To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

[GentlyGleaming]

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

I think you are being incredibly unfair and to state your DH is putting his job ahead of your children is very very unfair. Does this mean a woman who chooses to go back to work after having children is "putting their job ahead of their DC's"? Of course not, why is it any different for a man.

I do sympathise as it must be hard to be at home with a stranger, but your husband has already been at home for 6 months, and by going to work, he's thinking of the whole family. His job is paying for a roof over your head and food for the family. Whilst his work are being great at the moment, eventually that goodwill will run out. It always does eventually

So yes, whilst I appreciate how hard it must be and how low you must feel, YABU

That sounds very difficult and of course it's natural to feel emotional on such a big day. I really hope you like the carers and adjust to having them around quickly.

With regards to your DH, it's not unreasonable to feel as you do, but I don't think he's unreasonable either. I only have one DC, but if I've learned anything so far it's that I am absolutely not cut out to be a SAHP. If your DH feels similarly, it's probably for the best that he goes back to work. That's before you even consider the change in a marriage of one of you caring for the other. That's huge, and I think I'd struggle if we ended up in that boat, regardless of which one was the carer and which one was ill.

If he goes to work, he gets some time away from the home (I love my DH and DD, but I really need that) and will likely be in better form and more involved while he is home. Rather than struggling and resenting you all if he's there fulltime.

Never mind the financial advantages of him going back to work - not just pay, but pension, life insurance and any other benefits he gets.

I hope things go well for you OP

He is being practical op. His employers have said they are happy to give him extended leave now, but all it takes is a change in management and that could change.

For 10 years I worked for fantastic employers who allowed me the flexibility to combine work with caring for two disabled children. Then I got a new manager who used my position as a carer to bully me out.

I am now a full time carer and doing my best to support dh as the sole earner. His job is more important than ever so I do what I can to help him keep it.

I am so very sorry for you - you must be struggling to get your head around what has happened to you.

Two years is a long time to be out of the workplace if you haven’t chosen to be.
And they may have said his job is safe but things change. Budgets, team structures etc. I think it would be very difficult for any company’s to guarantee a job at the same level in a few years.
I hope it goes well with the carers today.

Sending you a hug OP. It’s okay to vent. Sometimes crap things happen to good people.

GentlyGleaming did you choose the carers? I can absolutely empathise with you about losing your freedom and independence, but I do think expecting a partner to be a carer is understandable but misguided. A partner becoming a carer will change the relationship so much that if it's not the right decision for the individual the family may well break down.

Things can still be normal for the children, loads of children have nannies or aupairs or mother's helps. These days it's probably more common than not for children to be cared for by a paid caregiver during the working day, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Perhaps concentrate on a daily structure with the new carers which will enhance rather than detract from your freedom and guarantee you some alone "unwatched" time. How the carers work should be up to you.

OP, I can certainly understand your nervousness at having a stranger in your house.
Hopefully they will be nice and kind and not a stranger soon.
Hopefully you can express to the Carer that you are feeling quite understandably anxious about this new situation.

Not everyone, is cut out to be a Carer.

In fact I believe Carer's to be Saints. Such a difficult job at times, and thankless.

Besides being hurt, can you believe that it might be better for your marriage and family life if Dad is not at home full time?

If you husband is happy at work, family life may remain stronger.

You have every right to feel let down if that's how you feel.
However, if you try and think a bit about the family as a whole, maybe it's for the best.

Also, I can't imagine anything worse than my husband being at home full time as my Carer and hating it, and me having to look at his unhappiness!!

Wishing you the very best and a wonderful new Carer in your home.

yes I agree on the no fixed guarantees on the job return and with formerbabe that if his heart isn't in it, you are all better off with DH working.

I'm sorry for you op though, I can understand I might feel that if my DH had the chance to spend 2 years with us, I'd want him to choose that but on the other hand, I can understand financial anxiety and the hardwired need to have a life outside of your family - and I would also hate having people in my house for any part of the day regularly, it changes the dynamic and sorry that you have this.

