To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

[GentlyGleaming]

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

You can't surely expect your DH to give up his career to stay as your carer? I wouldn't want mine to give up the life he has for me. He would probably end up resenting it and it could easily end with the breakdown of your marriage.

Your posts is full of how you feel and I think you come across as very selfish. Your DH has taken 6 months off work and yet you say he's had it cushy and not done any more than any other husband. I think there are loads of men who wouldn't have done that for you.

I know you must be feeling awful but you need to be more appreciative of your DH. It can't be nice having a stranger in your home but I hope you can be accepting of it and just decide to be yourself around your carer(s). Your carer will probably become your friend.

You've had a big change and I think perhaps this just feels like one too many. It is hard. I think you need to give yourself time to come to terms with what has happened. Your "normal" has massively shifted as it has for your family. Perhaps your DH didn't think realistically about the impact on everyone.

I know you're hurting. I think you're misdirecting all that frustration and annoyance at the life you had before being gone at your DH and I do understand that.

Be kind.

I understand that this is an emotional day, but it seems to me that it's far healthier for your relationship and your family, that he lives a more normal life during the day time, and is bringing in money to keep a roof over your heads. Long term caring puts a huge strain on relationships.

I used to belong to a carer's group, and it was sad to see so many partners who loved their partners, feeling guilty about how much they resented their lives being curtailed. These were all people who'd given up work to do so.

Maybe look at it the other way and consider that having a carer allows you to have a more normal family life and relationship?

I didn't say that I resented my husband in my original post and if I didn't care for him I wouldn't have agreed to have the carers in.

Maybe I have been unreasonable to have wanted him to be at home helping me to look after the children but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be sad about it.

'WHY doesn’t he he want to look after his own children when he has the opportunity with no cost to his career?'

Because he wants to get out of the house and live his life being a SAHP is desperately lonely and boring at times so being a SAHP with caring responsibilities and never getting a break has the potential to be really awful.

@Idontwanttotalk I wasn't expecting him to give it up for ME or at all but to look after the children - they are after all half his children too

Anyway I hope you feel better after the initial bit is out of the way OP, your DH is doing right to keep things as normal as possible.

I worked for a lady who had a progressively debilitating condition. Her and her husband made the decision early on that they wanted to maintain their relationship as one of husband and wife, not carer and caree (not a word) and it worked. They still had a loving relationship, and an equal one they were very happy for 40 years. No resentment and remained as equal partners in the relationship. I saw how well it worked and they still supported each other. Don't see this as necessarily a bad thing x

My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry gently that you're going through this. It must be very debilitating, physically and emotionally - you're facing big changes which you weren't expecting to have to deal with. Your life has been turned upside down and it's hard to adjust. You can only try to find the positives in this - which is damned difficult.

Your DH probably needs to get out of the house for his own sanity - and you'd like a break too, I shouldn't wonder. Is there a support group who can help and advise with your condition? They are worth their weight in gold. Be gentle with yourself.

I can see that this is hard for you but I think you are being unreasonable. I think it’s really important for your husband to be at work on so many levels. Financially is one obvious reason but for his mental health and his ability to care for you when he’s home. Hopefully you will like your carer and build a rapport and friendship with them.

Much as you want your DH with you, please don’t expect him to give up his freedom and his ability to live his life for you. I speak from experience, being able to work and breathe from a difficult situation makes you a much better carer and person when you’re home. This situation sounds like he’s in it for the long haul, he needs to be able to manage it as best he can. You have good care at home, he hasn’t let you down he’s managing a situation which is long term sustainable. I have a few friends who need carers and have since their late 20’s / early 30’s when they had young children. None of the partners have given up work and non of the children have suffered from being at home with mum and a carer. The marriages have remained strong and I’m sure it’s because the partners have maintained a bi of breathing space and they’re not entirely reliant on one another plus financially they’re not struggling

OP they may be half his children but if you've been on Mumsnet for any time at all, you'll understand not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP.

Many people say they find it soul destroying and if that's the case for your DH, it's bound to put massive pressure on your marriage and family life.

I'm sure that's the last thing you want for you all.

Op would it not be better for the children to be at Nursery?

You are definately not being unreasonable feeling sad being a disabled /ill
parent throws all sorts of feelings up but your feelings are valid.

I guess there are bills that need to be paid so he has to think about that too?

Oh OP you can't use the DC as an excuse for him not to go back to work that's just, well, a bit manipulative, and very transparent so don't use that to whip him with for his choice to go back to work.

Well I bet this thread is making you feel better gently I wonder how many people commenting so meanly, have been in this situation themselves? Telling someone who is expressing understandable upset and sadness at a crap situation, that she is being extremely selfish and me, me, me is a knobbish thing to do. It's possible to express yourself more kindly if you think is being unreasonable (and even that sounds horrible!) It's such a hard situation.

