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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how other ugly people come to terms with being genuinely unattractive?

181 replies

MingingInTheRain · 07/07/2019 11:50

Objectively speaking, I'm ugly. This isn't a matter of low confidence, it's just fact.

I've got a minor oral defect that means my jaw is out of line giving me a serious double chin despite being fairly slim, and my teeth are wonky as fuck (like really really wonky with a massive overbite, this probably could have been rectified to some degree when I was a child but my parents don't believe in dentists Hmm and now it's too late for me to get NHS orthodontics). My nose is huge, which on top of the jaw/teeth issues makes my face look fairly misshapen. Plus I'm very shortsighted so wear mega thick glasses (can't afford slim lenses!).

My figure is ok (starting to wobble a bit with age but it's not terrible), but my fanjo area is not a pretty sight after a traumatic birth - it functions ok so not a massive deal, I know it could be a lot worse, but it doesn't help with the whole package.

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked Grin

And as I approach 40, and the father of my DC has left me for someone younger and prettier, it just gets me down. For years I've made myself stand out in an unconventional way (piercings, unconventional hair and clothing etc) but as I get older I just feel like that's getting to look really jarring on someone pushing 40. I don't have the benefits of youth or a perfect figure anymore which were basically my only decent points lookswise!

I always thought it didn't matter because I had found someone who would love me forever anyway but clearly that was a delusion, and I can't see anyone else ever being interested now Sad

OP posts:
RiddleyW · 07/07/2019 11:52

I don’t know other than try to be proud of other things about you. I’m in the same boat.

GreyGardens88 · 07/07/2019 11:56

#i'm sure you're not as ugly as you think we are our own worst critics in a lot of cases

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/07/2019 11:58

Well you’ve got a fantastic sense of humour and you write very well Grin

stopitandtidyupp · 07/07/2019 11:58

Looks only go so far and we will all age and be ‘ugly’ at some point. Beautiful people actually lose their attractiveness if they are not nice people.

There are people out there that are not as shallow as your ex. Focus on being kind, helping others.
As the song goes if blonde and beautiful were multiple they would become so dull and dutiful.

Original poster
MingingInTheRain · 07/07/2019 12:00

@GreyGardens88 I know what you're saying but believe me, I really don't look attractive. It's not me being hard on myself, I am properly double take ugly!

OP posts:
aLilNonnyMouse · 07/07/2019 12:01

Work on yourself. Being a happy confident person who is warm and funny is going to be far more attractive than anything else.

Ugly is subjective, everyone likes different things, but everyone likes a genuinely nice person. I'm "ugly" myself but I've never been single for long as I can woo partners with my other qualities.

Maniak · 07/07/2019 12:02

I know really ugly people who have partners who adore them. I think it's because there are other ways of being beautiful. It's not just looks. Like, the way people move, behave or think can be beautiful. Also, ugly can be sexy.

Butchyrestingface · 07/07/2019 12:03

My oral defect also means I can't snog or give a decent blow job, so basically I'm fucked grin

I know you say It’s too late for NHS orthodontics but presumably you’ve asked? I understand they will treat on the NHS in extreme cases. Can you chew okay?

I’m having jaw surgery soon (roughly same age as you). Self funded as not severe enough for NHS, ie, I can chew, breathe and speak okay.

Original poster
MingingInTheRain · 07/07/2019 12:07

I can chew ok but can't for example take a bite of an apple, and I can't breathe through my nose (think I have the start of a deviated septum). Saw a dentist about 10 years ago who told me I wouldn't be eligible for NHS treatment though.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 07/07/2019 12:08

I think you could start by shifting your focus away from being unconventional in your dress or appearance, and onto looking after yourself and making the best of yourself. NOT for anyone else, but for you. That’s important because it ties in with the idea that everyone has a right to dress well, look after themselves and look good in what they wear, it’s not a privilege for attractive people only. You claim your space in the world, standing tall and with your head held high, because that is your place and you have a right to it.

Beautifully looked after hair, skin that is well fed and moisturised, nails that are well cared for, make up if you want to wear it and good clothing and footwear (the best quality you can afford) sends a message that you value yourself, and in return others will value you too.

Ninkaninus · 07/07/2019 12:12

And I totally agree with everyone else - looks are only one part of you, there are plenty of other things about you that people might be attracted to.

Also, you absolutely can find someone who will love you again. Your ex obviously found you attractive - ok he was a twat but that’s a different thing altogether.

pinksquash13 · 07/07/2019 12:13

I would push for NHS treatment. Say it's affecting your eating and breathing. Say it's affecting your mental health. Surely not being able to breathe through your nose is serious enough for help.

I know it's cheesy but it's really what's on the inside that counts. I'm not beautiful and I try to focus on having an engaging personality, being kind and being a loyal friend. Lots of beautiful people aren't very nice or are so insecure they may as well be ugly (harsh but true).

PotsOfJoy · 07/07/2019 12:16

The noise of eating apples is really unattractive so if you aren't able to eat them, that's a unique selling point.

