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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

180 replies

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:21

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 15:18

@TabbyMumz I've had to manage on my own as I haven't had any choice. DH doesn't do anything for me. I've had to rope my mum and dad in for certain things.

OP posts:
Unshriven · 08/07/2019 15:22

Well if the carer thinks the children are being neglected because there's no one to care for them, they'll be obliged to make a referral, and the kids will be in daycare whether your husband likes it or not.

Daycare for the children, and your husband working, seems the best solution however it comes to pass.

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2019 15:59

OP I'm not sure how SS works, but is there any chance they can help you to get childcare sorted?

As Unshriven points out, your carer may have to make a referral anyway, so it might work out well in the end.

Rinoachicken · 08/07/2019 16:04

In one of the recent panorama programmes on crisis I care a lady who was disabled was able to get funding for a nanny to help with the kids so the dad could return to work part time, and later she also got additional care for her. Is that an option?

zafferana · 08/07/2019 16:09

I get what you're saying, but I would HATE to be my DH's carer and I think it would massively and negatively impact our relationship if I had to be. And if he had to give up his career to be my carer? Well, that just wouldn't work at all. He's not 'that kind of person' IYKWIM! He's a lovely DH and a good DF, but he'd fucking HATE his life is it consisted of caring for me and our kids. TBH, having a stranger do that work would be better for all of us. I too wouldn't want to share my home with a stranger, but I'd also hate to change our family dynamic and force my DH into a role he'd be miserable in, so having a carer would, for us, be the lesser of two evils. I suspect that this is where you are too Flowers We're not all 'caring' types. That doesn't make him a bad guy.

SoyDora · 08/07/2019 16:10

Your OP focussed on completely the wrong thing.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 16:17

@Unshriven The children are NOT being neglected!

OP posts:
itsagodawfulsmallaffair · 08/07/2019 16:42

It will be difficult for you having a stranger in your home, and I really know how you feel about behaving differently. I think you have to have a think and plan really well what you need from the cater to make your life better. So seeing to you ( hair wash, etc) while the kids watch tv or dance to nursery rhymes but then lift down activities for you that will mean you can engage with the kids until husband is home. Or put kids in buggy/ car for you so you can get out? Try and get to some toddler clubs/ park where you can make some friends who'll help you when your out and the kids get out the house. Like everyone else I'm a bit confused what things the cater is there to do for you , so it's hard to make suggestions but busy wellplanned days will boost yiur mood

Schuyler · 08/07/2019 16:42

I think you need to clarify with the social worker or whoever assessed your needs. Most carers will not primarily undertake childcare. Will one or both not be eligible for the 15 and then 30 free hours?
If you have care needs, then the carers should primarily be taking care of those needs, not doing childcare.

Schuyler · 08/07/2019 16:51

I’ve just re-read, is your care funded by the NHS? You really need to liaise with your case worker as I think you’ve misunderstood the role of a carer. They absolutely can and do assist with parenting tasks but they are below school age and therefore, need proper childcare which an NHS funded carer should not be doing.

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2019 17:10

@Unshriven I didn't want to say it because it sounds bad but I do need a carer for some things. I've had to go without a lot of basic care needs because he hasn't thought about me needing it or he just doesn't want to. I've been strip washing and crawling up the stairs to wash my hair.

YABU as far as him returning to work goes. But a nice man he is not, if this thread and the previous is anything to go by.

What was he like as a husband before your illness?

TantricTwist · 08/07/2019 17:23

This is really confusing OP.

So the NHS are providing a free carer because you clearly need it yet you want your DH to do it even though he has a completely different job?

Is that correct?

Why can't he go back to work now that you have a carer to help you?

His previous job wasn't as a carer so I'm a bit confused as to why you expect him to carry on caring for you?

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2019 17:26

OP, how many children do you have and how old are they?

If they're going to be in education in 2 years time, I'm guessing the youngest is 2 years old, is that right?

If you need pretty minimal care yourself (even taking into account your second post about it), will the NHS provide a carer for the whole time your DH is at work - i.e approximately 9 hours every day?

If not, I don't understand how he thinks it's ok to leave you at home with a toddler than you can't even lift, let alone run around after.

Surely childcare has to be sought? I'm hoping you can chat to the carer about this and they may have some sort of solution.

TabbyMumz · 08/07/2019 17:27

You say you do need a carer for 'some' needs, but have also said you have a full time carer. That doesn't quite add up. I know a bit about caring, and would have thought to get a full time carer, you'd have to be pretty unable to do most things. That sort of care costs a lot, so your dh would have to go to work to pay for a lot of it. Can you enlarge a bit on what is wrong with you, whether it's something that might improve, and how much care you need?

saraclara · 08/07/2019 17:48

Seriously, I have a relative with far more needs than you're admitting to right now, and it's been hell even getting half an hour four times a day for them. I truly don't understand how you're getting a full time carer based on what you've said. Something truly doesn't add up.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 17:50

OP too am puzzled by your level of needs. You mention crawling up the stairs and the NHS has funded a carer. That sounds to me like you are facing more significant health challenges.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 17:59

I have dilated cardiomyopathy, in active heart failure, pulmonary hypertension (too much pressure in the lungs) and I'm recovering from a pulmonary embolism. I have a carer coming in as of today from 09:00am until 5:00pm.

I do need the care but the point is, I'm sad about it as I'm only young and was previously independent. I've been struggling along physically by myself because I wanted things to be normal. My DH didn't want to use full time childcare so I had to find a carer that could provide care for me whilst enabling me to look after my DCs.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 08/07/2019 18:06

Is this carer funded by the nhs? Sorry to ask so many questions, it's just if you are able to care for your children, not sure why the nhs would fund full time care for you. A family member of mine was incredibly ill recently and he only got care for two 15 min visits around breakfast and lunch.

Weirdpenguin · 08/07/2019 18:06

If you are having a full time carer provided by the NHS your needs must be extremely high. From your description your husband doesn't sound very caring but YABU expecting him to stop working and care for you and the children. I am sorry you are ill at a young age. If your needs are so high I wonder if you could get help with nursery costs depending on your financial position. Your post is inconsistent, you say your care needs sre not high but a care package is hard to get. Social Services help families in need not only neglected children.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 18:09

I wondered about pulmonary hypertension when you mentioned the blood clots in your heart. A very good friend suffered the same (along with other unrelated conditions). Flowers

Weirdpenguin · 08/07/2019 18:10

Your husband is being completely unreasonable in not wanting to use child care. He seems not to be accepting how unwell you are

WorraLiberty · 08/07/2019 18:12

How many kids do you have OP and how old are they?

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 18:13

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude it's like every time you talk having your lungs squeezed, or like the feeling you get in your head when you hold your breath!

OP posts:
Schuyler · 08/07/2019 18:16

You have a lot going on. Flowers sounds like your husband is a hindrance rather than a help. I hope you have some support for your feelings. It’s not just about him and he needs to know this. Is this marriage making you happy?
Please make sure you’re getting all the benefits you’re entitled to and also that your DC are getting their funded nursery hours.
Is your health visitor aware of what’s going on? They can signpost you towards things that can help in terms of your children.

cestlavielife · 08/07/2019 18:17

What s best for dc
What is best for you
If dc are at risk because you cannot physically care for them.tpu need the carer/ nanny
What do you think about childcare for the dc?
Sorry to be morbid but What would happen if you don't survive? Would dh use childcare then? Isn't it best they get used to childcare