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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a good friend leaving wedding early is rude

223 replies

Starship12 · 07/07/2019 15:18

My sister is getting married in 6 weeks time. One of our very good friends, has announced she will be leaving the wedding by taxi at 1845. She says that parents are looking after her children (3 and 8 months) but she needs to be back by 1900. This will coincide with the meal (not cheap) and speeches and leave a 1/2 empty table.
She has always been very controlling in most aspects of her life but particularly so re children (eg. Meals at very strict times etc).
Aibu to think this is just plain rude and not entirely necessary or is this acceptable behaviour?

OP posts:
FelicisNox · 08/07/2019 18:02

@Starship12 you say you exaggerated to make a point... exaggeration is stretching the truth and if you have to lie to make a point then your point isn't valid.

You're clearly not a great fan of her or her parenting choices and you're allowing that dislike to cloud your judgement.

YABU.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:03

If this is a close friend then I think it is VERY rude. Wasn’t expecting these responses

WHY?
6 weeks is plenty of notice - rude would be to tell the bride the night before, the guest sounds completely reasonable here. What's so rude?

cccameron · 08/07/2019 18:04

For a close friend, someone you say is like a sister, it's unbelievably rude. She has a babysitter, her own mother has offered to have them overnight and she's leaving at 6.45?? Bizarre. Is she pissed off at not being a bridesmaid or something because it's like she's making a point here.
I'd be upset if a close friend acted like this, thankfully I haven't got any friends that act like twats

Lweji · 08/07/2019 18:05

Not leaving before the vows, then...

she leaves at 6.45. Meal is at 7.30 just dont include her in the meal plans?
Exactly this. Leave empty or find someone else (probably a child?).

Or you sister could have invited her children if she was such a good friend and wanted her there.Wink

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:05

I’m saying this as someone who has zero childcare. I have to book my parents months in advance.

so you have childcare.
And you chose not to have your baby around your party. It's not a wrong choice, but it's yours.

No one normal would be offended because someone has young kids. Most normal adults understand they are not the centre of the world and friends work around their kids.

Rtruth · 08/07/2019 18:06

Maybe she needs to feed the kids! I’d say she is making effort to be there which is the key to someone’s day.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:07

cccameron
what's so rude? Some posters are going into very weird bridezillas territory and the OP is not even the bride.

Hotterthanahotthing · 08/07/2019 18:16

So she's given 6 weeks notice(her youngest is 3 months so she would have to be able see into the future to give longer notice and is 6 weeks her baby may be more settled.)
Is your sister upset,I hope if they're best friends then attending the wedding itself is the important bit and your sister supporting her friend if she needs to go early is all part of being friends.

Smiler88 · 08/07/2019 18:18

I doubt the OP has children so doesnt fully understand their needs. Some babies wont settle to sleep without a parent putting them down. Heaven forbid the whole day isnt about the bride and childrens needs trump the adult bride! Shes given fair warning, perhaphs the bride could simply cancel their meals or invite others in their place.

MissB83 · 08/07/2019 18:22

I did this with a wedding a few months ago and I was in the wedding party! although it was slightly different as my son wasn't invited (despite him being the bride's godson Hmm). By the time we got to the end of the wedding breakfast I had been away from him since 6am which I felt was enough. Even then I was 3 hours away from home and he was very upset when I got back. I also don't think the bride and groom really cared as they had a load of new guests arrive for the evening party, and your children should come first.

silver1977 · 08/07/2019 18:31

I can see both sides here OP.

If they are childhood besties then I would be slightly offended that she didn't want to stay for the entire day given she has childcare offered to her for the night or could even bring the baby to the wedding. It is ONE day, your sisters special day and she should want to be part of it etc.

However...3 months is still very young and I wouldn't have left mine all night either, mine were still waking for night feeds and would only settle for me or hubby. Weddings can be pretty tiring, especially for a sleep deprived mother to a young baby and toddler, so maybe she is thinking she would be shattered herself by then anyway. Can you imagine staying at a wedding until midnight like everyone else then having to get up several times in the night and probably having to be up ready to start the day at ridiculous o-clock?!

She might love the idea of having a day/evening out childfree but the reality is different, when you have children your priorities have to change and they come first.

If I was her I would personally have asked parents to have the children until the end of the meal and have them drop them to me, fed, bathed etc and with the pram so you can stay for the party bit! 3 year old would enjoy the dancing and baby could sleep in the pram, win win! But everyones situation is different of course and this may not be feasible.

