Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

180 replies

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:21

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 08/07/2019 12:36

Your husband is a dick how cruel to let you fret about looking after the children while dealing with an illness the carer might not care for the children he wants you well so you can do it.

Mrsjayy · 08/07/2019 12:37

Ah right so the carer will helpout it is just so unfair

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 12:41

The original plan from his perspective was to get me just well enough to "manage" Confused

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 12:43

He is an utter dick over childcare.

Mrsjayy · 08/07/2019 12:48

Urgh that is what I thought the angle was and if you don't "manage" then what?

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/07/2019 13:06

So he's left you to come to terms with your illness, raise the children while he swans off back to work and gives off the appearance of a caring husband because he stayed home for a few months to 'help out'.

Sexist pig.

It sounds like he was able to take advantage of something like the 5 year civil service career break (albeit that's unpaid).

I do understand the need for Carers to have their 'me' time. But this clearly isn't what is happening here.

I hope the Carers work out for you - I would look into employing a PA if finances allow as I think you'd have a lot more freedom than Carers who come in, do their job and go home again. Are they in all day or at key points? Eg breakfast, lunch and bed. Do they help with your personal needs or are you able to attend to yourself in yhay respect?

lololove · 08/07/2019 13:17

I don't mean this to be offensive, just a true statement of my life at the moment. Not posting for sympathy, just a view from the other side.

I am a live in carer for a parent, there is noone else involved as everyone else stays away to have their lives and my parent doesn't want to be sociable or go to them (struggle but possible)

I am approaching 40 with no relationship of my own, no children, no chance to have children by the time I'll be free (a good 20 years) and limited social life and free time. Even when I try to do something (even just cleaning) I'm constantly called through and 'needed'. Even at night this is the case. There is little to no time off (3/4 hours a fortnight if that to just walk around the town center) The pressures and responsibilities are too much and I do actually resent my parent for making me live this life, for stealing my life and claustrophobic that there is no escape because my parent refuses point blank to have outside intervention. I feel guilty for how I feel but it is actively harming out relationship and my own health and mental health.

Its a shit sandwich to be in for all sides, but please consider that your husband needs a break too and to see different people and different things (like the kids do with school and friends etc) before coming home to their responsibilities and family time with you.

In some ways it might help as a way to keep your family closer, better (as other jobs done by other people) and a way of keeping your independence a bit longer (as they don't start doing things just because they can... Your carers encourage you to do it yourself)

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/07/2019 13:18

And as for 'managing'. What happens when your illness is exacerbated as a result of 'managing' for too long, or the kids suffer because 'managing' isn't doing any of you any good st all.

MyDcAreMarvel · 08/07/2019 13:25

@GentlyGleaming that’s unusual, but very glad for you that she is.

lololove · 08/07/2019 13:41

Read the last few posts. Your husbands logic is definitely flawed. Is he old fashioned or just ignorant of what it takes to care for small children?
Surely he realises that getting you just well ek8ugh to manage isn't fair on your or the kids and is a dumb suggestion given that the stress and worry would likely relapse you or potentially make you worse.

And the safety aspect too, what would he tjknk you could do if they made a dash for the road? Silly man!

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 13:47

@lololove DH doesn't think like that lol

OP posts:
Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 13:48

@minisoksmakehardwork I don't think he thinks about any of these things Confused

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 08/07/2019 13:53

Your subsequent posts have painted a very different picture of your husband, I think your problems are far deeper than your health condition, he doesn't seem to hold you in very high regard and sees you as a housekeeper and nanny. I am sorry OP, it is a shit situation you find yourself in.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 08/07/2019 14:12

Oh @GentlyGleaming, I'm so sorry. I think YANBU. I understand 100% because I have also been there. People who haven't, just don't get it. Flowers

Tallgreenbottle · 08/07/2019 14:25

DH isn't your carer though OP. In Sickness and in Health doesn't mean that at all these days. Did you consider how it is/has been impacting him? Because in his head, I'm pretty certain he want's his own life still and that includes his career. He has a right to say no and not be a sahp if he doesn't want to be.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2019 14:39

I am surprised he can be in a career that would pay him if he has extended leave for 3 years to care for his children.

His attitude to not paying for childcare is not good.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 14:46

@Tallgreenbottle I don't have to consider it because he's told me how shit it is for him right from day one. I'm one of few people I know that husband finds out their wife has blood clots going through their heart and they are sat moaning because they've been in A&E for too long. Every single day I hear how shit his life is. Hence why I sought help from social care to make it better for him.

And he isn't MY carer! He's the children's Dad! He doesn't and hasn't looked after me other than cooking our tea at night.

OP posts:
Unshriven · 08/07/2019 14:52

Seriously, we get that he's their father, but they are not ill.

You either need a carer, or you don't.

There is no way I'd give up my job if my husband became ill and we could possibly avoid it.

We'd need the income more than ever, and I woldn't want my MH to go to pot on top of everything else.

The more you post, the less it sounds like a good idea for him to give up work.

And it really is exraordinarily unusual for an employer to offer a break of 3 years with no repercussions. He'd be totally out of the loop.

SagAloojah · 08/07/2019 14:54

Would his employer really have paid him for unpaid leave? Is this the public sector?

ANiceLuxury · 08/07/2019 14:59

Ahh so he doesnt care for you, he cares for his children because you cant?

So hes been complaining about how shit his life is because he is looking after his children not his wife?

Sirzy · 08/07/2019 15:00

The NHS wouldn’t be funding a care package if it wasn’t YOU who needs the care.

VivienneHolt · 08/07/2019 15:01

I’m really confused - this is a carer the NHS are providing but they aren’t going to be caring for you, they are going to be caring for your children? If you don’t need a carer how come the nhs are providing one? Would a childminder not be more suitable?

I don’t really know how I feel about your husband. On the one hand you’re obviously very sad about the situation, but on the other it seems to make a lot more sense for him to be in work. But his attitude sounds shitty regardless.

TabbyMumz · 08/07/2019 15:08

And he isn't MY carer! He's the children's dad. He doesn't and hasn't looked after me other than cooking our tea at night.

If that's the case op, why do you need a full time carer? Have you managed completely on your own?

Mahalie · 08/07/2019 15:15

An assessment conducted by Adult Social Care will absolutely look at any needs an individual has in relation to their parenting responsibilities and this can include cooking and cleaning for the children or collecting them from school etc.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 15:16

@Unshriven I didn't want to say it because it sounds bad but I do need a carer for some things. I've had to go without a lot of basic care needs because he hasn't thought about me needing it or he just doesn't want to. I've been strip washing and crawling up the stairs to wash my hair.

OP posts: