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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I have a carer starting today.

180 replies

GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 09:21

I'm in my early 30s and was diagnosed a few months ago with a debilitating condition. I have 2 DCs and a DH of 6 years. My DH has been off work since the beginning of the year to take care of the children as they are below school age and I can't lift them (anything at the moment really). DHs work have been really good and said he could take an extended time off of work until the DCs were older and his job would be safe. DH decided that he'd rather be at work so the carers were bought in and are due to arrive any moment.

I feel like my soul has been crushed. I was used to having the house to myself and the DCs and then had to get used to DH being around more but the idea of having a stranger here all day everyday is just... hard. I feel like I'm going to have to constantly be a different person in my own home.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for the help because I'm not but a part of me feels let down by DH and hurt that he's put his job before our DCs. I know I'm probably going to get it in the neck but compared to most carers DH has had it cushy. I need minimal things doing for me and can still do things for the DCs. Some carers have 24/7 hard work but DH certainly isn't one of them. He isn't really doing more than any other parent does. I just feel let down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 08/07/2019 18:17

Your DH sounds hideous. The good thing is that now you have the carers you could manage without him if you chose to.

Schuyler · 08/07/2019 18:18

You are, of course, entitled to be sad about the massive changes to your life and health. Flowers I think there’s more to this than meets the eye though. This isn’t just about the carer. Your husband is not supporting your emotional well-being which must be having an impact. It sounds like this is also relatively new to you ? so you’re adjusting to the change.

TantricTwist · 08/07/2019 18:25

Oh OP Flowers you are pretty ill aren't you.

Give it a bit of time and you will all resettle into life again.

I think maybe you were convincing yourself and your DH you were better than you actually are which is probably why he has chosen to let a carer look after your needs because he isn't really able to and he knows it.

I hope you start to feel better again and that you like your new carer and get to spend some quality time with your DC and DH.

DillyDilly · 08/07/2019 18:26

I’m sorry you’re going through this, your DH does sound awful. Take whatever assistance you are entitled to and be as independent from your DH as you possibly can.

Is there anyway you can get counseling for yourself - your life has changed dramatically from what it was and you’re probably facing a very different life than what you thought - having someone to talk through everything with might help in some way.

Northernlurker · 08/07/2019 18:29

Your husband sounds like a prize twat. Fair enough he wants to work but his attitude to you is awful. Sounds like you need both paid childcare AND carers to support you.

Does he come to your medical appointments, does he have the same understanding as you do of your long term prognosis and expectations?

Schuyler · 08/07/2019 18:33

@GentlyGleaming I am an adult social worker and also a mum with disabilities and a chronic illness. Feel free to drop me a line if you need any advice or support.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 18:38

@Northernlurker My Mum comes with me to my appointments. I don't know if he understands or not. It's been explained to him.

@DillyDilly I'm starting counselling soon

@Schuyler Thank you

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 08/07/2019 18:41

Yeah I thought that might be the case. I think what he needs is to be read the riot act by your doctor or at very least be in the room with you for appointments.

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 18:43

@Schuyler I used to do everything. DH has spent months pointing out how I now, in his opinion, do nothing. Its been a struggle emotionally, all I've wanted from him is for him to say "I'm sorry this is happening to you" and give me a cuddle. All he's done is make me feel guilty and tell me how hard it's been for him and how he resents me because I'm keeping him off work by being sick. I contacted social services because I wanted to make it all better and I'm sure it will but I just don't want to have to have it. I want my old life back. I want my body back. I miss bring able to breathe. I miss me.

OP posts:
Knitwit99 · 08/07/2019 18:46

YANBU to be sad about how your life is right now. It sounds very tough in many ways. I'm sorry.

I hope having carers in your house is not as awful as you think and that they will enable you to do the things you want to do and enjoy being with your kids. That's the main thing.

Can you see a future where you might be able to manage on your own again?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 19:01

I agree that someone needs to take your DH to one side and give him a metaphorical smack around the back of the head. You are ill with a chronic condition. Trying to do too much will put your health at greater risk. Would he listen if a doctor told him.
He should be supporting you to do what you can do not whinging about what you can’t.

