with DH?

It might be a small adjustment but would calling this ‘help’ rather than ‘care’ make it easier to bear?

Best wishes. I hope it works out better than you fear.

TabbyMumz · 08/07/2019 09:27

If you need minimal things doing for you and he had it easy, why do you need a carer all day? From what you have said, re your husbands work, am I right in thinking this may not be a permanent thing, ie you may recover to some extent?
I took time of work work recently to be a carer, but now back in work. I'm the only earner in our household now, so have to work. Your husband needs to carry on with life, to get some normality.

multiplemum3 · 08/07/2019 09:29

How has your husband let the children down? I understand you're in a rubbish place but you're being very unfair to him.

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/07/2019 09:29

Did you choose your own carer or have you gone with an agency? I often see adverts for a personal assistant type helper for people so if you've gone with an agency, maybe consider a PA or two so you can build up a better relationship with someone who is helping you.

Would your finances have taken a hit/been a struggle with dh being at home?

It's understandably a big thing to get used to. But it also means (hopefully) that your dh can fulfil his role as your husband, rather than as a person who provides care to you. It gives you both back that husband/wife bond and will hopefully mean a strong relationship remains.

Carers are also told to make sure they make time for 'self care'. Your dh continuing to work might be his way of looking after himself so he is in a strong position to look after you and his children.

SoyDora · 08/07/2019 09:29

Not everyone has the mental capacity to deal with being a SAHP. Or the desire. I am at home with my children by choice and I still find it really difficult and often quite miserable. Your DH has been honest, he’s not cut out for it.
Also, I imagine your financial situation is better if he works?

Bourdic · 08/07/2019 09:33

I can understand you feeling sad - especially as you are so young. I’m more than twice your age with a progressive disabling condition and every little thing that I can no longer do for myself makes me sad but nothing in my situation compares with yours. However, I agree that your husband going back to work is best for him and therefore for you and therefore the whole family. He’s a young man still and the last thing you want is for him to become increasingly resentful about the limits caring for you places on his life.

onalongsabbatical · 08/07/2019 09:36

Gosh you must have such complicated feelings about this and I’m not a bit surprised you’re feeling sad. But I just wanted to say this – I really hope that your carers turn out to be lovely people who really do care, people who you can bond with and feel like they are a support to you because they want to help, people who you can have a laugh with and start to look forward to seeing. It could be like this, not the way you fear, although your fears are completely understandable and reasonable.
Best of luck. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2019 09:39

I understand you're feeling sad but like PPs have said, if your DH stays home any longer it could put a huge strain on your marriage.

Being a SAHP or a carer are two things that only work, if it's what the person has chosen to do.

PeoniesarePink · 08/07/2019 09:39

You can't make someone be who they aren't. He clearly can't handle being at home. My DH would be exactly the same - he puts his needs first, and actually while at times I hate him for it, actually a lot of the time I envy it.

Look at the positives - the carer will be solely focused on you and the DC, and there for that reason alone. You will get to build good relationships with them - I counted a lot of my clients as good friends when I worked in care - and you're not spending all day with someone who resents having to be there.

This has been a major life change for all of you. Hopefully once your DH is settled back in at work, he can engage with you all better for it. But you are very entitled to feel sad about it Flowers

AyBeeCee10 · 08/07/2019 09:41

Yabu. It may be very difficult for him. He is going to work and providing for you and your kids , I think you need to be grateful for that. Maybe it was becoming too much for him. But I do understand how you feel.

Missingstreetlife · 08/07/2019 09:42

Are carers for you or dc. If for dc you could look at minder or nursery instead. If for you play it by ear, you may be able to whittle it down or use them to go out and do more. If they get in the way of you resting cut the hours. Good Luck

HennyPennyHorror · 08/07/2019 09:45

It's important that your DH keeps his employment OP. Otherwise he won't be able to earn a living.

SagAloojah · 08/07/2019 09:46

Would DH have been getting unpaid extended leave? Surely it's better to have an incoming salary and career progression for at least one partner?

GrabbyGertie · 08/07/2019 09:47

I’m sorry that you are in this position OP, it must be very difficult for you and your family. I don’t think YABU but I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable either.

I can see that in the long term it might be best for your husband to work. It may well be better for his career and I could imagine it will be better for your marriage (and therefore your children) in the long term too. Money wise might it be better too?

You are only recently diagnosed so I’m not surprised everything feels very, very difficult, I can’t imagine how you must feel.

I hope your new carers are lovely and that you don’t consider them ‘strangers’ for long.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/07/2019 09:48

I can understand both sides. Perhaps he can cope better with the changes to your family if part of his life is work? Perhaps he's thinking that he needs to work while he can because eventually, he won't be able to as you get worse? Good luck with the future.

QueenEnid · 08/07/2019 09:50

 @GentlyGleaming Thanks

That must have been a really hard and brave decision to make. Try to take each day at a time and don't blame your DH. He must love you so much to have done so much so far, and it shows his love that he wants to ensure you have the best help.

It might feel like he prefers to be at work today, but maybe this is him ensuring that his mental health is being looked after. It is extremely difficult to be at home looking after someone and it can be very isolating for all involved. Maybe he feels that he can be a much better partner to you this way.

Try not to attach blame to him. You need to be positive. Put your energy into things that you can control and influence. X

formerbabe · 08/07/2019 09:51

Hi op...can I give you my opinion which I'd never normally share on mumsnet for the risk of being flamed?!

My experience...vast majority of men are crap at being at home all day regardless of the reason, be it working from home, unemployment, looking after dc etc. Not all, but most. My opinion, which probably seems controversial, is that the home is very much a woman's domain. He probably doesn't want to be there all day, but its not a reflection of how he feels about you. My oh used to work from home...let's just say, we're both much happier now he doesn't Grin

Wish you all the best...Flowers

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 08/07/2019 09:55

How has your husband let the children down? I understand you're in a rubbish place but you're being very unfair to him.

This.

Perhaps he realises his mental health is at risk. He cannot live his life for you he has to do what is right for him sometimes.

Sorry, but I think you are being selfish here.

Durgasarrow · 08/07/2019 09:56

He isn't putting his job before his children. His children have their mother with them full time. That shows faith in you!

bingbongnoise · 08/07/2019 09:56

Awww, don't feel bad @GentlyGleaming I am so glad you have help, and I am so sorry you are ill/suffering.

Is it likely to get better???

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:56

Thank you for your replies. I do understand where he is coming from, I do and if it was a case of giving up his job forever then I'd understand it more but our DCs would be in education in two years or so. I wanted things to be normal for them as well as for me too. I know that these feelings will probably pass but today I am feeling sad.

OP posts: