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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

180 replies

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:21

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 11:00

Being away from your job for 2 years is a huge risk - regardless of what his employers said. Things change, and even with the best will in the world, no job is safe.

I don't think it's advisable for anyone who has to take care of your family.

Now it's natural to feel sad, and your husband is not reasonable to refuse to pay for childcare, but happy to pay for carers - unless he was genuinely worried you needed more help and childcare wouldn't be enough on its own to help YOU.

kateandme · 08/07/2019 11:00

gently does it hun.so much piling in on you at one time isnt there.so many new thing to get used to.we are usually only given these things slowly!your havnig to change chop change chop instantly and swiftly.and its going to be all heavy on your emotionas and pyhscial right now.
so firstly sorry about your illness.it must be really hard.but you have this diognosis now so what can you do to deal with it.dont you get down in the dumps over it ok becasue your still the woman you were.like you said your still feeling and loving and want to be the woma you were.all this mean is someone is aiding you tbe that woman.no shame.no guilt.just aid.so there not taking anything away from you they are enabling you to keep all you hold dear to you.they are the bridge to keeping you life as calm and easy as possible.and that ok.you deserve that.it might take a bt of time to get yoused to it.but you will get there.
your not alone in this happening and wont be the last.and other manage so no doubt in my mind you will too.

to your dh.maybe see it as a blessing in his choices.becasue if you think about it what would happen if he did do all these things for you.it change the whole concept of your relationship.of course some people do become carers for partners.but it is a dinamic shift.just like it is for a parent if htey have to come carer/parent.it does change things somewhat.i can say exactly what but there is a shift.
so at least now you get to keep that husband and wife bit sacred.he gets to live a bit then come home and be there.
i know this is your ill health and your the person suffering but becomeing a carer or watching someone you love suffer is a huge strain to .so youve got to adjust to this together.
talk to him.no accusing but tell him how vunerable your feeling.he might suprise you in telling you he is too,or can at least be there.

rainbowunicorn · 08/07/2019 11:00

@GentlyGleaming again not sure on how the system is set up but does your condition entitle you to any disability allowance etc that could be used towards having someone employed to look after the children? I assume that as they are very young this is something that will be easier to manage as they get older and are able to do more for themselves, so a short term arrangement.

Unshriven · 08/07/2019 11:00

If the care is only for the children, why not hire a nanny? Emplying carers for children who don't need 'care' is insane.

Mrsjayy · 08/07/2019 11:11

He won't pay for childcare fuck that ! You need to try and take some control back your children are probably entitled to some assistance free hours for the eldest at least why is he getting to dictate ! I was all for reaching compromise but not paying for childcare is mean andcruel and controlling

Beautiful3 · 08/07/2019 11:15

Im sorry you're going through a difficult time. I honestly think carers are for the best as you'll be safe and your husband will continue to work and provide for the family. These carers are skilled and professional. It will be nice for you to chat to other people and not just your husband. Sending you hugs.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 11:17

You are allowed to be sad and frustrated. You are allowed to wish things were different. I don’t think it was realistic for your DH to stay off long term, most employers wouldn’t guarantee a role for years as businesses change.
Your DH maybe good or not so good, it is hard to judge because you are understandably very fed up with your situation so that affects your perception.
I did wonder if he focused on a carer for you rather than childcare because he thinks you need more support than you think you do?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 11:22

Can you afford both childcare and a carer for you?

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 08/07/2019 11:23

that's what what I was trying to remember gently he didn't believe in childcare outside the home

Also love how much sympathy the DH is getting here - yes I get people would hate to be at home and how they couldn't do it and they can think of nothing worse. I bet OP also (sorry to third person you!) also hates the situation she has found herself in and how much her life isn't what she planned. Yet the DH gets to pick up the threads of his life without making any effort to compromise for the well-being of his wife or children.