TantricTwist · 08/07/2019 19:09

He is a prize TWAT.

He really needs someone to help explain to him exactly what you are going through.

Tell him to lie down, breathe right out as far as he can go and get one of your DC to sit on his chest whilst he tries to breathe in and out. Tell him this is how you feel most of the time, like you you can't breathe properly and that you are going to pass out.

If that doesnt convince him tell him to, at work, take a deep breathe in then breathe out as far as he can and whilst standing against a wall for another man to push hard on his chest whilst he tries to breathe.

anothernotherone · 08/07/2019 19:18

Wow those are serious, life limiting and life threatening conditions.

Does your husband have some neurodiversity which explains his inability to understand or process how ill you are and what objectively appears to be a complete absence of empathy and something very close to narcissism from your most recent posts? If he doesn't have a disorder which makes it unusually difficult for him to see things from any perspective but his own and makes his thinking very rigid he sounds deeply unpleasant, bordering on sadistic from your later posts...

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 19:24

@TantricTwist That's exactly what it feels like! It's almost a claustrophobic feeling sometimes!

@anothernotherone I don't know. He just expects me to get on as normal I think.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude Several people have told him but it's like it doesn't sink in or even worse he just doesn't care Confused

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/07/2019 19:25

Is he a narcissist? He sounds incredibly self centred and selfish. So sad for you. I think he's really not helping your mental health here. What do your parents think?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 19:32

Either he has very rigid thought patterns or is is a selfish twat.

TantricTwist · 08/07/2019 19:41

I think because he can't visualise it he just can't get his head around it.

Plus he is also probably wanting you not to be as ill as you are :(

There is that. The frustration he feels for you and your situation, your whole families situation. It's a lot to take on board.

It's a bit like grieving sometimes.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 08/07/2019 20:49

I had a carer when my DC were young.

It allowed my DH to be just that - my husband.

The children loved having her round- there was nothing odd or wrong about it at all - in fact they spent a lot of time with her which allowed me to be the best that I could be for all the important bits like bedtime story reading , homework.

I was a greater parent for having her actually . We all really miss her now.

Your DH has needs too .

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 08/07/2019 20:56

I think you could find the carer an allie Thanks

chitofftheshovel · 08/07/2019 21:03

I am a self employed PA. I absolutely love what I do. Hopefully you will get someone you can form a bond with. A carer should do things your way every time. As others have said if you feel they are not a good match for you then change.
I know how tough my clients find it having me in their home. I try to ensure each of them know I find it a privelige to be in their home.
Make sure you set out your expectations from the get go. I am sorry you are suffering from ill health. Take care

SagAloojah · 08/07/2019 21:32

OP your DH sounds more awful each time you post to the point that I think you should leave him, but I don’t understand how your ‘soul was crushed’ by him deciding not to be carer when it sounds like he does nothing for you?

BlueSkiesLies · 08/07/2019 21:55

Wow Op your DH is sounding really bad the way he’s treating you, every post reveals more hurt :-(

I thought you were upset about him not being a carer for you because he had been good at it, but you now say all he has done is moan at you and be resentful.

You sound like you need a carer, and a nanny, and a more supportive DH!

So sorry he hasn’t got your back in all this.

LittleOwl153 · 08/07/2019 21:56

I'm just dropping a link OP of a fellow PH sufferers blog. You might like to give it a read. And maybe use it to link into the PH community.

wecanadjustthesails.com/

Original poster
GentlyGleaming · 08/07/2019 22:16

@LittleOwl153 Thank you x

@SagAloojah I don't think I'm sad that he's not going to be around, just really sad at the way things have turned out.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2019 23:35

Gently
You are allowed to be sad. It’s a big change to come to terms with and you need time to adjust. Getting the carer, even though it is the right thing to do, is an acknowledgement of how things have changed and that you have to adjust to your illness being a more dominant feature of your life. But your illness is not who you are, you are still you.