I remember your earlier thread Gently, and I don't think your DH came out of that well, and it was a slightly different take on it. IIRC you felt that given the very sudden changes, your DC were benefitting from having your DH (their parent) around to give them some continuity and reassurance, as well as helping you through a very traumatic time. IIRC your DH's desire to return to work so soon wasn't so much financial as he felt he would be happier?

I am in a slightly different situation as my DH's circumstances were an insecure lower paid job, so there was even more pressure on him to go to work and support us. Even so, sometimes this isn't possible - the childcare involved in one parent being repeatedly in hospital doesn't lend itself to employment like this.

My DH was also very keen to return to work to provide money (and to keep him sane!). He recognised however that I needed support and the DC needed support, emotionally as well as financially. We have compromised on part time employment (ironically he earns too much to claim carers allowance despite working unsociable shifts to come home and do a full days caring

I know he would prefer to work full time. He knows I would prefer to have him at home. For us, this is the best compromise as we both desire each other's happiness, and the wellbeing of our DC, whilst balancing the finances.

It's such a hard situation and for everyone saying you're being selfish, yes your whole family's circumstances have changed but you are the one who is unwell and having the physical effects to cope with as well as the mental effects.

The irony is also carers allowance is approx £68 per week for minimum 35 hours care. My DH still does this but earns just too much to qualify for the allowance. Imagine how much it costs the state to pay for carers visits! If the role of familial carers was properly recognised and financially supported, I think we would all be better off.

I don’t have to use carers, but there are days I wish I had them- when I’ve fallen trying to shower, fallen getting out of the bath, passed out getting something out of the oven and so on. My dp of 2 years doesn’t live with me, however my teen boys do. Every time something happens he says ‘why the hell didn’t you call me to come over and stay, and I will help you’ then he calls me stubborn. It’s not that I don’t want his help, but he’s my partner, I don’t want him to be my carer too. If that makes sense? I want those two aspects of my life to be different. I have a range of medical medical issues, so who knows I may need more support as time goes on, or I may be very lucky and won’t. But for now, I struggle on when I’m unwell, and will put up with being called a stubborn cow. So maybe this is what your husband wants to do- he wants to separate being your husband from being your carer, don’t take it as a negative.

I may be wrong but it appears from your posts that it is not so much that you need care but that you are unable to care for the children on your own at the moment?
If that is the case then I think you are being unreasonable. Your husband should be able to go out and work. There are longer term implications to think of if a lengthy career break is taken, as an example a future pension, especially if your condition means you are unable to work. Is there no way that the children can go to nursery or a child minder. You could employ someone to get them there. If it is care for the children rather than yourself then a nanny or au pair?
Without knowing any further details as to what the care is needed for it is difficult to advise. I do however fully agree with your husband going back to work. The dynamic of your marriage will change if he is your sole carer.

Sorry you are in this situation OP . Honestly though I'm with your husband. I can't think of anything worse than being in the house 24/7 with my partner and children, rarely any of us leaving or having outside interaction. It sounds terribly claustrophobic.

@rainbowunicorn My husband would not pay for childcare so me having a carer in was the only option. Which I voulnteered to do. I'm not sure why I'm being painted as the villain here. I set this whole thing up to benefit him! He did nothing to help us to be able to get him back into work.

The vast majority of posters here are saying they understand her sadness @WeBuilt. But the situation is what it is, and we're attempting to help the OP recognise why it's probably the best of some pretty sad options. Ultimately we see that in the long term, it's probably to her benefit.

I wasn't expecting him to give it up for ME or at all but to look after the children - they are after all half his children too confused

If you are taking you/your disability out of the equation and it's only about dc, that's even less reason for him to stay home. Before this all happened he wasn't going to go stay home with them or go part time and do 50% of the care. So why would he now?

I'm the first to call out lazy men, but I don't see it here. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP and that includes many women.

@GentlyGleaming That does change my opinion I must say. If the care is more directed to caring for the children then he is unreasonable not to allow this to happen. Is there a reason financially that he won't do this? I must confess to not really knowing how the system works in these cases but have you explored whether you would be entitled to any help with child care in these circumstances.

Actually OP you are not being unreasonable why on earth would he not just use childcare a perfectly reasonable concept for working parents and sort it himself
If indeed his option was to merely go back to work and refuse to do anything further forcing you to have a career to help with the kids he is being a selfish arse

How old are your dc am assuming at least one over three as you and would be entitled to 30 hours ( as you are unwell only one of you needs to work)
With either tax credits , UC or tax free childcare are you sure that’s more expensive than carers?