I think your sister needs to be more understanding maybe and not take it to heart. She will be having the best day ever and like a pp said, probably won't even notice she is gone! Just get on and look forward to the day without worrying about it, planning a wedding is hard work and in the grand scheme of things this really isn't anything to spend time worrying about!

slaps1983 · 08/07/2019 18:31

I had to leave my best friends wedding at 7pm to get back in time to sort my DS. DS was invited to the wedding but I decided I didn't want him there as I wanted to enjoy the wedding and not worry about caring for DS who was 9 months. I left knowing I'd miss all the evening but once I'd had my son he is my priority and my responsibility, no one else's. So YABU

Witchtower · 08/07/2019 18:33

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 because it’s one of your closest friends. A friend who you have shared experiences, good and bad. A friend you confide in etc.

We’re talking pretty early here. At least give her friend the courtesy of staying for the meal and speeches.

Ps yes I do have childcare. So does this ‘friend’ but she’s choosing not to use it. If it really was her closest friend then I’m sure there are ways around this e.g. get the parents to stay at her house with kids, put them to bed in their own bed and get parents a cab home or let them stay the night.

Personally it sounds like this ‘friend’ is pissed off with something. Why would you announce 6 weeks before that you need to leave mid way the meal and give no reason?
If OP had mentioned a reason then I might understand. But no explanation at all? Just a ‘sorry I need to leave by x time’

Witchtower · 08/07/2019 18:33

Ps OP does have a young child.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 08/07/2019 18:34

Bloody rude. She should decline if she can’t attend until halfway through dinner!

Starlight456 · 08/07/2019 18:37

You say baby is invited is the 3 year old ?

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2019 18:41

@DustOffYourHighestHopes she's not arriving half way through the meal. She's leaving before the meal.

She'll be at the important bit FFS. And an invite is just that, not a summons with a caveat that you must stay until X time 🙄

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:43

Why would you announce 6 weeks before that you need to leave mid way the meal and give no reason?

because she is polite and it would be rude to wait until the last minute?

So what it's the closest friend?She IS attending the wedding, she will make all the required efforts about it, then she is leaving early because of her kids. That's absolutely fine.

If she was one of the brides, it would be weird. She is a guest and she is making the effort to come!

cccameron · 08/07/2019 18:43

Because that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 my close friends are people who I love. People who I'd drop anything for at a moments notice if they needed me and vice versa. People who have been there with me through thick and thin. ie the very sort of person you want to share your wedding day with. Not someone who fucks off before the food is even served for no good reason. Some people actually give a shit about each other believe it or not.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:44

Bloody rude. She should decline if she can’t attend until halfway through dinner!

that's exactly the opposite, but regardless.
Not being a bridezilla, I would be a lot more touched by someone who can only attend half of the wedding than someone who can't be bothered to come at all.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 08/07/2019 18:45

People who I'd drop anything for at a moments notice if they needed me and vice versa.

You haven't got kids have you.
Sometimes, you have other priorities, and that's fine.
The friend IS attending the wedding- The bride doesn't need a friend to sit down for a meal. The wedding will be fine.

Witchtower · 08/07/2019 18:50

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 it is rude not to give a reason. Just to announce is not a good reason regardless of the notice given.

My children are my priority, that doesn’t mean that my friends are not important.
Focussing on your children whilst ignoring other aspects of your life will just be detrimental to your children in the long run.

The point being that I find it very strange that my ‘friend’ would say ‘sorry have to leave by 7.30’ without adding ‘because my kids will miss me too much.’ Now I would personally not think that was a reasonable excuse but I would understand more as there was an explanation. There is literally zero explanation here. And yes as my best friend they do owe me an explanation.

cccameron · 08/07/2019 18:50

You haven't got kids have you

Yes I do have kids. Funnily enough though I didn't drop all of my friends when I became a mum, or start acting like a twat. I went to one of my best friends weddings when dd was 8 weeks. She was perfectly fine with my mum for the duration. No drama.

Witchtower · 08/07/2019 18:51

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I know things wasn’t aimed at me but I have 3 DC under 6 and if my friends needed me I would move heaven and hell to support them.

FancyACarrot · 08/07/2019 19:11

Gosh there are a lot of angry, bitchy people on here.....

OP yes I think it is a bit off given that she has childcare on offer and they have been friends for so long, don't give it much thought though. It's one of those things better to just let go of...