Nearlyalmost50 · 08/07/2019 11:30

Were still very much in love,we still enjoy spending time together and we still have a laugh,my DH tells everyone that I'm his morst favourite person and he's mine(mushy I know)and we still have a very healthy physical relationship,none of that always has to stop because you become ill or disabled

Depends on the disability. If the partner has dementia, brain injury or damage or even after a stroke, then they may be quite different in their personality and way of interacting than before. It's precisely them not being the same person that is the source of the loss. Other disabilities precisely affect your ability to have sex such as prostate cancer! Not to say you can't have some happy times or close ones but it's not just a question of mental attitude- some disabilities fundamentally change the parameters of the relationship in ways that if they weren't due to disability, might indicate relationship trouble or result in divorce.

anothernotherone · 08/07/2019 11:31

GentlyGleaming "he won't pay for childcare" changes the entire picture!

Is he paying for a carer for you or is he assuming that an NHS carer will be diverted from caring for you to look after the children?

I think you've had the responses you have because your opening post read as wanting your husband to be your carers and people were defending the fact not everyone is temperamentally suited to giving up work to be a full time carer, and it sounded reasonable to use professional paid carers.

However clearly there's a lot going on which isn't in your posts. Some other posters are refering to other threads, but most of us don't know your back story.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 08/07/2019 11:32

I know how horrible it is. I never thought I would be disabled (who does?)

I am getting angry at people really irrationally at the moment. Not saying you but I definitely am.

Your DH is thinking practically. Financially and for his career it does make sense for him to work. Sorry. The carer will be lovely. Do you have control over who comes?

MindyStClaire · 08/07/2019 11:32

Him not willing to pay for childcare outside the home is a very different, and much more unreasonable, thing to him not being willing to provide care for them in the home.

Best of luck OP, I hope you sort something you're happy with.

TitianaTitsling · 08/07/2019 11:35

Will the cost of a carer for you not significant exceed that of childcare for the children especially as pp have stated when you take into account the funded hours?

wotsittoyou · 08/07/2019 11:36

OP, I only have a moment to post, but I didn't want to scroll past this. I really feel for you. I do think you are bu thinking that your dh's decision to go back to work in itself says anything negative about his feelings towards you or your children. However, I don't think you are at all being unreasonable to be sad and emotional today. I really feel for you. This change must come with a broad set of deep and complex feelings, and is enough to overwhelm anybody.

Did you have a say in who your carers are?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 11:38

Will a carer pick up childcare duties anyway? I would have assumed that they would assist the OP with her needs but not change nappies etc.

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/07/2019 11:39

Your dh not paying for childcare is completely unreasonable. It sounds like he expected to have a sahw raising his children and being a dutiful stepford wife. But your illness has scuppered that.

Are the Carers being paid to care for you so you are able to care for the children, or is this a misguided provision of childcare - Carers won't care for anyone other than the person they are employed to ime.

Rachelover40 · 08/07/2019 11:43

GentlyGleaning, I'm very sorry indeed that you have this condition and can imagine how difficult it is for you. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

Nothing to add at the moment but I will come back later to read and comment if I have something useful to add.

Lotsa love

Waveysnail · 08/07/2019 11:44

Perhaps dh job isn't as safe as he made out and didnt want to worry you? Try and be positive this person could become a friend, a new face/breath of air.

BlueSkiesLies · 08/07/2019 11:52

he won't pay for childcare

This massively changes the picture! Hugely!

I have revised my position to he is a fucking cock womble and needs to sort his shitty attitude out.

saraclara · 08/07/2019 12:01

So who's paying for the carer?

Original poster

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 12:28

The carer is being paid for by the NHS. His job security isn't an issue because of who he works for. I can't say which department as it'd be too outing but it's definitely safe and they've made sure he's been sorted out financially. He's never wanted to pay for childcare. Originally when I was well I was going to go back to work, he really shat on the idea because he thought my place was at home and he didn't want to pay for or agree with childcare outside of the home.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 08/07/2019 12:29

But do either of you understand the carer will only care for you not your children?

Original poster

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 12:29

@minisoksmakehardwork What you said is exactly what it feels like right now

OP posts:

Original poster

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 12:30

@MyDcAreMarvel she's allowed to assist me with things for them

OP posts:

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