Butchyrestingface · 07/07/2019 12:19

I can chew ok but can't for example take a bite of an apple, and I can't breathe through my nose (think I have the start of a deviated septum). Saw a dentist about 10 years ago who told me I wouldn't be eligible for NHS treatment though.

I can’t breathe through my nose either, although I’ve been told that’s asthma related.

Would you be willing to seek a referral for a second opinion? It sounds pretty bad that you were left with a jaw problem that leaves you unable to take a bite out of fairly everyday foods.

When I was referred 2 years ago, there were adults in the dental hospital awaiting orthodontic and surgical treatment so it does happen - although, as I say, I wasn’t eligible. There are strict criteria.

I’m all for the “love your inner self” stuff but an actual physical complaint like a massive overbite that impacts on functional ability as well as self-image and is treatable isn’t something people should just have to suck up, imo. Flowers

hazandduck · 07/07/2019 12:19

I had an underbite and had my jaw broken at 21 on the NHS because I couldn’t bite an apple and it didn’t have an impact on my breathing like yours. It could get more severe with age so I would push again for NHS orthodontics.

Aside from that, there is so much more to being perfect looking! It sounds like you’ve had a tough time with your H leaving, and it is coming out in your self-esteem (or lack of.) I genuinely think beauty starts on the inside out (there is a lovely Roald Dahl quote about it I can’t precisely remember) and anyone worth their salt can see through surface looks if someone isn’t very nice underneath.

Butchyrestingface · 07/07/2019 12:20

*suck IT up.

Aquiver · 07/07/2019 12:21

Presumably you can't be that bad looking if you have managed to have a relationship which resulted in a child?

Maybe you are just feeling down about the state of things, post-breakup with your DP? I also wouldn't put too much score on the "left me for someone younger and prettier" - people leave for someone "different", regardless of whether they are more or less attractive.

Hope you feel happier soon Thanks

MargaretRiver · 07/07/2019 12:25

It sounds like you would be an ideal candidate for jaw surgery in combination with orthodontics.
I would advise you to google your nearest dental hospital / teaching hospital/ other hospital that has departments of both Maxillo-facial Surgery and Orthodontics .
Then I would advise you to try very hard to get your dentist and/or doctor to refer you there, stressing your difficulties in breathing / your snoring/sleep apnoea / eating difficulties rather than any mention of aesthetics.
I'm sure you don't look ugly at all, but these functional issues due tend to worsen over time, so if you can make moves towards addressing them then the sooner the better

Ninkaninus · 07/07/2019 12:25

I agree, I’d definitely try to get your jaw/teeth/nose sorted out. It definitely sounds severe. You have to let them know exactly how bad it is.

DDIJ · 07/07/2019 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

starray · 07/07/2019 12:28

This one - "A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

jennymanara · 07/07/2019 12:37

I too have teeth that could have been corrected as a kid but I refused. I was an ugly kid and thought wearing braces would have been even worse. I have been quoted for private work which is a fortune. NHS does not cover it as it is purely cosmetic.
I am luckier than you though as I have a partner I have been with for many years who tells me I am beautiful - I am not.
I think all you can do is try and make the best of your life. Accept there are things you can't change. You can't suddenly become beautiful. I don't know how to help you get there though. Sadly what did it for me was various tragic things happening that put what I look like into perspective.

PandaPantaloon · 07/07/2019 12:38

I'm not very attractive and tbh I just dont think about it. I've carved a life out for myself, run a business I love(which is online so no one needs to see me Wink), I have kids, pets, hobbies and a cracking sense of humour. I really don't care anymore if anyone finds me attractive. I'm happy with my life and don't need validation from others.
I am a bit weird though in the fact that I never look at others and think oh you are attractive, even men, my attraction to others is totally driven by personality so it never really occurs to me that others my judge me on appearance.

Although I did cringe a bit when I had to have passport photos taken recently.

FlyMayBe · 07/07/2019 12:39

Just popping in to applaud @Ninkaninus' first post above. THIS!! All of it!

Also to encourage you to seek a second opinion re the NHS thing. My DD is on the waiting list for similar surgery and treatment.

You've clearly got a lot going for you, OP. Your intelligence and sensitivity stand out in your post. Good luck Thanks

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/07/2019 12:42

I'm similarly misshapen OP (very set back tiny lower jaw, huge conk, now also wrinkles and areas of miscoloured skin).

I've been married three times, left two of them (dumped once). I'm now well over 50 and have more men interested than I care to count.

I'm easy in my skin. I laugh a lot and genuinely don't care, apparently I project confidence and personality, and it seems to be what men like! Wish I'd known that was I was twenty five!

Be yourself, OP. Don't think about what people see when they meet you, think about the impression that they will take away. Honestly, once you get over about 40, everyone's looks are going, and those of us who never had looks to lose are the most relaxed about it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Ask everyone if they think your nose is a bit big, and they may start thinking you have a point.