You're not being unreasonable and neither is he, life has dealt you a crap hand, try not to take it out on each other if you can.

if it was a case of giving up his job forever then I'd understand it more but our DCs would be in education in two years or so

In two years, a lot of things can change in a company. Restructuring meaning they no longer need him or a less sympathetic boss.

Your family is so much more secure with a steady wage coming in and with your husband in employment.

I’m sorry, but I think you are being selfish. Two and a half years is an extremely long time to be home for someone who hasn’t chosen that path. It could strain your marriage beyond repair.

And there’s nothing wrong with children being looked after by non-family members. My kids went to nursery or had a nanny at all times as both dh and I worked. It hasn’t done them any harm. And dh and I choosing to work was not ‘putting our jobs above our children’.

Your husband going back to work is no reflection of how much he "cares" about his family i imagine bills need to be paid food eaten practicality has to come first sometimes and adjusting to your new normal has to befaced having a stranger in your life is going to be bloody hard though deep breaths btw are the kids in nursery ?

OP - it must be terribly sad and scary that you’re so young and needing care, but you are being incredibly unfair and unreasonable towards your husband.

Being at home and caring for others is a sacrifice. You lose an entire outside network and your world shrinks. When you whole is on a core list of jobs, it quickly becomes mind-numbing. Your DH has already put his job on hold for half a year. It is sensible for him to want more outside of the home, to continue to earn a wage, continue to accrue a pension pot etc.

Your children will be fine.

YANBU

He has been offered to have his job kept open for him to take a couple of years out to be a SAHD and he’s chosen instead to have strangers in your home...I’d be upset & hurt too. WHY doesn’t he he want to look after his own children when he has the opportunity with no cost to his career?

THe only thing I don’t quite understand is the money, how would you afford for him not to be earning (unless his company were still paying him - if that was the case I don’t think I’d be able to get past this choice of his, which doesn’t seem to have taken your or the children’s needs/wishes into consideration.

a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs

Wow

I know you're hurting at the moment, but reign in those thoughts!

Much better to have someone earning money to support the household financially, and to bring in a carer.

Also, wouldn't you rather have some semblance of a husband and wife relationship, rather than 100% carer caree relationship?

You are allowed to feel sad, I think lots of us would in your situation but your husband's desire to return to work is no reflection on how much he cares for the children or you. If he were to stay at home chances are he would begin to resent the situation and that would be far more damaging to you all.

Being at home and caring for others is a sacrifice

Then don’t have kids if you consider looking after them to be a great sacrifice that you’re nit willing to make FFS.

My husband has carers as he has early onset dementia. I tried looking after him on my own but it didn’t work out for either of us. Eventually I accepted the help and now I’m able to work and he gets great care. Some days I feel guilty that a carer is paid to do what family members think I should be doing. To be there for you your husband may need his own career and sees his job as a way of being able to cope with the way life is at home and to be more help to you when he’s with you.

It may mean I’m selfish but not everyone is cut out to be a carer - no matter how much you love the person needing the care. Make sure you have a carer you get on with and any good carer should help enable you to do more for yourself.

I hope things go well for you.

I am so sorry that you are in this position OP. However as a full time carer for my DS who is severely disabled, I am looking at this from your DH's perspective.

It is a very lonely and soul crushing role and I totally understand his need to separate the two parts of your life.

Please don't judge him too harshly, it's a horrible situation for all.

It seems as if your husband is in a no win situation and in the kindest possible way I think your ignoring the impact all of this will have had on him. Expecting him to take three years out of the workplace as the only earner in the house due to circumstances is a big ask and chances of walking into a similar level job after three years are slim.

I have been forced to give up a career to be carer for ds. As much as I love him I wokld be lying if I didn’t say I hated the situation meaning I can’t work and knowing that career I worked for is forever behind me.

OP hopefully you'll have a carer who you will become quite friendly with and will enjoy their company, if not then change carers.

And don't change the way you live, let the carer get used to doing things your way.

I think for everyone's sake in the long run it's best that DH goes back to his normal routine of work.

He has been offered to have his job kept open for him to take a couple of years out to be a SAHD and he’s chosen instead to have strangers in your home...I’d be upset & hurt too. WHY doesn’t he he want to look after his own children when he has the opportunity with no cost to his career?

Who says taking a few years out will mean no cost to his career?

I think it's entirely reasonable to feel sad that you have become unwell enough to need care. It would be reasonable to be angry too. It's not reasonable to resent your husband for choosing not to give up work and become your full time carer when alternatives are available. In fact I think it would be an extremely poor choice for him to do that as it presumably puts the family in financial jeopardy for the foreseeable future (unless you have a substantial private income). It would likely also be bad for the marriage if he became your carer rather than your husband and equal partner in the family. It looks like you have a decent solution in crap circumstances.

I started having carers last year after developing a secondary disability. I had had carers before when I was at uni (I use a wheelchair) but it had been about 10 years since then. I now have to wear compression on my legs and they put that on for me.

For a couple of months before the carers started I had family supporting me. It was destroying our relationship and really stressful. Having carers is hard (and its still sometimes hard now) but I’ve found it much better than family support. Because the lack of an emotional tie makes it easier to get a carer to do things the way I want or give direction than a family member. My family member would come in, notice jobs that needed doing that weren’t part of care, start them without asking and get annoyed if I said “actually leave that, I need X as a priority because Y” and in the meantime I was getting stressed because I needed to leave for the dentist once my care was done and could wash my own dishes later. My family and I are happier with carers and our relationship is better.

YANBU I know I would feel exactly the same as you!

I Became seriously ill and disabled 10 years ago,a year after I had my 5th DC(thanks to the hospital screwing up)and my DH stepped up and became my carer,his job will always be there for him but he refuses to leave me with carers.

I am very ill and 2 of our 5DC are disabled and I am so greatful to my DH he has stepped up more for me that anyone else ever has in my life!

It hasn't negatively affected our relationship at all!

Were still very much in love,we still enjoy spending time together and we still have a laugh,my DH tells everyone that I'm his morst favourite person and he's mine(mushy I know)and we still have a very healthy physical relationship,none of that always has to stop because you become ill or disabled.

I hope you get on well with the carers but if you don't make sure you don't just put up and shut up,both of my parents had to have carers when they became ill and disabled(I was already to ill to do everything for all of them)and a couple they didn't like so they got different carers and they were lovely and became like friends to my parents.

I am so sorry about your diagnosis. It is really, really hard for people who are fit and healthy to understand how much an illness like that impacts on the minutiae of everyday life - it affects everything, all of the time. It's a huge psychological blow, as well as a physical one, and I'm wondering whether you've been offered any support in that area to help you to come to terms with this? I think speaking to a counsellor who specialises in this area might help you to realise and articulate the complex of emotions that you must be feeling right now. In the past, I've found that being able to do that really helped me when it came to figuring out what was and wasn't reasonable to expect from others - in this case, your husband.

I completely and utterly understand your feelings about your husband going back to work. It can feel a lot like someone is absenting themselves from a problem that you have to live with, day-in, day-out, and it can really highlight the unfairness of what you are handling. It is really important to acknowledge this! At the same time, however, I do think that it's not necessarily unreasonable for him to want to do this, and that he may be able to be a better husband and father for taking that decision.

Also: it's really important that this illness doesn't isolate you. Having a carer will hopefully help with that. I realise that energy and strength are at a premium for you, but try to make time to see friends when you do feel up to it. It helps.

for you. What you're going through is incredibly tough. I don't think you're being awful or selfish in feeling this way, but I do think it is possible just a little bit unreasonable all the same. I wish you all the best of luck with today.

I agree with everyone else really.

If DH stays home as carer and sahd you all run the risk of falling into a very small, insular, isolated rut. Especially as the children are not at school yet. I think in the long run it will place an enormous strain on your family, your marriage and everyone's happiness.

By outsourcing the physical care aspect to a trusted, insured and properly trained member of your household staff, you free everyone up to do a normal(ish) amount of mundane stuff without overwhelming any one of you.

He will be a better companion for having outside interests and conversation.